The Border by Tom Levesque - Short, Western - An unlikely friendship blossoms as a young migrant befriends the help of a drifter as they try to cross a border.  25 pages

contest: Quarter Finalist - Austin Film Festival Screenplay Competition 2017 - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Tom,,

Pages 4 - 13 are missing?

Quoted from JakeJon Tom,, Pages 4 - 13 are missing?

This has been fixed.  Apologies.  

- Don

Hey,

It's very well paced. Pacing is the best thing about it.
And I loved how you build up to their friendship. Could have even taken a bit more time with that.
SPOILERS
I think you can't kill her and then go with the character that you introduced well after page 4 - Don't remember when Jake comes, but all the same - you can't kill her, I think because she's your main character and it's her journey. If you kill her the script should stop at that and that's the resolution to your story then. Not the best one in my opinion either.
The direction in the script is a little off for my tastes. It's about her and Jake, but Jake comes later in the story. That bothered me. That and the fact that you continued with the story after you killed her off.

I do wish you show up on boards and read something too.

Hi Tom,
Really enjoyed how your writing, sub-text and dialogue, "nailed" the where and the when of your story.  "A desert journey to the border some time in the future. Ya got me there. Believable. Nicely done.

I didn't feel the need for all the camera POV's, angles, directions, etc; interrupted the flow of the story for me. Took me away from the "here and now".

The relationship you built between Viole and Jack worked for me.  Kept the story lively and moving forward. Good stuff.

I was hoping that Maria's MILAGRO (Miracle Pendant) was going to have relevance. "It will keep you safe."   It didn't. Wished it had.  Missed opportunity maybe; for me only.  I mean, it's your story.

BUT, as I read on, I understood where, I think, you were going.   Not exactly a ,   " . . . and they live happily ever after" ending.

Lots of pathos in your "wrap up".  Lots of dead migrants ,a dead Maria, a dead uncle, a bullet to the head of Viole, same for the "real" horse.  AOK but IMO you should have taken Jack out as well.  Let's really hate those Scorpions!!

Nice Work.

JJ