The Fear of Blood by Anonymous - Adult, Short, Horror - Reagan's fear of blood is tearing her life a part. Does her sister Cassidy have what it takes, to free her from a prison of fear? 10 pages - pdf, format

Hemophobia - Fear of blood

Any...

First thing's first. The margins of the pdf seem off. Very spaced ut between character slugs and dialogue. Kind of tough to ignore. Done correctly, you may have a had a page to spare, maybe two....but the narrative reads about right, s I just have to wonder.

DR. Shaw is fine. No need to have his intro character slug with his full name.In fact, if he's the only Shaw, you can just use Shaw. The conversation implies he's a doctor anyway. There's no description of Shaw, which is odd. And he clears his throat. In order to see that, we have to see him.  (again, the funky spacing isn't helping matters)


The teen is having a bloody nose. Swears in front of his mother in a public place (note:this is a
PSYCHIATRIST's office. I'll let that sink in for  moment as the kid with a bleeding nose says what he says. The kid's bloody nose is the least of his problems. Mama might Take his phone privileges away. at least. To a teen, that's cruel and unusual punishment  ;D BTW--- is it TEENAGE SON or TEENAGE BOY? How old is the woman?


p7? p6? (page numbers at bottom of page, some missing)
Something is happening. What's happening? Forget this line, you don't need it. You're about to show me....and...wait just a minute. I got to...process something.

A pregnant woman of an unknown age  has a sudden case of Vaginal bleeding. In a Drugstore.
Okay. Now I processed this...

Now I have to process Regan's real affliction which is...well, it doesn't matter. The spacing issues was bad enough, but then I'm hit with vaginal blood and a twist that comes out of nowhere. What a cop out. I'm done.

I

The first thing I noticed was that the spacing is off - definitely stands out.

It might be just me but I don't like the intro 'as average as they come' - these days everybody is so vastly different that you really need to think about who your characters are and describe them as such.

He pretends to measure her waist - with what? I immediately pictured a measuring tape and thought 'that is really out of place' reading the next line I think it was with his hands, but this threw me.

If my finance was to call me a chubby bride - even joking around - he'd be slapped upside the head (I know - abuse, abuse).

Ok - bottom of the first page says the streets are bustling because it's New York after all - take my lead:

FADE IN:

EXT. CURBSIDE - NEW YORK - DAY

The streets bustles with busy pedestrians.

A snow cone cart sits on the sidewalk. The VENDOR, 50's, drizzles blood-red syrup......etc, etc.

^^ This sets the scene immediately, otherwise there is no sense of a bustling New York street before you tell us.

Dr Shaw needs an intro.

I know you have an interesting story in this somewhere and the sister angle is sweet, but this needs a lot of work.

Hope this helps.

RJ

As others have said - the spacing is way off. Fix that and the format is generally fine.

SPOILERS

Not sure about the phobia - she hasn't a fear of blood. She has a lust for it and fears that she can't control that lust - is that a phobia?

THis was a little OTN

Quoted Text REAGAN (weeping) After I was attacked that night, I did all the right things. Went to the hospital, filed a police report. Even counseling. How could I have known any of this would happen.

I think the point could have better been made between dialogue with the sister and her fiance.

Not on love with the ending at all - seemed like horror for horror's sake - I know that might sound inane given the genre, but for me it would be a far more interesting twist is she self-destructed (suicide or something) to prevent her from succumbing to her lust (maybe the sister has to assist in this regard) then going out the way she did.

Not going to repeat what others have already mentioned about formatting except that there are a lot of free screenwriting apps you can download. I use Trelby (free, no strings attached or ads) but there are a lot to choose from. It's obvious you did this in Word, or come other similar software.

Good news is that I liked the twist with the hemophobia because of what the sight of bloods causes her to do. Good job. The RIP was meh.

Hit the formatting rules and take heed to what the others have already mentioned. Kudos for entering.

Hi,

Spacing issues have blown your page count out.

Quoted Text It’s New York City after all.

Is there something showing us we are in NY, not sure we would get that from a busy street.

The dialogue seems a little too young for a 27 and 30 year old.

Quoted Text DR. SHAW (O.S) Are you two close? REAGAN We’re sisters.

So are they close or not? Just because they are sisters means nothing.

Quoted Text Blood gushes down her thighs and calves.

These encounters with blood seem very convenient for the story and not very natural.

Some missing punctuation here and there.

SPOILERS

Quoted Text REAGAN You see, it isn’t the blood that I fear… The bartender dabs his forehead with his hand. Blood smears on his fingertips. REAGAN (opening her eyes) The true fear is what I will do if I give in to my thirst. Now I know, I will never be at peace until I become who I am truly meant to be.

You chose the fear of blood as your phobia and the clearly state that’s not the case.

How is Reagan getting around during the day? Or is she one of those Twilight type vampires?

Quoted Text He draws his gun and squeezes off a single shot. POW!

POW? I don’t think you need this comic book style sound effect.

Not sure there is any phobia present in this script.

The vampire angle feels very forced.

Probably be lucky to hit 6 pages if it was formatted properly.

All the best.

Hey writer,

Afraid, for myself anyway, it read like an episode of Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, not a good thing unless you're deliberately setting an off kilter comedy tone, in which case it's genius.

Spacing is jiggered, the plot is confusing as all get up and the dialogue is so on the nose it kills it before it even starts. Inspite of this, you have few obvious typos and at least the structure of a script in place.

Hit reset, fix the spacing and try again. Something to build on here, but not this story,

Cam

Reagan's a bit of a blood magnet isn't she? Everywhere she goes, people are having accidents and babies.

This read like a pisser to me. Sorry if that's not the case but it did. Either way it didn't float my boat.

-Mark

Hi,
Some colorful scenes I guess.  But the logic  of the character actions were off for me.

I became confused early.  At first, Reagan is scared by the blood but she turns into a blood sucking demon.  The drugs weren't working I guess.  Didn't buy the sisterly love connection.

Sometimes I was laughing and sometimes just wondering what was going on.

In the end, interesting approach to the OWC.

Regards,

JJ

Hey, writer. Thanks for entering.

I liked the fact that she doesn't have a fear of blood but rather of what might happen when she sees blood. I  liked that line of dialog very much and I liked what happened to her after.

But I couldn't understand how Cassidy suddenly turned to be an experienced vampire slayer. She behaved like she and her fiance knew how to handle a vampire.

There are some repetitions. For example, you write "He is having a nosebleed. Blood drips from his nostrils' - you could leave just the second sentence.
The spacing - there shouldn't be gaps after the character.
And the margins are off a bit.
But that's an easy fix.

The fiance sounds off. He's complaining about her sister not being present as if he hates Reagan for something. Very strange.

Everywhere she goes is blood. Here I go for years without seeing a person bleed and she encounters it every day.

Thanks for entering. and good luck to you with it.

This twist didn't work for me.  Her fear of blood isn't a true phobia.  

SPOILERS.  It just activates her "issue."  Like wolfsbane activates a werewolf.

I think this story might do better if you didn't have the parameters set in.

The story, for the parameters, didn't work for me.  Without the parameters, it was pretty good.

The biggest issue is, I'd like to see evidence of the sexual assault before hand only to find out that what happened to her was far worse than assault.  That's the horror story you can share and take to the next level.

Dan

Well, with a title like this, it's going 1 of 2 ways...let's hope it's not the obvious.

Odd opening Slug, to say the least, and reading on, incorrect.

"as average as they come" - terrible character description.  Tells us nothing.

Dialogue is very odd and stilted.

Spacing appears to be fucked up, making this very padded, or much longer than it should be.

How does anyone know they're in NYC?

OK, weird and awkward writing all over the pace and the spacing is so fucked up, I'm not going to waste my time.

NO GRADE

REAGAN THURGOOD (25) black, pixie cut hair.

Maybe just me, but I read that sentence as Reagan was black.  That Cassidy wasn’t introduced with race meant I spent the whole script waiting to see how it figured into the plot - them being sisters and all.  Maybe, ‘dark, pixie cut hair’ - or leave it out altogether.  It’s minor, but it threw me out.

No doubt the line spacing has been mentioned above...

Far too convenient that Reagan should have not one but three blood based encounters in one day.  That kind of plotting weakens the story.

Twist ahoy - sister and fiance just happen to be vampire hunters.  Well, I didn’t see that coming, but it’s not an angle I can get with, not given the tone.  Maybe if you played it more for fun?  Did they know?  Is that why they were visiting, to take out poor old vampire sis?  Again, it falls to a vey convenient situation.

So Reagan isn’t afraid of blood?  I’m not sure you thought this idea through given the parameters.  Shame as I thought you had something with that set-up - the image of the snow-cone, elevator scene - it was going somewhere.  Then the contrivances start piling up and you lost me.  

A vampire with a phobia of blood - I’m thinking that could have been a stronger choice to base your story around.  Phobia based Halloween horror right there.  Sorry to say the scattershot plotting doesn’t work for me this time around.

I thought it was an interesting take on the overdone vampire genre. To have someone resisting their natural urges to drink blood and doing their best to stay away from it makes the character interesting.

However, Reagan even says it's not really a fear of blood, it's a fear of giving into her thirst so that makes this one a little tough for me. If she didn't say this, the reader could go on believing it was a fear of blood and learn on their own what it really was, which wouldn't be as bad. But when the main character admits their fear that the whole story is built upon isn't her real fear, that makes it work less well overall.

The writing was good, but the severe spacing issues causes the presentation to be sloppier than it should have been. The script is also shorter than the page count suggests because of the spacing. Just make sure when you submit a script for someone to read or to a contest, that all of the formatting/spacing is professional because many will stop reading immediately if it doesn't look like a professional wrote it.

Like the phobia you chose to write about.

I do not think you need quotation marks around your title.

Logline needs work.

Instead of opening with a shrink discussion.. why not open with maybe a freak attack over blood.. maybe while she's trying to give blood ... or they are doing a blood test... or anything to show her fear.

I do like the elevator thing.. being stuck in an elevator with your biggest fear... that is a good idea. I'd have liked to see that scene first maybe. Then give us some history... show more than you tell when writing.

Alprazolam mmm NICE choice.

Why does the pregnant woman bleed out in the pharmacy? That was a weird choice.

LIke that her 'true fear' was that if she got near blood she would do something terrible. Good job.

If she looked like that in a bar though I do not think it would be that nonchalant.

Stabs her sister... hmm hard to kill your own... if you were going to use this .. you should've showed a strong bond between them near the beginning... so that this would be a bigger gut punch at the end.. .or that it would so very hard for her to do this.

Think adding conflict and cutting this down and reworking it would be worth the time. You have a lot of GOOD things in here.. just need to rework it a bit.

Good job.

I would be freaked out if saw as much blood in one day as Reagan did too! Wouldn't make me thirsty though. If it was milkshakes, different story entirely.

This was pretty good. I like how you tricked us into thinking Reagan had a phobia when she was actually scared of what she would do. And it seems like it might have been a relief when her sister showed up to kill her.

There's been a lot of vampire films throughout the years, and it's hard to make any story of the undead seem fresh, but you did it. Good work.

On the go notes:
I love the opening visual since I'm already aware this is going to be about blood. Well done!

Code "As average as they come"

Try not to use this as a description ever. Most readers will judge you that there is no actual point for him to be average, and you are just being lazy and skipping your characters' descriptions duties.
A kiss on the forehead? That's weird. I'm weird I guess.
Who is her that she needs to call? Why does she want to avoid that? Sweet! A mystery. I like it.

Code "She fondles the locket."

You are using body language to express that she's nervous about this issue. Man, you're good.

Code "Drops of blood hit the floor, exploding into a shower of tiny red particles. Hypnotizing."

Love it! True master.

Code "It pains her to hit the ignore button."

Now you are being lazy, man. Describe how she expressed that pain. Don't just tell us.

Code "Blood gushes down her thighs and calves."

You sadistic maniac. You're giving Reagan hell :'( and I loved it :')

Quoted Text "After I was attacked that night, I did all the right things. Went to the hospital, filed a police report. Even counseling. How could I have known any of this would happen."

Hmmm. Heavy exposition that wasn't skillfully handled.

Holy shit! What a reveal! Goddamit. You are so good.

Quoted Text "The true fear is what I will do if I give in to my thirst. Now I know, I will never be at peace until I become who I am truly meant to be."

Come on, man. We got this. Trust our intelligence. Heavy exposition again.

Code "It’s no secret the bartender is being eaten behind the bar."

Heavy exposition again. I'm offended.

Rest in peace! Beautiful.

Overall:
I loved the twist. It made everything worthwhile. The concept is promising. And a serious attempt at perfectly executing it will render a truly entertaining script and eventually a masterpiece of a short.

Characters:
None of the characters has the depth I hoped for. The short exchanges between them and the monocolored situations you put them in, gave us no insight into what kind of people they are. Reagan is afraid of blood and guiltily avoiding her sister. That's all. James is a teaser who care about family. Cass loves red syrup flavor and would rather avoid her sister. As you can see, there is hardly any depth to them.

Also Reagan change of heart at the end felt unatural and not paced right.

Dialogue:
I try to avoid criticising dialogue when there is a characters' problem. But I would say you need to work on your dialogue. Less exposition, more entertaining and fun to read.

Structure:
I hoped the reveal of Reagan true fear was the middle point, not that close to the climax. What if Reagan ran away from them, and we spent the other half of script chasing her? Wouldn't that be more entertaining? I agree that the 12 pages limit is making it difficult to explore this concept in such way.

Story:
Loved the story because of the twist and the last bit of action we got. And the second reveal was also good. Cass and James being hunters. But I thought the part before Reagan's thirst reveal was very placid. You just put her in bad situations. And I hardly cared for her. So those scenes did nothing for me on an emotional level.

Advice:
- Work on your characters. Give them depth and make us care for them.
- Rearrange the reveals. Put the thirst reveal in the middle, and the hunters reveal on the start of the third act. Pace it in a way so we can enjoy it one bite at the time. Don't cram it in the last act.
- Improve the dialogue. Beware of your heavy exposition habit.

Best of luck.

I want to start it off by pointing out that I'm a huge fan of the action lines.
Great cinematic feeling.
I like the way you introduced the characters and expressed Reagens illness.
The twist was for me a litte too far fetched, but I still accepted it.
What I don't like that much is the fact how easily Cassidy ends the life of the only piece of family we were introduced to and that she was prepared to kill that beast.
But hey, why not?
You gave the story definitely a new angle, so great job!