The Magic of Coffee by Dan Walker - Short, Dramedy - There's something peculiar about the coffee served in this coffee shop. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Dan,

Quoted Text 7.35AM.

Is this meant to be seen? If so it needs to be written as a super. SUPER: 7:35AM

Quoted Text She’s dressed as a lawyer.

How does a lawyer dress? Best just to say she's in a suit or something, then in the dialogue Leo says she is a lawyer anyway.

Quoted Text The door opens up to notorious crime boss

How would we know this unless you told us?

Quoted Text and did I mention she’s so smoking hot?

Yes you did, so many times it's just overboard.

Got to about page five and started skimming. Not sure where the comedy or drama was.

SPOILERS - I think

Ten pages of a coffee shop owner introducing his customers and telling us what coffee they drink. It really doesn’t make for riveting subject matter.

Sorry but this one really wasn’t for me. I admittedly don’t drink coffee so maybe that’s the problem, but I doubt it.

All the best.

I read the entire thing but couldn't figure out why the customers were changing into whatever they changed into. I love coffee... especially Ethiopian coffee. My favourite is what I like to call Elephant poo coffee. Don't know what it is about coffee grown in elephant poo but it tastes amazing. I don't drink it much these days because the price has gone so high.

Warren & Dustin,

Thanks for your replies.

Elephant poo coffee? WOW!

O O
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Hey Dan,
Not for nothing, I loved this one.  I'm thinking that any "real" coffee drinker might.

Oh, and did I mention, when I call it a day, I'm thrilled to know, that a beautiful, magical, get-me-going, cuppa java is a  Keurig  push button away.  

Of course, I would rather have the cup I use to purchase from Andre's cart on the corner of Park and 46th, every M - F  @ 7am, ten years ago, putting that "RED S" on my chest.  "Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound."

Still pretty special to be surprised by a great cup at some dingy northern NJ diner.

IMO:   Nothing wrong with a good  coffee, caffeine, generated fantasy.

Bravo,

JJ

Hey, Dan:

Wanted to like this one, but it became a bit tedious for me. Same beat over and over and I didn't understand the character changes.

One nit - You make this grammatical error throughout.

Quoted Text LEO Morning Joel.

Need a comma before the name (Joel).

Dan,
attention to this "warmth to it’s simplicity. " I'm continuing on reading.
Best,
Fausto

Dan, I like the idea of the coffee shop...coming from Italy, I can tell you that the Italians live for a cup (+) of coffee in a coffee shop, called "a bar" (barista is the man or woman who serves coffee). You should write about the conversations that the patrons of the coffee shop have with each other. This will create a good comedy and/or drama. I love the premise, only you have to work on it.
My best,
Fausto

Fausto,
Appreciate the feedback.

As far as I can say as a layman from Germany, the dialogues and the descriptions are good. Just what I miss is the storyline with turning points. So it's just an advertisement for a coffee shop. For example, would be a love story, a drama, even a comedy with impetus, plot point 1, midpoint, plot point 2 and climax.

Let's keep the discussion in this thread about Dan's script.  I've move the Off Topic convo to a Coffee Shops and English Pubs thread.

Thanks!

Hi Dan,

I've got to say I didn't like this very much. I found too many problems with it, some already mentioned but here's some more:

1) This script is too tedious, 10 minutes of people buying coffee and character dialogue describing them? It wasn't enjoyable to read and I predict it wouldn't be enjoyable to watch.

2) One way to make this script more interesting I think, is to reduce the amount of characters. The mobsters, Todd, Felix and Joel...all of which who add nothing to this script. They can still be in the script, but we don't need to know their names or the coffee they drink, you can just show them thanking him as they leave.

3) I get you were trying to show that the customers knew Leo and that Leo knew them, but does a person's name need to be mentioned every time someone is spoken to? It just sounds unnatural to me.

4) Page. 1 "Outdated room. Outdated furniture." this is too abstract, outdated furniture to one person could be something completely different to another...you need to be more descriptive. Instead of saying "Outdated room. Outdated furniture." Say "A vintage coffee table, a beaten sofa lies to the corner, most of it's colour has faded" etc.

"Standing behind a counter is LEO (30). Italian descent..." How would a viewer know he was of Italian descent?

The dialogue by Leo on this page is just "filler" and has no subtlety. For example:

"For me, coffee is another
word for love. I�m so passionate
about it."

This doesn't do much for me, it's much more potent if you show his passion. Show a customer waiting a little longer than usual for their coffee, show him taking absolute care in his preparation , show him sniffing the aroma of the coffee when a cup is made etc.

The concept was good though.

Dan

LEO (CONT’D)
I’ll call him Thomas...

- Not to be some politically correct lemming and go on about how should respect the “other’s” culture by using their names but I do think, given the circumstances here, Leo would remember the guy’s name since this was an extremely significant moment in his life and led to his life’s work and obsession. Evidently, this “Thomas” dude is a very important person to him. At present, it just feels like you weren’t bothered enough to look up a suitable Ethiopian name.

“DONNA (35). She’s dressed as a lawyer.”

- How does one dress like a lawyer? We learn through Leo what she does so no need to be that specific in her description as it can’t be conveyed on screen. I would extend that your introduction of Vincent also.

Even though its as uncinematic as you can get, I’m liking Leo’s ramblings to the camera so far, well written, witty.

LEO
Vincent thought he was Italian.
You know - from the mother country.
When he found out he was from
India, he went bananas.

- Really, he confused an Indian with an Italian? I take it its meant to be a joke or some spectacles are required pronto for ole Vinnie I reckon...not that I would say that to his face.

LEO (CONT’D)
When I refer to poison, I’m talking
about milk and sugar.

- As a coffee drinker I totally agree with the latter, not the former. But yeah, I’m not a connoisseur.

Wow, this took a left turn in the last few pages which I’m still scratching my head over.

Are these alternates exaggerated versions of how Leo has classified his regulars? Each customer representing a certain archetype? Is he slipping some psilocybin mushrooms into the coffee, is that its titular “magic”? Why didn’t Joel transform, because he has no personality? Are we to believe Leo is actually 80 years old and this is all part of his memory or some wishful fantasy? Can you enlighten me to any of the above?

Other than that, I got a few chuckles out of it, and hey, I dig coffee so I appreciate the unbridled love expressed by Leo. Gotta give props to someone who dedicates a 10 script to it, right? But am I missing something here? As I see it, it’s just a guy talking about his customers and how much he loves the black stuff. Then it gets trippy...and that’s it.

I thought there would be more to the different customers you introduced, some sort of payoff or punch line but besides Mr. Harper and Donna being revealed to be having a clandestine relationship, it all just feels rather random and pointless.

A peculiar piece for sure and maybe what I didn’t pick up with his hallucinations/visions or whatever you want to call them is the key to understanding what you are getting at here...or maybe not.

Now, when’s that sister script on the merits of tea coming?

Col.