Unfathomable by Sybil - Adult, Short, Horror - A troubled woman tries to deal with her life of horror, but, only gets into deeper trouble. 8 pages - pdf, format

Androphobia - Fear of men; Agraphobia - Fear of sexual abuse or assault

Lots of formatting errors throughout and starts with an incomplete scene heading out of the gate.

Would have been nice to know who Brad was?

I liked the first two thirds of the story but the ending was a bit off the rails for me.

Love your title.

Thinking your logline needs work. Find myself asking what life of horror and what obstacle could put her into more trouble? Give us more about the story... characters ... if you can. I'm not good at loglines so not judging here.

As I was afraid, out of the gate we get the phobia said in dialogue. Would've been nice to show a short teaser opening with Jane having a severe reaction to someone before feeding us this in dialogue IMO. Show don't tell.

Who was Brad? And who was the Beautiful Jane? Was it like a split personality?

I cannot imagine a psychiatrist ever treating a patient like that.

Jane and Grace's voices sounded exactly the same. You should try to find some way to differentiate your characters in their voice/actions.

I like that phobia but there is a lot that I didn't understand. Why the knife? Was she expecting the other Jane to show up? I will wait on the writer to weigh in. I think this has potential if reworked.

Good job writer.

This just didn't work for me. It isn't believable, from start to finish, which is too bad because the writing is quite good. Maybe it was a last minute rush job.

The phobia is handled really well. I felt for Jane. I didn't understand the point of having Brad disrobe. Jane's bad break is quite severe, but it gets her out of her phobia? I don't get that.

Good effort, it just didn't do anything for me.

Hey, writer.

That Jane of yours is surely a piece of work. So she had a personality disorder, hasn't she?
I didn't understand it very well.
I liked the first part. But when she started falling apart to different personalities I lost the trail of the story. Maybe it's because she's such a complicated character.
The story doesn't add up to me. I'd want to see something in it, like moral, or point, looking for some roundness here. But the ending is somewhat random for me. The whole personality disorder doesn't work for me I guess.
Well written entry though. And it's easy to understand, not like it's unclear. It just ultimately doesn't add up for me.
Thank you for writing it and entering.

Wow!!

A little too far out for me.

But I must say, it read like you were having fun writing it.

So my hat's off to Plain Jane and Beautiful Jane.

It's all about story.  Ain't it?

Keep them fingers ' a typing.

JJ

Hi,

Extra comma in your logline, not off to a great start.

Quoted Text DR. GRACE EICHEL PSYDR OFFICE - DAY

This slug isn’t very clear.

Quoted Text JANE Androphobia. The fear of men. GRACE Right. And the other one. Jane’s voice lowers. JANE Agraphobia. The fear of being sexually abused by people.

Wish people wouldn’t feed you the phobia, much better if you could let it show itself in a more natural way.

Quoted Text JANE I’m good Brad. Thanks for asking.

Comma required when addressing someone directly in dialogue. So it would be " I'm good, Brad".

Quoted Text Jane’s other hand instantly recoils, but, she fights that response, and slowly extends her hand to touch his hand.

Same issue that you had in your logline, why are you surrounding "but" with commas. Just one before is required.

Okay, you need to read an article on how to use commas. They are everywhere.

Quoted Text Suddenly, she hears her DAD’s voice. DAD It’s okay, we aren’t really related. It’s our secret.

If this is a voice over it should be written like this: DAD (V.O.), same with MOM (V.O.).

You are also capatalising them as if you are introducing them on screen so this is very confusing. Can we see them or is it a voice over?

Quoted Text BOOM!

Third person to use these comic book sound effects, they’re terrible.

Personally like a FADE OUT.

Story-wise I think there might be a hint of something there, but it needs a lot of development. The way it’s currently written it's just to all over the place.

I think given more time and pages this could potentially be something.

All the best.

On the nose dialogue, clumsy action and a bad trip inducing ending. I don't know if this is a new writer as there's stuff to indicate this, but equally there's elements which suggest a seasoned writer in a rush. i'll just play it safe and say this one's not for me.

-Mark

I wouldn't use the word "confusing" when talking about his entry, but some choices within the piece had my questioning exactly what was happening.

On top of her two phobias - which you so kindly named and defined for us in a very expository fashion, she had multiple personality disorder? That came out of left field in a big way.

The writing needs to be polished, for sure, and the stutter-dialogue needs to go. Do it on a couple of times but not this often.

Incorrect comma use in logline, not a good start.

"DR. GRACE EICHEL PSYDR OFFICE - DAY" - WTF?  Has to be one of the poorer Slugs I've ever seen, and I've seen some pretty poor Slugs!

Very awkward phrasing everywhere.

Thanks to Jane, we know exactly what her fears are.  Not good!

Extremely unbelievable dialogue back and forth and nothing like a true Dr. would have with a patient.

Comma-usage is very poor throughout.

Writing is poor.  Character actions and reactions completely unrealistic.  I started skimming and the ending is not handled well at all, from a writing perspective, which makes it very hard to follow.

Grade - *

Might be just me, but I didn't mind the way the phobia's were blurted out - I didn't think it was too bad. The conclusion I came to on this was that Jane had only recently been diagnosed and that the homework was to look up the definitions etc. Wasn't brilliant, but I thought it was alright.

By page 3 this story is getting really weird, really fast - I can't picture any medical professional performing this kind of treatment. I might be wrong, but this type of thing seems like it could possibly make the symptoms worse.

PSYCHOTIC EPISODE - FLASHBACK?

GRACE
Iï¿¿m so sorry, Jane. I really
thought you were ready. -- this doesn't make it any better. I really don't see a psychiatrist doing this kind of treatment. Ever.

Sparse run-down furniture litters this room. - I liked this. Could instantly grasp a picture of what it looked like.

Although a little messy with the back and forth with the Jane's, the last few pages are the ones that actually work the most, IMO. The writing is cleaner, dialogue works better and it gets more interesting. I wish the first half was like the last, then maybe I would have enjoyed the whole thing. I like the whole split personality thing. Phobia...hmm. I really wished I liked this more than I do, but the first half really let you down.

RJ

The pseudonym of Sybil explains plain Jane and beautiful Jane. How many Janes are there? I get what you were going for but could be written so that we know they're all her. Looking in a mirror and seeing the other Janes? How would you film the slashing scene when plain Jane is taken out?

Very on-the-nose dialog. Leave some discovery for the reader/viewer when you rewrite. Pay close attention to the grammar and punctuation!

Phobia - check, and RIP - hmmm...does it qualify? Piece vs Peace? We'll see....

Interesting premise. Jane deals with her phobias by becoming different versions of herself. The writing was average. Writer's first name on title page when the rules specified not to put name on the script. I noticed that several authors did the same thing. Some of the word choices were perfect while other lines needed work. There was an action in past tense that should have been in present. The very first slug is wrong. First impressions are everything. I didn't care for Jane spelling out what her phobias were. That is something the reader should be allowed to figure out as the script progresses. Some dialogue was on the nose.

It felt like it could have been a little longer to develop Jane better. Writers were given up to 12 pages and in most cases, it is beneficial to use them. Even a short script needs three acts and that takes time. Not in every case. Some stories can be done properly with less pages but I feel like this script could have used more. Jane dealing with a nosey neighbor at home, perhaps. He pays her a visit, which makes her very nervous, even though he's being nice. Then her different personalities show because of his visit. Raise the tension and the stakes. Bring some tension into the story.

Well written. The only thing I might suggest is to change the guy at the end. Instead of Frank, how about Brad?

Certainly one of the more disturbing scripts I've read. Someone who suffered (or suffers) sexual abuse usually always garners a lot of sympathy from me.

I like that one of Jane's personalities has a phobia, but it would have been interesting if her other personalities had different phobias too. Also, the therapy Jane received seemed a little unrealistic. Maybe it happens that way, but I would think that would be something the doctor would want Jane to seek out on her own rather than bring in a gigolo (?). Also, I would have preferred finding out about Jane's phobia in "real life". Something like the guy she's been dating wants to get intimate. Having a one on one with a doctor always feels like cheap exposition.

If you gave a couple little hints that Jane has multiple personality disorder early on, it wouldn't seem like it all happens at once at the end.

A good idea about someone escaping their phobia by escaping themselves, and with some work on the story, the theme could even have more impact.

Interesting title,
Then, sorry to say but the logline is… problematic.

p1 dialogue about phobia reads unnatural
better interweave that in a subtle way

"abuse by stepfather" probably is a bit of a cliché here to reason her character; done with a sledgehammer so to say… just my opinion of course
(especially the way it's presented, in your face like. Just give it a special, new delivery)
Also I don't believe that a psychiatrist would interrupt her patient.

Once you're in there, leaving the exposition behind, the story gets very intriguing, specifically when she's hearing her parents from back in the days. Really good.

Then it keeps pace and I like the change of setting and action.

The very last scene didn't do it for me. I think you see my critique on the build-up in the first act. Otherwise, it was a clear and mainly intriguing take. Last picture, last concept could be more, well, just more somehow, some way :-) Good job.

Hey writer,

Whoa, errrrrr, that was dark, bloody dark.

You obviously know how to write, there's no issue there. A few formatting qualms for me. Most notably, not sure about the PSYCHOTIC EPISODE, moment, you've got the extra pages, use them to describe it.

Inspite of this, you managed to paint a horrible, brutal picture very well. It's absolutely grim and just nasty in parts. Where I'm having difficulty is separating your talent from the contents of the tale, as I'm not a fan of the story at all, but I appreciate your ability and style.

I'm probably gonna have to say this was in the good writing category, but the story really wasn't for me,

Cam

I, wow this was crazy.  I think this writer must have some psychology knowledge because that is one, but controversial way to deal with sexual abuse.  

I got confused at the end and you should have used all the pages you were allotted for telling such a complex story.

Decent job
Dan