Brown Water by Dena Mckinnon writing as Something Is Down There (pale yellow) - YA, Short, Drama - What if the only thing you were scared of was the only thing that could save you?  8 pages - pdf, format

Hydrophobia - Fear of Water

Alright, first thing is the title page. Just stick to 12pt courier. Having a colored Creature/Rocky Horror 14 pot font suggests gimmick

How does Catfish speak?There's some dialogue  that is slightly inconsistent. Soe times it is "broken" english, sometimes not. Sometimes he says "ya" and sometimes he says "you". r "yer" and "your"
Tadpole also has dialect issues (p4- "her and 'er)

I'm still kind of curious as to what (or who?) was in the brown water. Was it Juile, the voodoo witch? that is mentioned? Is it Tadploes mother?

That all out f the way, the script isn't is as half bad as I thought it would be.Overall, it's fairly well done. And I'm not the biggest flashback or voice over narrator fan either out there either.

Good work.

Hi,

Considering this is an 8-page drama and you pretty much gave all that information away. I'm almost sure who wrote this.

The title page is downright horrible, it hurts my eyes.

She does this, she does that, she does this. Try changing the perspective from which you are writing, it will make for a better read.

The writing in okay. I don't think the story makes much sense and intern doesn’t have much substance if you take away the time it would have taken to write the accent throughout. A well-written accent and ridiculous title page does not a script make.

Not for me.

All the best.

There was a lovely atmosphere to the opening.

The script itself was ruined by the Anti-Christian bigotry. The Church and the Priest as the bad guys is just about the biggest cliche in films and stories about now. It's become almost a necessary part of writing, it seems.

As soon as it appears, you know how it's going to end.

Get rid of all the religious aspect and have it as simple struggle between a girl afraid of water against a nasty rapist, and it would be a lot stronger in my opinion.

Short and sweet; I actually really liked this and would have to say that it's my favourite so far.

I have an inkling about who wrote it and sense they've done a couple of different things to throw some people off scent. (as always, I may be wrong)

Sure, it's not a fresh story, but all in all, IMO, it's well rounded and works.

One thing I didn't like was Catfish having that name. Tadpole itself was a strange name, but something I could come to terms with. I see what you're trying to do with tying the names together, family and all, but it did take me out of the read - too strange.

Writing was good, it flowed, I really don't have much more to say about it.

Good job.

RJ

The title didn’t grab me, but the opening did.  Full of atmosphere and mystery - solid scene with the canoe.  Something about that swamp/bayou setting always pulls me in.  Another creepy priest gives me pause, but it all tied back into Tadpole’s phobia.  There’s a lot of backstory to fit in here (mother, Julie Brown) so I can understand why you went with a narrator - it works for me.  The space was there to tease this out a little more, I’d not be complaining if you did.  A good read.

I liked quite a bit of this little story. With a couple revs and a clean up, I think you could have something here. Alligators? Or a big anaconda? Or something a little more sinister? Some backstory or some legend perhaps?

Phobia - more like a fear of what lurks in the bayou, not water. RIP - check.

Good work. Good luck.

Hello Writer,

Wow, that was properly atmospheric and just a visual treat. The brown water references in lesser hands would just get annoying after a while, but this was great.

Plods along, but with menace and a brooding sense of fear and resentment. Another religious one, always gonna happen in this horror filled month, not an issue for me. I can't really add anything other than it was just a joy to read and an absolute treat.

Really well done,

Cam

I've seen produced scripts with a fancy title page and produced scripts without. Myself, I don't mind either way but as you will see from some of the comments, some people get quite offended by them so it's a risk.

The script is well written, solid and atmospheric. I love the southern American vibe going on with the dialogue. It's quite risky trying to tackle such a rich accent but you pull it off well.

I loved the opening scene. Very powerful and rich. I was confused as to what the guy was reaching for out for in the water and this confusion stayed with me through quite a few flashbacks and a surprising number of scenes for such a short.  

What I get from this script is that the writer is not afraid to take risks, that should be applauded. For me, it's a bit too confusing as is written. But, with a bit more work, I think this script could be epic, as it is it is still really good and one of the stronger ones of this OWC.

-Mark

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films The script itself was ruined by the Anti-Christian bigotry. The Church and the Priest as the bad guys is just about the biggest cliche in films and stories about now. It's become almost a necessary part of writing, it seems.

Hey Scar Tissue, just thought I'd make a quick point re the above. It's the second time I've seen this comment on the challenge.

We all have beliefs and whilst it's valid and right to maintain them, I'm not a fan of comments like this. Jeff took issue with one of mine a couple of challenges ago for a similar use of god as a vehicle, but he was polite enough to let it be and pass the script to one side.

Whilst things are the way they are in the world (Cardinal Pell and his court case in Melbourne, for example), I think a script like this is perfectly valid, and maybe it's best to just pass on it rather than claim it as propoganda, as I very much doubt that's the point of the author.

I could hear those damn muddy boots as I've been in that sorta situation myself. My favorite part of this was the visual you made me see, plus the "writing for the environment" was right there. I could hear these people speak and I recognized the dialect you were going for.

That said, be careful with the "spelling of words how they sound" type of dialogue. You had "wassant" in one VO and "wasson" in another, but both being used the same way. Also "fur" should be "fer" when used in that context as someone could think you literally mean fur. Lastly, voodoo is one word.

The story was good enough, no real complaints.

The title page is either going to get peeps excited or downright pissed off.  I think it looks OK, as is, but bet alot will bring it up in a negative way.

Opening line is well written.  It pushes the bounds of being too novelistic, but for me, it's a solid start.

V.O. Dialogue that follows is also good, but you've omitted several apostrophes, and that takes away from the slang sounding real.

2nd Slug is not correct, really.  Is this scene really taking place EXT CANOE?  Sure, they're in a canoe, but the scene is really taking place the same place it was earlier - in the swamp.  Also, you have Tadpole watching them, and he is definitely nowhere near the canoe.

I really wish you named the man and woman characters...especially if this comes into play later.

Even this next scene has issues in terms of where it's set.  Tadpole, in theory, is not in the same vicinity as the canoe, yet they are here in the same Slug.

Page 3 - Remember, when you use a name or anything that stands for a name in dialogue, it needs to be offset with a comma(s).

Quite a few missing apostrophes throughout, not only in slang contractions.

In the Flashback, is Father Jimmy the same age he is now?  If not, you need to tell us.

Missing numerous commas.

Many "sentences" could/should be turned into compound sentences, connected with a comma.

Many passages not broken up properly, containing multiple views/shots/etc.

Who is Janey?

Page 7 - You end your Flashback correctly, and we're back in the same scene we were when the Flashback started, but you don't want to start (restart) the scene with dialogue, just like you don't ever want to start a scene with dialogue.

"THREE O'CLOCK" should not be included in the Slug, as we don't see that.

The end.  It's good.  Writing is good.  Tone and theme are good.

There's alot here and because of that, I think you should have used all your pages, but as is, still a good effort.

Grade - ****

I liked it - quite a bit. Very visual , spot on dialogue so this is going to get a high mark from me. I'm only going to comment on the negatives so hopefully the writer takes it in that context.

-- Too many lines starting with she or he - becomes tedious and is really in contrast to some of the creative descriptions - shake it up a bit.

-- Tadpole's gender - helpful if stated when first intro'd. Not a big deal - but a had to go back to check - oh. she's a she.

-- The Father Jimmy dialogue on spilled milk seemed forced to me - i.e, did not see that it to a natural lead in for baptism. I actually the story would work better if the baptism was being forced on Tadpole by his father - would create some tension while tadpole waits for the fateful day.

- I don't think you need the blood in the water at the end - the mystery of the brown water is already filled with a creepy tension.

My favorite so far. Nice work.

Quoted from Cameron Hey Scar Tissue, just thought I'd make a quick point re the above. It's the second time I've seen this comment on the challenge. We all have beliefs and whilst it's valid and right to maintain them, I'm not a fan of comments like this. Jeff took issue with one of mine a couple of challenges ago for a similar use of god as a vehicle, but he was polite enough to let it be and pass the script to one side. Whilst things are the way they are in the world (Cardinal Pell and his court case in Melbourne, for example), I think a script like this is perfectly valid, and maybe it's best to just pass on it rather than claim it as propoganda, as I very much doubt that's the point of the author.

Not to hijack the thread - but I concur, especially regarding the use of the term bigotry.  It improperly assume the author's intent and that they are not Christian in the first place (not that that matters - it's just a logic issue).

People don't write about the one billion successful plane flights - they write about the rare plane crashes - that doesn't make them anti plane. They don't write about the security of banks, they write about bank robberies.  So not writing about all the good things a Priest does and focusing on the evil that a some have done is not bigotry. It's the nature of the beast. And - this writer did not write Christ advocates molesting people.  

So, yeah - it may be a tired plot point and criticism in that vein is fair - bigoted is a bridge too far.

I mean no offence towards the writer, it's just that to me the trope has become so utterly overused that I can no longer see it as anything other than an attack on a particular religion.

Whenever a Priest appears in a story on TV or on Film they are invariably a child sex abuser.

Clearly there remain issues surrounding this topic within religious institutions, just as they remain in political organisations, the judiciary, Hollywood etc. It's just that in stories it's almost always Priests and the sheer number of these stories creates an unbelievably biased narrative. Were one to base their opinions on the media then one would have the impression that the sole source of child sex abuse was Christian clergymen, when the reality is that most cases take place in the home.

I'm just bored of it on every level.

Still disagree - but perhaps better for a different thread. Totally my fault for fueling the fire here. Will engage on a separate thread if there ever is enough interest to have one.

I must be the odd one, but., I found it boring.  Sorry.  

I think I was confused by the flashbacks without ages, so, it was hard to follow the timeline.

I agree that the use of religion as the evil guys is a bit too typical, but, it is what it is, right?

Just not my cup of tea.

Oh, and the phobia wasn't true.  The RIP was great, but, she didn't have a phobia of water, but, as someone else said, what was IN the water.

Dan

Quoted from DanC I must be the odd one, but., I found it boring.  Sorry.

Nope, agreed.

Picked this one out of curiosity of the discussion.

I always LOVE when writers use something besides standard font for the title on the cover page. Shows the writer has some creativity and is willing to push a little further. I wish I could do this too, but I can't figure out how.

The story is good. Reads well and like others have said, very atmospheric. I did feel that the priest groping Tadpole's mother felt a little cheap. If you still want to keep that angle, it needs to have something more. Maybe the priest is convinced that he's doing the right thing. Maybe he thinks if she has sinned and let's say had been unfaithful to her husband, he, the priest believes he has to cleanse her down there? He has to have some religious belief to why he does why he does, otherwise it just comes off as a cheap way to feel her up and get off.

Good job!  8)

My two cents, which in today’s world, aren’t even worth a penny:

1. The action lines are pretty well written. Very visual. Could easily picture what was happening.
2. Sorry, but I was not a fan of the dialogue. It’s difficult to write in dialect and make it sound authentic.  Plus I was coming away with a “Forrest Gump” vibe (Mama always said...). Bit on the nose in places.
3.  Was the thing pulling the bad guys under the water Tadpole’s mom? Not totally clear on that.
4.  Why would Tadpole agree to go be baptized when she’d seen what had happened there before? I think I was too easy a solution to the ending.  
5.  All in all, a pretty decent effort here.  Would really work on the dialogue in any future version of this.

I give this 3.75 pumpkins.

Best of luck,
Gary

Hi,
I was "sucked" into your short as soon as I heard the "sound of boots sucking mud"  in the BAYOU SWAMP.
AND when we exited the SWAMP, I thought this is going to be Creepy Good.  It was.

The scenes and characters were vivid.  I admire your courage attempting  poor, southern, Bayou characters' dialogue.  Don't know if it was accurate, but I bought it so KUDOS.

AND Then:  the  (V.O.)'s.  TADPOLE'S opener was Okay, but why CATFISH (V.O.) on page 2 ?  Read like he was there.  Was he?
Then TADPOLE,  in front of the church and in the church.  Necessary?  I hope it wasn't  Ferris Bueller 4th Wall stuff.

TADPOLE'S (V.O.)'s in the  FLASHBACK kinda confused me.  Action lines seemed just a continuance of Tad's (V.O.).

Action Line: Everyone else is moved on.  It's Mama's turn .  Father Jimmy
                  takes his time with her.  Dunks her over and over.
                                              TADPOLE  (V.O.)
                                 No way I was getting baptized like
                                  that.  No way I was ever goin in
                                  that water.
Action Line: Looks like he's drowning her, leaving her down longer.  And
                  longer.  But she comes up the last time gasping.

Unfortunately, the entire scene could have been one long (V.O.).  No difference.  Confusing.

And then Father Jimmy gropes and squeezes Mama in the bushes.  Another rotten priest, but okay.

Finally,                                      TADPOLE (O.S.)
                                    Mama?

So Tadpole was hiding during the baptizing and her (V.O.)'s were sounding over the theater speakers?

ANYWAY,  You can see I'm not a fan of (V.O.)'s.  JMO I'm certain, but I think they're kind of a "Cop Out".
a short-cut of sorts, to show what a character is thinking.  It's all about action for me, even if it means fewer pages.

NOW! after all my glibness,  This was a Great short: Story, dialogue , pace.  For me, one of the best!  Like I said, Creepy Good!

Regards,

JJ

Hey, writer.

What a great story. So expertly told. I loved everything about it.
Got lost about where the blood came from on p7. Looks to me like she drowned herself.

Anyway thanks for a great read and thanks for entering.

Like the title :)

Milk the first scene.

Take out the preacher/mother stuff. Find another reason for the mother's death.

Decide if you will link this to the real legend of Julie Brown or take the legend out altogether.

Well I like fancy titles, and this one fits well.

Everything else has been noted.. The one thing I do think you need to do is ramp up the phobia element. I wasn't feeling that enough.

Nicely done all the same. Some style amidst the ordinary and I like you did something different. It's memorable and that's good. The lyricism of the piece shines through. Btw one of my fav Aussie movies with crocs, terrifying too, is Blackwater.

I'd bet money on who wrote this, but then I could be wrong. :)

Always like a good Southern gothic. I thought this one was well-written and lots of fun. Pretty darn predictable, but that's not the end of the world -- it's placing a familiar story in a specific context, and one that works.

The script's logline, I think, points to the issue with the story overall: the brown water (and everything it represents) doesn't so much save Tadpole as just continue its retributive rampage. What effect does this have on Tadpole? She's our protagonist, but her final choice is really just to go along with what Jimmy's asking of her in the first place. I think the stakes need to be pushed way higher on her fear of the brown water in particular, so that we get the point when we learn what it really is and why she has nothing to fear from it.

I also think the flashback comes at the wrong time -- essentially immediately before the climactic choice, which undercuts the latter. In my view, something needs to happen in present time that allows Tadpole to confront that past and to make a choice about the future.

Anyway. Good strong work with interesting imagery. Enjoyed this one.

Really great writing and atmosphere. The style really was great.

However, I really never knew what it was about. There isn't any momentum to the story and if it wasn't for the hook at the beginning I'd have no clue that anything was going to happen. The Tadpole character was interesting and it's always interesting to see the adult world through a child's eyes. And I like the idea of a cursed pond where baptisms take place.

And after I started reading you made me completely forget my initial reaction when I giggled at the title Brown Water and thought of a toilet. So very well done!

Nice job!

Started off strong with a great first scene, got me hooked into the story right away and it kept up throughout. Enjoyed the writing in this too, dialogue was unique.

Not all too fussy about the names though, I get it living in a swamp your bound to have some odd names, but this is just a small issue I have.

Kinda like to know exactly what took the priest, I'm thinking maybe an alligator.

Great job with this, one of my favs in this OWC for sure.

Solid title
Another logline that is teasing with style. It reads fine but there's no plot and movement what is to be expected.

My major problem here is that I haven't understood the first scene, better said its impact on story. What was it there for? As far as I see it, there never was a payoff or conclusion why the MAN drowned the WOMAN. There was no clear context built later. A set-up without payoff. Not a good choice as a story hook.

Too many characters for my taste, then flashback, V.O. … this was just too unfocused for me. There were some nice visuals and I liked the protagonist, but as a whole story, this just went along and I wasn't sure what it stands for.