Print Topic
SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Dramedy Scripts / Monday Night Girlfriend
Posted by: Don, October 1st, 2017, 9:54am
Monday Night Girlfriend by Elaine Phillips - Dramedy - Tim is a permanently single, divorced business man who combines work, caring for his three daughters and training for a forthcoming Iron Man distance triathlon in his busy schedule. Meanwhile his close friends, play cupid by developing a bespoke online search for a genuine female companion to spend time with Tim on his one free night of the week, when love inadvertently blossoms. 118 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: JakeJon, October 3rd, 2017, 12:23pm; Reply: 1
Hi Elaine,
First off, pardon my glibness. A very "nice" story propelled by a fluent, easy to read writing style.
The remainder of my comments are just comments; my opinion.
At 118 pages perhaps a bit too long? For example, I loved Hilary and Sylvie but how do they move the story forward? The same with the "Stag Party"? and the flat tire - Lorry driver incident? Chloe's illness? The possible intruder at Juliet's house?
In addition, I realize this was a Dramedy, but I felt that the conflicts were a little soft and conveniently created; like you were checking off plot points from an outline. Once again just me. perhaps. You could also say, "...So what"?
Not sure I bought Juliet being so upset with the "Monday Night Girlfriend" quest article or how easily Tim surrendered his laptop to her.
Not sure I bought how upset Tim was with Juliet being pregnant.
Also I think you could have done more with the Bethany conflict: smoking, bonking, lesbian; missed opportunity perhaps?
I did love the manner in which your dialogue brought out the "special-ness" of the relationships:
Tim and the girls, and then Juliet.
Tim and Andy, and then Lauren
Tim and Juliet; the cute, romantic build up was wonderful.
I would have bet my pension on; the baby would make it and be a male.
Oh, I need to know, living on the other side of the Atlantic, Munter and Tosser???
Good stuff. Enjoyable.
JJ
Print page generated: April 30th, 2024, 6:33pm
Powered by
E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006