Numbers of the Beast (was The Numbers of the Beast) by Warren Duncan writing as Daenerys - Short, Drama - A priest thinks God talks to him in a unique way. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Love the title. Curious to see what others think. To me it felt like it was lacking something. I wasn't sure what it was really about until the end.

Hey there Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, TheUnburnt, Queen of the Andels, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queenof Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of theRealm, Lady Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.

Nicely written and the twist I didn't see coming. How do you know how I circle my Baoding balls? That did read a bit awkwardly but apart from that, good job!

-Mark

I didn't understand the ending here. Father rapes the boys or something. I don't know, this is obviously over my head as I read it twice.
And I read the comments here - people seem to get it.
Maybe it's just not something for me and that's the reason I don't get it.

I liked it. Well written and definitely not a one location talking head thing. A real story! Good job on that.

My only complaint would be that I'm personally sort of tired of religious leaders being sexually abusive. Which I think is what you meant here. I know it happens, but not sure it is as common as the films about them. Maybe change it up a bit. Maybe he flogs them instead or some other kind of punishment.  

Good read, even if I didn't enjoy the story. I mean, it had a sexually abusive vibe to it from the start, and I don't know...seems like an easy way out. Yes, it's gut-wrenching, not because of your story, but because sexual abuse is so awful.

I would of liked to see it not end with the priest cornering a child, but something a little more original. Good writing, good story until the end. Kudos! I'd like to see a rewritten version for sure.

First read of the challenge! Now let's see where it goes....

Well written and meets the challenge, for sure. It didn't surprise me where it ended up. Maybe this is the first time it would be lucky to have room number 13! LOL

Good one, nicely done. One down, 20 to go....

Nice. Tying chance and faith together when never the twain should meet. Aside from that, I don't feel much for this. It doesn't say anything other than priest's rape little boys. I like that there isn't a tacked on happy ending though.

Yeah, you need either room 1 or 13 or higher in this short!  I agree with some of the others -- it's well-written, but it plays on a well-worn theme: Priests are pedophiles.  I understand the drama it creates, but it's been done before, so why not go with something different?  What that is I don't know, but would just like to be surprised by the ending here. Otherwise, quite well written.

Good luck,
Gary

It's well written, but there's not really any tension. The kids talk about what might be going on. Then next scene one kid asks the other if something is going on, he says no. Then Father Michaels goes to rape one of them. It's just not engaging enough.

Since everyone in the boarding school seems to have some idea of what might be happening, I think you missed an opportunity to have Father Michael do the dice roll in front of all the kids.

Not baod. The use of the baoding balls to describe the movement of the dice in his hands was unnecessary.

No idea what baoding balls are - and I'm not googling it - but this was a neat little script. I didn't realise where it was heading and then did. Written well and it s one of the best ones. Good use of the props making them a real part of the story and not just an add-on to meet the challenge

Gotta say I really detest how you wrote out the fake name on your title page.  It just isn't the way to start, IMO.

But, i do love the title, so let's see which way we go here.

Hmmm, so the "church" is inside the boarding school?  Is that really a church, then?  I don't think so.

Well, the end makes this work and your use of the dice is quite sinister, but what leads up to the ending isn't very good.

Overall, it works and I give your kudos on that.

*** 1/2

Whoah.

Not a happy tale, is it.

I don't know that we need this right now. Or, ever.

Maybe I'm seeing it wrong. But what do you expect with Catholic Church crap, hey?

Man, we need a gun in this script. And a kid who knows how to use it.

Ice-ice, Baby.

Sandra

Quoted from khamanna I didn't understand the ending here. Father rapes the boys or something. I don't know, this is obviously over my head as I read it twice. And I read the comments here - people seem to get it. Maybe it's just not something for me and that's the reason I don't get it.

I didn't get much either. But I gleaned what you gleaned:

Father rapes boys or something.

Makes me want to go down the street and kick the Priest there in the nuts...

A story about a priest raping boys? How original. Format was good, but story wise, unoriginal and tiresome... everyone attacking the priests. lol, they aren't the only rapists and pedos in this world. I agree with everyone else though, good title.

I think we catch on to what's happening by page 2 with the children discussing tale the big kids tell and the infirmary. Evil little tale. There's really no point to the priest using the dice as a selection method IMO and really no point to showing this at all, really. Priests rape children, on film. Too much subject matter for a 3 page script.

I can't add much more.  It was an awful story subject matter.

It seemed to be pretty good, but, there was no tension.  

If the boys are being raped, I'd suspect they'd be much quieter or scared.  The atmosphere seemed off for it.

Sorry, not my cup of tea.

Dan

Well-written, well-paced.

As familar as this subject has become, I still felt a chill when the priest came for Alex.

Henry

Writer,

Very good writing, good story, good flow. The characters were well drawn, and I could see them clearly and hear them speaking.  The Priests' use of the dice was clever when they were first shown - made me feel that he definitely had a sinister purpose. I'm sure there's a nit or two somewhere, but overall I liked this script a lot. One of my favs, for sure, but... The abusive priest thing is getting kind of old. Been there done that. That being said, great work!

Steve

This was well written. I like the way the title tied into this story.

One thing I would've liked is some more tension and possibly conflict. A twist may be nice as well.. This is a dark subject... I don't really like reading it but it was done well.

Good job.

The whole build-up is a bit slow and complicated executed. Of course it works in favor of the late "revelation", I get it, rhythm-wise it's a generally good choice. Nevertheless, the build-up could work more distinctive, specific, entertaining, perhaps even work with a far more distracting route with entertainment same time, to even strengthen the heavy twist some more, you know?

Still, well done. Imo we can't throw enough poo in the same direction the script does.
Kudos.

Nice written overall. I saw two versions of this story — the awful rapes, and the young boys sharing secrets and innuendos. Both carry different tones.  I like the latter version. My thought here is to flip the tables. As others have mentioned, a twist would make this a fresher tale.

You have a priest who believes more in a pair of dice, than in paradise. Predictable. He runs a tight ship and is pretty much a stock character, for what he represents. What if Father Michael is the victim? Maybe one of the boys has power over him.  
Or maybe Alex and Simon have a plan. Would be cool if these kids somehow ordered something online that would neutralize the Beast.
This would generate tension and create mystery.
Don't let Father Michael get away with this. Don't let another boy suffer from his sexual abuse. Give the abusers the power.  I liked this script for it's potential.

Hi all,

I’m quite happy with the overall reception of this one, so thanks for the generally favourable comments.

So, just to try answer some questions and clear things up.
Hopefully you assumed that Reggie was the kid in the first scene, it was meant as misdirection. Alex gets quite angry and dismissive when the topic of Reggie missing gets brought up. We see later that it is actually Alex in room 6.

Father Michael states that it’s the third night in a row. So he has rolled 6, 6, 6 (the number of the beast). He is using this method to choose which boy he visits thinking that god is talking to him through the dice. So yes, there is very much a point to the priest using the dice. It’s the entire premise of the story.

Funny how you assumed (correctly so), but still assumed that he was molesting the boys. Not once in this script is there a rape scene or even the mention of abuse. Father Michael doesn’t do or say anything sexual either. That, whether you enjoyed the script or not, is good subtext in my biased opinion. You all went where I wanted you to go and I didn’t say or show you anything of that nature. For all you know Father Michael could be torturing these boys by singing show tunes for hours on end, hmm… maybe that would have been a good twist.

Yes some of you have mentioned that this is a well-worn topic but it is actually topical in Australia at this very moment, our very own Cardinal Pell is currently in and out of the news on historic sex crime charges. This was, is, and will forever be an issue in the Catholic Church. The recent series, The Young Pope, with Jude Law address the same subject matter. Not that I’m comparing my script to a BBC/HBO production, just saying that this is still a relevant topic, like it or not.

I also know priests aren’t the only people that molest, but I was given a church so I used it. There were still less priests molesting children than there were old folks hanging themselves.
No the church is not “in” the boarding school in the sense you are thinking but it is on the same property. My brother and sister went to a Catholic boarding school. They had separate classrooms, accommodation, cafeteria, and right there on the acreage, their very own church. It’s a thing. I imagine there would be many fancy private Catholic boarding schools in the States that would have a similar setup.

The working title was The Numbers Game, so bad. I’m happy I went with the one I chose as a few of you seemed to like it.

Glad it made one of you want to kick a priest in the nuts, please do.

I got Jeff’s second highest score so I’m taking that to the bank.

A slightly edited version (by me not the producer) of this this has gone into pre-production with filming set for around October. Most of you will be happy to hear that it doesn’t end well for the priest, but it’s still not a happy Hollywood ending, I don’t do those. Will put the new version up on SS.

Thanks for reading and commenting. It was a very enjoyable challenge and I think there should definitely be more in this format.

Warren - gave this a read.  Very solid effort.  Three nit issues:

Quoted Text FATHER MICHAEL Your will be done.

Just stuck me it should be Thy will be done." Maybe it's the old altar boy in me.

I was confused at first by the opening slug and took a sec to figure out you were on a Catholic compound, campus. It might be clearer to have an establishing shot of the campus first. Or just add it to the header. e.g.,

INT. CATHOLIC CAMPUS/BOARDING SCHOOL HALLWAY - NIGHT

INT. CATHOLIC CAMPUS/CHURCH  - DAY

Maybe not important - but it did derail the read just for a second in order to get the bearings.

Quoted Text Closed doors line a bleak, lifeless hallway.

A real not - but I think you should indicate that all the doors are numbered.

Closed doors, each with a number on it, line a bleak, lifeless hallway.

Anyway - good stuff. There's a lot in 3 pages

Hi Dave,

I agree with the "thy" and it will be changed. This is going to be set in the 50's so definitely more appropriate.

As far as the slug goes, the producers are quite clear on what they have in mind so it's not a huge issue. Probably the same with the door numbers.

Thanks.

Quoted from Warren Hi Dave, I agree with the "thy" and it will be changed. This is going to be set in the 50's so definitely more appropriate. As far as the slug goes, the producers are quite clear on what they have in mind so it's not a huge issue. Probably the same with the door numbers. Thanks.

My pleasure. Looking forward to seeing it.

Revised draft posted and bump to indicate it is in production through Warren's own efforts.

- Don

Storyboards from the producer of Numbers of the Beast.

Looks ambitious! Congratulations and Good Luck!  8)

Thanks, Pia.

Looks cool - looking forward to seeing it

Congrats!!! :)

Thanks:)

Awesome, Warren. Very cool!

Thanks Steven, so good to see so much success all round on SS at the moment. So many people have things in the works. Hopefully Dave doesn't forget us little people when he hits the big time:)

Congrats Warren, storyboards look great,

Cheers Anthony, yeah I think they did a pretty good job.

First day of filming is wrapped. Here are some screenshots:) Thats the quality two red epics and $50 000 worth of anamorphic lenses gets you.

Warren,

The screenshots look awesome. Can't wait to see the finished product.

All the best,
Marty

Thanks, Marty.

You and me both.

Very cool - the shots look great - looking forward to seeing this.

Thanks, Dave.

Shooting complete, Now the wait.





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Warren,

Looks like it is going to be well worth the wait.

Congratulations again.

All the best,
Marty

Warren and Don - Is this a SS record for going from a OWC to completed filming? Holy crap was that fast! All the best W!
John

Quoted from JEStaats Warren and Don - Is this a SS record for going from a OWC to completed filming? Holy crap was that fast! All the best W! John

Thanks,

Not sure, but yes it did all happen very quickly. Also good because the filmmaker likes to keeps me in the loop with everything that’s going on.



Thanks again, Marty.

Film should be complete next week. Currently in the hands of the composer.

Here is the poster.

Hubba! Nothing beats SS when it comes to getting your script read!

Congrats and looking forward to seeing it!  8)

Looking forward to this, mate. Kudos to you. - Very cool poster.

Thanks, Pia and Dave.

SS is awesome! Been very lucky over the last year and a half:)

Wow that’s great - thanks for sharing the stages of the journey. Script. Storyboard. Stills. Poster.

How do I get to see the film?

Impressive. The film-makers did a real good job creating the atmosphere. NOW this is how to make a short film.

Congrats Warren - solid film.

My only issue is a nit one. After the boy closes the door, I would have liked to have heard the thump of the stab. a cry of agony from the father and the thump of his body hitting the ground. Easy enough to add. Just would have been clearer closure for me.

In the script, you have the boy raising the knife so we know it's coming. Thought the sounds (above) would have made that clearer.

Like I said - a nit - congrats. this was a solid effort.

Thanks Matt and Dave for checking it out.

I agree that thump would have been a nice little touch.

my pleasure - well worth the view

Excellent job! I remember reading that one. Another OWC makes into film. Another notch in your belt, Warren!  8)

Thanks Pia, SS has been very good to me.

Very cool. Congratulations to you and the film maker for bringing this to life. Was it filmed local to you? Were you able to visit or advise during filming? OWC pays off again!

Excellent and really well shot, personally I thought the end was a little ambiguous and I liked that.

Thanks John and Anthony. Glad you liked it.

Unfortunately I was on the other side of the world. I’m in Sydney, and this was filmed in Miami. I did however have really good communication with the filmmaker throughout the process.

Great to hear, Warren. You be on a roll!

Thanks mate!

Still waiting with bated breath to see Silence, eventually.

I haven't watched it all the way through or with the volume on, but it looks like a quality production. Well done.

Thanks Dustin.

Can't watch it - give me an error. Well, congrats anyway. Glad to hear it's a solid production.

Thanks Kham,

Not sure what the issue is, I just checked the link and it seems to be fine.

Quoted from Warren Still waiting with bated breath to see Silence, eventually.

Me, too. Last I heard, the director flaked out during post. They prodco fired him, then they had to take the film back and continue post...blah blah blah.

Quoted from SAC Me, too. Last I heard, the director flaked out during post. They prodco fired him, then they had to take the film back and continue post...blah blah blah.

Oh no! Hope it all still comes togeather.

Congrats! This was good! :)

Thanks Dena.

The Machine does it again. Congrats!

Haha, thanks James:)

Warren

Just watched the film. It looks great, very professional. Dark subject matter effectively evoked through sound design and visuals. The filmmakers clearly know what they're doing.

Plus, they were relatively faithful to your script. You should be proud.

Col.

Managed to watch it on another comp. This is quality and a very interesting watch. Big congrats!

Thanks for taking a look Col and Kham.

Appreciate the kind words.

Well done on getting this produced, it looks fab!

Thanks Mark.

have just finished the script. Strange, but we both wrote a script about child molestation in the Catholic Church. My script is "The Demon in Me," and is a mixture of drama and horror elements. I tell from the point of view of a survivor that a demon (his father who protects him) first incites him to murder, and then, when the son realizes that this is the wrong way, kills the priest himself. Ironically, my priest is called Father Michael.
Now for the script.
I think it expresses the boy's fear and the priest's self-righteousness.
May I ask why you chose this topic? It was my own experience with me (not with a Catholic priest, but with my Mormon father).

Hi Gerlinde,

This script was part of a quickie challenge. The parameters I had were it had to be in a church and contain a pair of dice, so this is what I came up with. I have no actual link to the subject matter, and it isn't based on anything.

Thanks for taking a look.

I read the script first then watched the film.

I personally liked the script more. That's not too say they did a bad job. I think it looks and sounds great. They also did a good job keeping it really close to the script.

I think maybe the film just didn't live up to how I pictured it in my head.

Congratulations:)

Thanks for checking it out, Scott. Glad you liked it for the most part.