Only Fools & Horses - The Glue That Holds Us Together Spec Script by James Klonowski - Dramedy - Del Boy and Rodney are back. They might be much older, but they're not much wiser. Del has created a super powerful glue which he believes will make him a millionaire... if only he could get the bottles open. Meanwhile, Rodney is going through some problems at home with his teenage daughter, Joan. 60 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I read the first half page... being a huge fan of Only Fools and Horses back in the 1980s, I wanted to see if you could pull this off. However, I only needed to read a few lines of dialogue from Delboy to see that it doesn't ring true.

[code]DEL.
Very well. What you doing up so
early anyway? It's only half past
six. We don't usually see you
before noon.[/quote]

It's the 'very well' part. I don't remember Del ever speaking like that.

First page riddled with typos and format issues - of the writer is around I will add more detail.

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate that you instantly noticed Del wouldn't say the words "very well" and you're spot on. But the last episode was almost fifteen years ago, and Del would be a lot more mature now and I didn't want him to remain the exact same, so I added in phrases he would've picked up over the years from books and TV shows to sound more posh. Sorry if it wasn't subtle enough.

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I'd like to know what the typos and formatting errors are please

Okay, James:

- I would not bold and underline scene headings.

Quoted Text INT. TROTTER'S FLAT. LOUNGE - MORNING

No period after FLAT. Should be:

INT. TROTTER'S FLAT - LOUNGE - MORNING

Quoted Text The flat is filled with an array of their latest dodgy deals. A stack of games consoles labelled rejects.

No need to repeat info in your description already in your heading (the Flat). e.g., The above should be:

Filled with an array of their latest dodgy
deals. A stack of games consoles labelled rejects.

Quoted Text Laying on the sofa playing some ultra-violent video game is DAMIEN. The volume is rather deafening.

Should be "Lying"

Also - if it were me (i.e., this is a style issue - nit a typo) I would write it - DAMIEN lies on the sofa.. rather than Damien is lying on the sofa

Also lose extra words that add little - don't need some - don't need rather

Quoted Text DEL. Gordon Bennett, Damien! I can't

Should not be a period after Del - problem throughout

Quoted Text RAQUEL O.O.S.

O.S

Anyway - that was from page 1 - you may have similar issues throughout - I woulc check - hope these help.

I don't agree that they're typo and format issues. They're just different to different writers. Hope you enjoy it though  

Quoted from JK2Write I don't agree that they're typo and format issues. They're just different to different writers. Hope you enjoy it though

Not reading on.

Best of luck.

Quoted from JK2Write Hi, Thanks for your reply. I appreciate that you instantly noticed Del wouldn't say the words "very well" and you're spot on. But the last episode was almost fifteen years ago, and Del would be a lot more mature now and I didn't want him to remain the exact same, so I added in phrases he would've picked up over the years from books and TV shows to sound more posh.

Del used over exaggerated phrases to sound posh. 'Very well' hardly has the same impact as Del trying to speak French and completely messing it up. If you're going to make changes they should be funny. I can see that you're overprotective of your work, that's fine, you worked hard to write this.

You really should heed the advice given, but I don't really care. Too many wannabe screenwriters anyway. The more that ignore constructive criticism the better.

Quoted Text Sorry if it wasn't subtle enough.

You mean overly subtle... and you don't need to apologise. I honestly couldn't care less.

I'm not overly protective of my work at all. I like criticism of its constructive. If you discussed the actual story, pace and quality then I'd listen. But all you've mentioned is two words a character spoke which didn't ring true. I'd like to read your script see what it's like

I only wanted to see if you could pull off writing a modern episode of Only Fools and Horses. You failed. The dialogue is off. Not just Del's but I don't believe your version of Raquel either. I'm not going to get to the other characters. According to your logline, nothing much has changed since the last series. Yet to me, it doesn't even seem like the same program. I'd turn it off after a minute's viewing.

I respect everyone's opinion. Have you written any Only Fools Scripts? I'd love to see how you've done it. I purposely changed the characters because Del is 70+ and Raquel is in her 60s, they would change. And remember, the last series of Only Fools was absolutely awful, it should've ended with the original trilogy.

I don't need to have written an Only Fools and Horses script to have an opinion on one. I wouldn't write an Only Fools and Horses episode because they're not my characters. I also didn't watch the last series as I couldn't get through the first episode. Much like with your effort. You should bin it and write something more worthwhile.

Well as I said I respect your advice, but I have gotten emails from Gold and BBC who are interested in possibly developing it, as is Jim Sullivan. So thanks, but I won't be binning it

Quoted from JK2Write Well as I said I respect your advice, but I have gotten emails from Gold and BBC who are interested in possibly developing it, as is Jim Sullivan. So thanks, but I won't be binning it

In possibly developing it. Well, we'll see. The BBC are wont to throw money at some silly things at times. I certainly wouldn't be watching it. Not sure why Jim Sullivan would look at your script when he's a writer himself, and failed when trying to take on his dad's characters. You've failed too. Unfortunately, only one man could bring those characters to life and he is no longer with us.

Why you so bitter mate? Lighten up

I read the first 10. But if you're going to bring characters like this back - and convince David Jason etc. to get on board - the writing has to be impeccable and downright hilarious. This isn't that yet.

Have you considered modernising the format completely? If Del was dead and Damian was struggling to support a family, you could explore a new world with more modern themes.  Otherwise you might be flogging dead fools and horses.

As always - just my opinion.

Quoted from JK2Write Why you so bitter mate? Lighten up

I'm not bitter at all. I'd have to care to be bitter. I just can't see this working. Nobody cares about Only Fools and Horses anymore, not even the old fans. Some things are just best left in our memories.

I'd follow Alex's advice and modernise completely, using Damien and a hapless colleague. Essentially the same thing, but with different characters. Del, Raquel, and Rodney could play cameos or Del could even play the role of Grandad - albeit being the Dad.