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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Dramedy Scripts  /  Monday Night Girlfriend
Posted by: Don, October 1st, 2017, 9:54am
Monday Night Girlfriend by Elaine Phillips - Dramedy - Tim is a permanently single, divorced business man who combines work, caring for his three daughters and training for a forthcoming Iron Man distance triathlon in his busy schedule. Meanwhile his close friends, play cupid by developing a bespoke online search for a genuine female companion to spend time with Tim on his one free night of the week, when love inadvertently blossoms.    118 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: JakeJon, October 3rd, 2017, 12:23pm; Reply: 1
Hi Elaine,
First off, pardon my glibness.  A very "nice" story propelled by a  fluent, easy to read writing style.  
The remainder of my comments are just comments; my opinion.
At 118 pages perhaps a bit too long?  For example,  I loved Hilary and Sylvie but how do they move the story forward?  The same with the "Stag Party"? and the flat tire - Lorry driver incident?  Chloe's illness? The possible intruder at Juliet's house?

In addition, I realize this was a Dramedy, but I felt that the conflicts were a little soft and conveniently created; like you were checking off plot points from an outline.  Once again just me. perhaps.  You could also say, "...So what"?

Not sure I bought Juliet being so upset with the "Monday Night Girlfriend" quest article or how easily Tim surrendered his  laptop to her.
Not sure I bought how upset Tim was with Juliet being pregnant.
Also I think you could have done more with the Bethany conflict: smoking, bonking, lesbian; missed opportunity perhaps?

I did love the manner in which your dialogue  brought out the "special-ness" of the relationships:

Tim and the girls, and then Juliet.
Tim and Andy, and then Lauren
Tim and Juliet; the cute, romantic build up was wonderful.

I would have bet my pension on; the baby would make it and be a male.

Oh, I need to know, living on the other side of the Atlantic,   Munter and Tosser???

Good stuff.  Enjoyable.

JJ


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