Apt Femme by Kai Undrell - Short, Horror - A delivery man finds himself the hostage of an unstable woman who is looking to find the perfect man, by any means necessary… 35 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Reminds me of my Dear Departed story, only not as good. Lots wrong with the writing in this. If you're around, I may give some pointers.

35 pages is a bit much for a short, no? And your action lines are pretty wordy, IMO... I haven't actually read this, but if the writer is around, I'll give it a shot.

Hi Kai,

You have provided a great example of one of the major faults of a novice screenwriter.

OVERWRITING.

My suggestion is to to check out some screenwriting primers.  There are plenty out there.

Hey, your story was interesting enough and evil enough to hold one's attention BUT way out of bounds; screenwriting wise.

Your first page could be reduced to:
Chris (25) a delivery man,  steps up to the front door of a posh bungalow and rings the bell.

My suggestion:  I challenge you to re-write your script; your STORY in ten pages.

Hang in there,

JJ