Hey, Rob!
I read the first ten pages so far:
LARGE PALACE – this visual is presented too bland and should be described with at least one certain characteristic that builds a context to the overly dark opening picture.
Yet it reads like, first darkness and mayhem – then Buckingham palace in sight
Otherwise – clear opening, I like that
- search for an alternative to the "typical" alarm clock waking-up scene; it's the most frequent protagonist opening scene and a pure cliché of screenwriting.
Same goes for the breakfast scene.
Character name over dialogue box – no second name needed there
Just DEREK, RYAN etc.
bottom p3 – slugline shouldn't stand alone
also, main location goes before sublocation
minimal stuff, I know, but those things stand out for most experienced readers and albeit it's minor, it's not working in your favor when recognized in this quantity as here--
First side-note on story: Not sure about the location. It seems, the story implies that this watch headquarter thing, Derek's workplace, is just in the yard of his house, he just walks that cobblestone path and he's there.
give me some orientation, write more visual-
In comparison to my "large palace" note from above, here, I equally have no clue how the headquarter looks like, explain it, so that I can get some orientation which surely would also lead to conclusions about TIME/the overall scenario that you present here.
I'm only an ESL speaker but still I found some writing clunky here. There was a two-line paragraph on page 4 f.i. where you 5 times used the pronoun "his".
Another example: "Derek is a zombie on the couch staring at his large TV
screen."
You almost start every sentence with the character name or He. There's no variety. Also you used the zombie metaphor before. Isn't there any clear active verb that does the whole job better for you?
like… he "gawks" at the tv... or something
I mean, give it some love, man.
"Large tv screen" – what about "monstrous plasma TV".
Then, as said, I'm an Esl, so you'd need a second opinion on that, but, to me, the whole sentence structure (constantly name or pronoun first) and word choice haven't convinced me here so far.
I'm all in for simplistic writing, truly I am, but there must be some more self-reflection about delivering the meaning of words, and the needed self-awareness in your words that serve the story's world, tone, theme and genre. It needs to be an organic part that belongs to your story.
Enough of that whole format, writing stuff, since I believe you see my point(s) there…
Okkkaayyy
There's definitely some intrigue and mystery - like the whole journalism vs degenerated weaklings stuff, people get shot on the streets, message from the man in the park, and eventually of course visiting Meyer in the palace.
Good job on that. I think you have a vision behind the whole thing and I'd even dare to say I trust you that you got a comprehensive clear view in case of the whole "movie" which means to me, there's a lot of passion for that plot from your side.
I got no clue why it's listed thriller btw cause it reads like a dystopia ergo SF genre.
Title is average, needs something more catching – but you can fix that later
The logline, for me, perfectly mirrors the good and bad I perceive reading the script.
There's defintely quality coming through that produces interest and made me open the script. I wanna know about that stuff. Then, on the other Hand, there's reallllyy feeew orientation given about where and when...
... how this odd place looks like (futuristic, dark, post apocalyptic etc.). Derek's just walks around to his watch headquarter journalism job, then he walks to a palace, no single detail also, say, vibe, about world and time. Are there gothic statues in the palace, modern glass walls, anything?
F.i. that Derek's house is equipped with cameras that monitor him 24h a day – such an important and completely interesting beat that you almost only use a sidenote, in a kind of arbitrary way, as thrown against a wall.
This whole stuff you got here could be much cooler and moodier with lots of fine atmosphere…
You know, like fucking Watch Headquarter ahead, a damn steel bunker at the end of the alley, where the leader let him write regime propaganda… of course this is figuratively said... don't make it boring and usual, rather tell what's specific and characteristically about you world, colors, shape etc.
What should I feel when seeing the damn palace of Meyer? And with what descriptions can you accomplish that?
It's not good that I don't know when and where I am yet being so far into the story at p10.
The guards are just Guards here, guard#1 this and that. What's the key, the fresh take like, great armor, weoponry, their posture etc etc... be specific and show what's unique...
Storywise, I feel you got all in yourself, but you need to learn to look through a reader's eyes and produce me a clear experience and explain me that life through direct images.
Still, I'd read on. Yes. There's something fanciful and different beyond.
Just in case you do not comment on scripts yet (I don't know if you do or not), I'd advise you to engage on the board.
That way you surely will get a lot of feedback and I myself probably will come back and look where it's going. So, chime in if you haven't already.
All best