Touché by David C Lambertson writing as Anonymous4 (eldave1) - Short, Drama - A young man discovers that the only cure for his phobia is vengeance. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well written, clearly deals with the phobia head on and a nice way of getting the RIP in at the end.

The only problem for me was I could see where this was going a mile off. The Priest thing is really cliche and was overly used in the last OWC, maybe try a different angle than the one more often travelled?

It also seemed a bit quick him getting over this phobia. Yes, he's faced his fear head on and taken care of business, but it would seem more natural if he started to come out of his shell a bit rather than a full on Scrooge-like recovery.

But a solid entry in my opinion.

-Mark

Hey writer,

Now, I'm fairly certain I know who wrote this, just a couple of tells in there, but that won't cloud my judgement when it comes to marking.

In short, this one's going to be hard to beat. The writing and technical aspects, nailed, no worries there, and it reads with absolutely ease. The paranoia is real and Nathan makes a journey through it, again nailed. The RIP, some anally retentive folk may grumble that it's not dialogue, but I thought it was clever.

There's a tiny typo in there that I can't even remember now, was enjoying the read too much to take note.

Definitely gonna be a contender, unless I'm missing something major which I don't think I am.

Well done

Cam

Solid.

Favorite so far. Great dialog, phobia and RIP. No newbie wrote this one. Loved the dialog between Nathan and the Doctor. Yes - very solid.

Must admit that I rolled my eyes when it came to the abusive priest. It's been way too common lately. But it worked, so no hard feelings.

Excellent work for a one week challenge.

Well written, which I really appreciate.

Page 3 "...as he adjust..." - should be "adjusts"

Page 8 "scalped" - "scalp"

The Flashback isn't properly formatted

Yeah, this is good.  Great job working within the parameters and bringing a compelling and even touching story.  It's obvious where thsi is going, but that's OK.

Only things I'd recommend would be to fix the Flashback and change the INT/EXT scenes so they read better.

Grade - ****

Like the title.

Good logline here.

Great writing on display. Great dialogue.

Good job with the psychiatrist ...sounds really like a psychiatrist would sound I think. :)

Love the end. Saw it coming but still love a good ending...

GREAT job. Another good one here.

Hi,

Quoted Text NATHAN (O.C.) Okay, give it to me.

Not a massive issue, but (O.C.) is generally reserved for sitcoms. Here (O.S.) would be better suited. Everyone will know what you mean though.\

SPOILERS

Page 3 and I already know where this is going. I was told how overdone it was in the last QC so I guess it still applies now, it's overdone.

I think some of your wrylies are unnecessary.

Quoted Text DOCTOR ANDERSON (low voice - into recorder) Classic signs of Aphenphosmphobia. NATHAN What’s that? DOCTOR ANDERSON It’s the fear of being touched or of touching. NATHAN I’m not afraid. I - I just hate it. DOCTOR ANDERSON The most common cause is sexual abuse.

I think you are spelling a few things out that are already written into the subtext, for me this takes away from the overall piece.

Flashback in unnecessary and I think it's used to fill in space.

Quoted Text FATHER O’NEIL (O.S.) Nathan? Is that you?

Now I'm confused, what do you think the difference between (O.S.) and (O.C.) is?

Good character arc for Nathan and smart wordplay with the sign.

One of the better ones so far.

All the best.

Hey,
That's a nice short, thanks for submitting.
THe progression in this is nice, the story is very well tied together. The reason to do what he did is perfect and I liked the way you arrived at it.

SPOILERS

The letters being taken down - a bit too much for me for some reason. But makes sense, since the priest used church and God as a shield to do what he did.

The priest route maybe offensive to some. And also, I suppose it's a bit of talked about, I mean beaten topic. But you were very subtle with it.

ANd I like how the doctor says he should forget and forvige - the very values that religion would impose on him. Very clever take on the challenge I have to say. Makes great sense.

Anyway, thanks for a great read.

Oh no, not another Church/Priest abuse story.

Should be called Cliche, instead of Touche.

Anti-Christian, bigoted garbage, for me I'm afraid.

No disrespect intended to the writer. It's just far too didactic  and the overt manipulation of the stories message... Displayed by changing the written message on the Church takes the story over the line into a prejudicial and inherently illogical (the Priest was forsaking the scripture already) attack on an entire religion and not just the Priest's actions.

Great Write and easy read!!  Heard it before and knew where it was going but still very well done.

  BUT  Grounds for Disqualification of the OWC?  Perhaps Anyway.

The phobia is either a fear of priests or fear of molestation?   Not being able to touch someone, is the SYMPTOM or MANIFESTATION of either of these two phobias.  (Nicely depicted I might add).
Dr. Anderson would know this.

Unintentional, I'm certain, but the incorrect phobia usage allows the writer to hide the "twist"  and/or create suspense.  If the logline indicated "priest" , no surprises.

The RIP ending was GREAT and very Nathan.

Good stuff!

JJ

Nicely handled - from the writing to the plot.  Fairly well trodden path with revenge on the abusive priest but I like the way you wove the phobia into this - the trailer door and drive-thru were a nice touch.  The doctor’s office scene was subtle enough to inform without feeling too much like exposition and the dialogue felt natural.  A smooth read - couple of typos to pick up on a revision but otherwise I could sit back and let the story unfold.  Solid entry albeit a tad too familiar.

I like how you've set the opening scenes - gives us a good, true sense of the phobia. Although, after going back and reading what phobia this was - I initially though it was germs.

I think the INT/EXT scene would have worked better as just EXT. DRIVE-THRU. You would still see and get a sense of what the scene involves. I like the basket set up - you handled that well.

For the most part I liked the story. Clean and crisp read. As others have stated - I think this might have played out better if it wasn't another priest abuse story'. I also believed in the seriousness of the phobia he was feeling until he suddenly turned up -after one doctors visit- to the church. I understand the constraints of 12 pages and feel this needed more, so it was being cramped in.

Don't get me wrong, I liked this a lot. Good job.

RJ

Sorry, but I can't think of anything that would improve this story. Well done.

Good writing, decent pace. The story was a bit predictable, but I guess it's hard to make one that isn't.  

Quoted from Spqr Sorry, but I can't think of anything that would improve this story. Well done.

Great helpful feedback.  Thank you for your effort here.

It's weird. I seem to think almost half the scripts I've read deal with not wanting to be in contact with other human beings. Us writers are a predictable lot!

I liked the story, but I think more could have been done with the Nathan character. It seems it shows his phobia, a doctor tells him about abuse (and for a dude who knows 7 languages and hasn't heard about his specific phobia) and then it shows him being over his phobia because of the doctor's "helpful" advice.

I think if the script just focused on one, or maybe two examples of Nathan's phobia and actually got into Nathan's character outside the phobia it would have more impact. Right now it seems like it's just a bunch of scenes leading to Nathan's revenge. Kind of like a joke with a punchline. I want to know the Nathan character a bit more so I care about what he does.

Good job though! An interesting take on getting over a phobia.

From the start its an interestingly crafted world.
I actually like this one although sometimes the therapist can come off accusatory rather than helpful which I'm assuming is what a therapist should be. Unless that was your intention, disregard if it was.
The twist was enjoyed and welcomed.
Nothing but kudos to you.

This one kept me interested throughout. It zipped along and was an easy read. I only have two complaints/suggestions. I think Nathan got over his phobia way too quick. Instead of showing him being all normal at the end, why not have him doubt his feelings a little more? Sort of trying things out more carefully. Not really sure if he's beaten his phobia or not. Small steps as he learns he might be over it.

Also, I wish you hadn't gone down the cliche' road of a priest abusing little boys. Sure it has happened, but as movies goes, it has been done to death, IMHO. I was waiting for you to throw a surprise at us for something different. A twist. Maybe instead of it being sexual abuse, why not something else? What if the priest used some other kind of touching as punishment whenever the boys do something wrong?

Anyway, a good read that could be great if it doesn't go down this wornout path. Surprise us with something different.  8)

Good polished read, except for that notably unfortunate missing comma on page 3: "FATHER O’NEIL (70), clad in a black vestment and a YOUNG BOY..."

I think the script is doing this already, but I do think it needs to be clearer that the therapist doesn't want to suggest strong courses of action when meeting this person for the first time. The story as I see it is more about Nathan grabbing on to one specific off-hand suggestion and misusing it, and it would feel less like he works through his trauma absurdly quickly if there was more of a hint that Nathan was just a potentially dangerous person in general.

I also kinda think this would work better if Nathan had been seeing Anderson with some regularity and then something changed that forced this conversation out. This would allow for smoother exposition and less of a feeling that we're being hurried through a ton of character beats, in my view.

The phobia itself, and the work you've done with it in the first half, is more interesting than the straightforward revenge tale that follows. I felt a bit like the irrational aspect of phobia was missing here; he was inappropriately touched, so he fears touch...kinda blah. I think I gotta throw in with a lot of other commenters and say that the priest storyline is an unsatisfying element, for me only because it seems to deny the messiness and strangeness of real-life reactions to trauma by setting us up for a pat revenge tale. At the very least, I'm on board with Pia's suggestion above that he certainly shouldn't be normal at the end.

Anyway, this is obviously solid, well-written work. I think its strongest element is its first half, and I think it'd benefit from a major rewrite with a different story for the second half. But it's solid as is.

***

The best available evidence seems to suggest at this point that Catholic priests are not more or less likely to commit sexual abuse than the average man. At the same time, the institution of the Catholic Church, as a whole, has clearly been guilty of cover-ups/turning a blind eye to predatory behaviour and sexual abuse, up to the level of the Holy See (or so the U.N. has it: http://documents.latimes.com/un-human-rights-committee-report-vatican-policies-toward-sex-abuse/). Scripts that wade into this territory should take care with where they place their blame, in my view -- the predatory priest character might be about due for a retirement, except for scripts that intend to take a broader view of the issue.

And from a dramatic standpoint, anyway, it's very predictable -- not always bad, but bad in the case of this script, I think.

Just started the re-write of this and wanted to thank all that posted comments.

- Going to fix all the mentioned typos
- Solid advice from many on the turnaround coming too quick for the Protag.
- After careful consideration, not changing anything related to the priest as the abuser. The story is based on a real life incident (other than the murder at the end).  The Protag was a childhood friend of mine (we were altar boys together) that suffered the abuse and the affliction he ended up with was real - though not to the same extent as in the story. I know it may be a tired topic to some but is meaningful to me.
- Debating whether to keep the RIP requirement

Not looking for re-reads (old draft still up) but did want to take time to appreciate the reviewers.

PS - Warren - will fix the OS -  OC thing.  This error seems to ne my signature. Somehow I have it stuck in my mind that:

OS - should be Out of Scene (like from the next room)
OC - should be Off Camera (i.e., in the scene but not shown on the camera)
VO - should be not in the scene, not off camera

Wouldn't that be delightful? Anyway - ain't the way is is - will correct.

Thanks again all.