Sweeet Sara by Night Train - Adult, Short, Horror - A man meets a woman at a bar and tells her the ghost of his dead wife has been following him for five years. 9 pages - pdf, format

Phasmophobia - Fear of ghosts

Going to read again - not sure he had a fear of ghosts or was just haunted by one.

Love the title here.

Love your logline...first one I've read that sounds intriguing. Good job.

Good snappy dialogue exchanges. Good job.

I like this. Meets the challenge and cool twist on the end. Great writing on display here... Not much bad to say.

GREAT job writer!

Maybe I'm off the mark here, but I have a suspicion that George is actually dead. If that's the case and he just doesn't know it, very cool idea but it needs to be established a little better. Even if he just vanished when that street light goes out instead of running off, it would be effective. It would still meet the challenge since he is afraid of the other ghosts, even if he is one himself.

Regardless, it's well written, Amy is a good character, and the dialogue is decent. George is heavy on exposition, but again,that would work if him being dead was the twist.

It's a little slow, the pace should be higher after they leave the bar. The tone is great though, good job there. All in all, a solid entry.

Writing is OK, but the setup here rings very false, and Amy would never sit with a whacko like George, once he starts saying the zany things he says.

Damn...Amy sure slammed that martini fast!

Still, the dialogue just isn't natural and this conversation would never play out like this - it's here to meet the challenge, and for me, that's a problem.

OK, so now Amy finally is acting like a real person.

Well, not bad, I guess, but for some reason, it just doesn't do much for me.

Grade - ** 1/2

Hi,

I don't think you need to state the gender and the name, it's overwriting, how many male Amys do you know and how any female Georges do you know.

Turn off the character CONT'D, they are distracting.

SPOILERS

I kind of feel like George would have been locked in the looney bin years ago, he is a missive oversharer, he just met Amy and he's telling her about his dead wife's ghost, I don't really buy it.

Quoted Text Amy appears around the corner and screams when an arm reaches out of a black doorway and pulls her to a stop. She screams, until she sees it’s just George.

This confused me, she screams until she sees it's George but half a page ago she wanted him in a nutbag and to get away from her.

Quoted Text AMY Wow. Sucks to be you.

This dialogue is so out of line with the rest of the tone of the script, it's the second time its come off comical but I see you wrote this as a straight horror.

Not much of a horror element.

The ending wasn't really a twist as you could see it coming early on when he starts talking about  Amy possessing people, the obvious conclusion would be he would kill an innocent person.

The phobia was there and the RIP was there but I think it was used it a very bland way.

The writing was good but the story overall wasn't for me.

All the best.

Lively little madman story.

It was very talky, but it got quite chilling. You portrayed his madness very well, I thought.

One of the standouts, for me., even if in an ideal world it could have one or two more twists to the tale.

Picked this one because I chose the same phobia. Didn't finish on time though.

First off, a pet peeve of mine. One woman. Two women.  

You had the ghost phobia, but it came across more as George were insane, IMO. I would've preferred to see him be a little more normal with a phobia than a paranoid crazy person.

A little too talky in the beginning, IMO. Especially when George goes on explaining everything.

Other than that, good job!  8)

Wow, this is my absolute favorite of the bunch. I read 15 so far. Very funny.
I also read the comments for this.

I understand it's about a crazy man who has an abnormal fear of ghosts. He's not normal - that's true. But he has a specific fear and that is of ghosts. That's why it qualifies as a phobia for me.

Anyway, good luck to you with it. I loved it.

Quoted from khamanna Wow, this is my absolute favorite of the bunch. I read 15 so far. Very funny.

Very funny? Is that a good thing considering the genres were horror, thriller, or drama and this hasn’t been listed as a comedy horror.

Quoted from Warren Very funny? Is that a good thing considering the genres were horror, thriller, or drama and this hasn’t been listed as a comedy horror.

I might find it funny, others may not, so...

The genre is horror all the same. All types of horror still go under horror.

Nice clean read.  Good writing.

Story  hit home but I think you should have made the topic of their argument evident.  Gives you the opportunity to explain the reason behind her haunting.


Fear of your dead wife I think.  All ghosts?  Still works for me phobia wise.

Boo Hoo
Good Stuff!

Page 2 and I'm a bit confused - George says he goes there because there are no ghosts, but then he's checking everyone out and telling Amy that you can't be to careful. I know this is meant to be a phobia thing, but for me this didn't fit.

AMY
So who is this ghost that’s
bothering you. - This felt out of place - he hasn't said that he's being bothered by a ghost. Seems odd that she would ask him this.

Amy's reactions are off - she wants to hear about ghosts, which is odd - with the way he just blurted things out I would have walked at the start, but she hangs around acting interested then flips on him mid story.

GEORGE
Did you see her?
Amy smacks him with her purse.
AMY
You asshole! You scared the shit
out of me!

- knowing he was a nut job - I'd still be screaming.

At this point the ghosts almost seem like a weird obsession of George's not a phobia - he can't stop going on about them and as much as he is supposed to be scared - I'm not getting that intensely scared vibe - he's just coming across as a weirdo with ghost stories. Amy at this stage seems to be more fearful than him - but she wanted to hear about the ghosts to start off with, so no phobia there.

I did like the twist with George at the end, but the bulk of this one wasn't for me, sorry.

RJ

Hey writer!!

It started out almost as a Ted Striker story situation out of Airplane (I was half expecting a flashback, followed by a hanging), and then went into random chase movie, followed by nut job murder! What the hell??

Look, I'm probably being overly critical but you clearly know how to write so I feel I should be honest with my assessment.

From start to finish it just roamed all over the place, and wasn't particularly believable at any point after they left the bar. The characters were okay, the story just nuts though.

Formatting and spelling wise, you appear to have that nailed so no quibbles there. Phobia?? Not for me. He's a fruit loop who's afraid of his ex wife's ghost, not ghosts in general which is a phobia situation.

Nuts, absolutely nuts. Easy to read, thematically not entirely there, and the plot is just running around all over the place with its hair on fire.

Well done for entering,

Cam

Good writing, very easy read

Love the dialogue at the bar.

Have trouble with the phobia aspect of it though, he himself says that you have to make sure they are real people after checking people out at the bar... yet he puts himself into these situations?, which is something a person with his mindset and phobia wouldn't do. He also pursues Amy believing that she has been taken over by his dead wife Sarah. This reads more like a paranoia than a phobia.

Take out the phobia aspect and this would be a good story

Some nice writing on display here. Great descriptions, natural sounding and entertaining dialogue.

My first problem was I didn't buy it that Amy would chat to the guy when he sounds loony tunes from the start. Eventually she does start reacting naturaully but not early enough for me.

When George starts escalating, he does so very quickly and goes from man with a phobia to complete mental person with a click of a finger.  He's so wacko it made me doubt he'd be anywhere but a lunatic asylum or a prison by now. It's also very obvious at page 6 where this script is heading, it's telegraphed.

You had a very interesting premise and I think you should have pressed the phobia more, the madman less. There was also a few moments where I thought maybe he was being haunted, I think if you explore this angle you could keep the audience guessing until the end, which is what you want really.

-Mark

I like the premise, perhaps the best use of a phobia I’ve read so far.  Maybe there was a ghost, maybe there wasn’t.  That touch of doubt gives it an extra depth.  I think you could stand to play on that a little more - have some fun with it.  

But that opening conversation is too OTN.  It plays out like a question and answer session, conveniently delivering the backstory.  I didn’t buy that Amy would want anything to do with George - not as written.  If she were drunk perhaps - bored, brash and engaging him for kicks which she later regrets.  

‘Amy appears around the corner and screams when an arm reaches out of a black doorway and pulls her to a stop. She screams, until she sees it’s just George.’

And she stops screaming?  She doesn’t know George, why is she suddenly trusting this oddball?

The set-up needs a polish, but this is a dark little story, one I think you should come back to.

I liked that I found myself second guessing what was going to happen as the story unfolded. Will Amy be the ghost? The waitress? Is he a whack-job or legit? Good work.

There were some little issues: Phobia - meh, not so much. I feel like he's just tired of being harassed by his dead wife, not so much in ungodly fear of all ghosts?

Easy to read and could be made on a shoe-string. One location and the street. Cheap-o production here.

Good stuff.

I really like the idea of a psychopath who is terrified of ghosts. As the story progresses and we see more and more how disturbed George is it becomes really chilling.

I would have liked Amy to be a bit more pro-active. She hits on a weirdo, leaves, lets him follow her then pretty much lets him murder her. I would have liked to see her have a little spunk and personality. It would have more impact when she dies too.

But this is a great, disturbing short that works on more than one level. Great job!

Swee(e)t Sara
Don spent you an extra E here

A qualified horror title I think
Content of your logline sounds interesting; don't like how it's written though

The dialogues are too repetitive. Check each dialogues purpose and analyze if it moves the story forward. The plot, especially when it gets "outside", is far too slow and not visual enough as a movie.

Compress it to get more entertainment value and live-experience…

bottom p8 there it regains back some pace and momentum, nice twist

All in all, the story didn't do it for me.

It's hard to believe this whole ghost stuff, better said, hard to take the plot serious…

And if this is the case, you must be damn good at the entertainment front to justify the flick.

Perhaps another go might open some doors…

This might be my favorite so far even though it gets off to a very rocky start. Once they're outside and you start casting doubt, shifting expectations, it gets interesting. There's that chance it's actually a spirit possessing people. But the more likely possibility is even creepier... he's managed to invent this fantasy that explains away all the neighbors, friends, and now bar dates repelled by his insanity.

The main issue is Sarah's actions and dialogue early on. The first thing she would do is bail from the date immediately. Her casual sarcastic remarks in the face of him talking about killing deer and the like just don't work imo.

I suggest starting out with George actually being charming and interesting. Maybe there's something a little off about him, but not so obvious at first. Perhaps they were both set up on the date because they had spouses who passed recently. So it leads to a natural conversation about George's wife... till he eventually veers to crazy shit about ghosts and she bails.