Eisoptrophobia by Anonymous9 - YA, Short, Horror - A man tries to face his greatest fear. His own reflection.  - pdf, format

Eisoptrophobia - Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror

Hi,

Three wrylies in your first three sets of dialogue, maybe a bit overdone.

Quoted Text He turns back to the table. A pretty blonde (20), smiles at him. He smirks back.

The pretty blonde needs to be in all caps, as do all other introduced characters.

Turn off character CONT'D, they serve no purpose other than to be annoying.

I'm not sure you fully understand the use of an em dash as it seems like you are using it more as a writing style than for functional reasons.

SPOILERS

So this is just Mirrors/Mirrors 2 with a little unexplained twist.

It was okay, nothing really original and, I really wasn't a fan of the writing style.

All the best.

I agree Warren on the wrylies - drop them. Nobody uses them anymore as an actor doesn't want to be told how to act. Also drop the beats - no longer of use, definite newbie trait.

By page 4 the conversation between Sam and Jack is starting to drag on without action. It's also starting get a tad expositional - Sam is acting like he knows about Jack (this works ok) then asking him all sorts of questions about things he already should know and definitely in the wrong place/time (doesn't work as well).

I liked the use of RIP - thought it worked in well.

Halfway through I didn't know whether I was going to like this or not, but I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't love it, but did like it. I liked the twist with the reflection - it was a nice subtle horror plot that I guess is left to open interpretation.

The end needs to be FADE OUT on the bottom right hand side, not CUT TO:.

RJ  

The premise is seriously, seriously creepy. I am very impressed with it.

The beat where Sam left him was superb. It sends us crashing out of the ordinary world into his nightmare.

What follows is OK, but a little thin for a fully formed story. I didn't get as many chills as I would have wanted, because it all went too quickly.

There's a lot that could be done with this, I think.

Hello writeroo,

Right then, fear of one's reflection, get that every morning, then lunchtime, then evening...

The story. I take issue with Warren's assessment of originality, I can't think of anything off the top of my head of serious note that this has scalped off (Mirrors, never heard of it, so you can't really be blamed for sharing a creative idea that some poorly known B movie has run with).

It had moments of comedy buildup, which was nice (Fastshow reference there, which was nice), followed by a right creepy bit, followed by a nice creepy ending. Nice.

The descriptions were vivid, the pace kinda plodded, but given the length of the script this didn't hurt it. It was well written and IMO correctly formatted overall. We can quibble about contd's and the rest till the cows come home, but it's still a recognised trait and if the idea stands up then I'm not sure why you'd bother criticising them. The lack of Fade Out, however, that's an issue that needs resolved.

Overall, I'm gonna buck the apparent trend and say this is one of my favourites thus far. Short, simple, tidy and a good read.

Nice work.

Cam

Pretty good. I wasn't sold till Sam walked out on him. That was a great touch and really ratcheted up the tension. I found the rest very predictable, but I have no idea what else you could do in so little space. It works for a short.

Nice job.

This is one of my favs so far too. Good creep factor in the bathroom. You could add a subtle description of Jack (IDK, mole on right cheek?) and when he comes out, it's on his left? Or logo backwards on the shirt? Just babbling now, good stuff.

Phobia - Check, and RIP - check. Good work. Give it a rev or two after this is over and see what you come up with.

Congrats on finishing the OWC.  Here’s my two cents...

The story kept my interest.   You could have ratcheted up the creep factor...

Good job,

Ghostie

As others said, don't direct actors when it comes to exactly how the lines need to delivered. Also, don't use "a beat," it's a lazy way to tell the actors that there should be a moment of pause. If you want a pause, write out something a bit more creative.

Regarding the story, I like the idea of one's reflection taking over a person's body. The dialogue was true to life in most aspects, so good job overall.

Way too many wrylies early on.

If you're going to use "beat" to show time passing, you most definitely want it on its own line...so time (and space on the page) does pass.

I'm not liking the writing on display here.  hard to say why, but it's just not working for me.

2nd Slug is incorrect - always start from the bigger or main thing, then pare down from there.

Dialogue just not working for me at all. Jack is 21 years old, yet ti seems like this is a problem all of a sudden, with nothing recently occurring that could have brought it on.

Too many beats and not properly used.

"URINAL"?  I thought he was in a stall?

Now it's a WASHROOM?  It was a bathroom before.

OK, I read the whole thing, but this doesn't feel like a self contained story or script...merely a scene from a bigger piece.  It seems to "mirror" the Kiefer Sutherland flick, "Mirrors", which was rather weak.

Writing is not good throughout.  Way too many beats, way too many wrylies, poor pacing, poor dialogue, nonsensical actions.

Grade - **

"Sam pushes the door open but stops-"

I assume you mean he opens the door but doesn't move ... sounds odd saying he stops when he wasn't or didn't seem to be moving before.

"Once he finishes up, he starts towards the sink"

Another nitpick, just say he moves, but perhaps with a better word.

I actually liked this, good little horror story. I would like to see the Jack/mirror scene extended out a bit more than that, it was somewhat predictable that his reflection would eventually exit the mirror but I like the touch you put on it in the end.

Can't imagine how awkward it would be to have to walk another guy to the bathroom, felt for Sam right of the get go.

Also liked the way you did the RIP too.

I'm not all too bothered with the wrylies, I mean you can always cut them an add in the action that the characters are talking in hushed tones if you really wanted too.

Good job with this.

My two cents, which are worth absolutely nothing in this joint:

1. Rather than use the wrylies three times, just add an action line that says basically they speak in hushed tones.
2. Too much back and forth dialogue in the beginning slows the pace.  It's tedious.
3. Was not interested until they actually got in the bathroom and that's almost 4 pages in. Try to get him in there sooner, preferably by cutting some of the dialogue.
4. An interesting concept once you got to it, but then it was over so quickly the climax seemed short-changed.

I give it 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Good luck,
Gary

The title is a mouthful to read. But I do love that phobia and I love your logline.

Ok good snappy back and forth dialogue along the way. I do think it goes on just a tad too long. But it reads and sounds very natural.

OMG LOVE the mirror delay thing. GREAT work.

The end didn't do it for me. Instead of him getting over his fear... I would have loved to seen him see just the tables in the door reflection and as he smiles...the dopple him walks into frame behind him. Leaving it open ended.

Great job. Well written.

He didn't get over his fear, Dena. He got killed.replaced by the Dobbleganger.

I enjoyed reading this. If it's based on another film then that's a pity but I haven't seen it.

I liked how the phobia was properly explored. The dialogue as he talked about his reflection was creepy as hell, it really setup the encounter in the restroom.

However it need something more. Once his reflection started moving differently it lost some of its atmosphere. I don't think you needed to show anything more than his reflection and some subtle hints that something was wrong. Then at the end it would have been cool to briefly see the original guy trapped in the glass.

Nicely written, nice way of presenting the phobia. A good effort.

-Mark

Hi

Nice, easy read.  Maybe more scary than horror.  There's a difference for me maybe no one else.
Met all the OWC requirements.  A few more pages to increase the horror maybe?
But good effort.

Horror would have been if the lights went out when poor Jack was still on the commode.

Regards,

JJ

This was short and nice.

Perhaps a bit too short. When you don't know what the creature is and what exactly it wants (conquer the world or something?) you want to feel the atmosphere and enjoy a slow build up. There's no atmosphere or build up and I really missed it in here.
There's a similar movie with Jake Gyllenhaal - I personally don't like it but it's a good movie and thanks to the aforementioned atmosphere I believe.
Or You could also show the motive. Next Sam starts seeing his doppledanger in the mirror... Just an idea

Nice job nonetheless and thanks for entering

I thought the writing was solid for the most part.

Another one though where the phobia is kind of undermined by the horror aspect. The dude does see another being in the mirror other than himself - so yeah - he's afraid of it like any rational being would be.  

The back and forth on whether he's going to the head or not at the beginning became a bit tedious and didn't seem quite like the right setting for the fear confrontation. A friend or a family member locking him in the bathroom at home would have been more compelling for me.

Anyway - solid effort for one week for sure.

Not a fan of the title.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Fast food joint. Mostly empty. Eight people sit, crowded at a table.


Could you simplify this and lose the orphan?


INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Mostly empty. Eight people sit crowded at a table.


While we’re at it, do you even need ‘mostly empty’?  Is it crucial?


     JACK
Alright, is doing this gonna kill you?

Hmm, this is someone’s last Happy Meal...

One moment Sam wants to know what Jack’s afraid of, the next he knows?

Lots of little action lines between the dialogue (sighs, struggling with words, raising eyebrows etc.) many you could do without.  Try stripping them out and trusting the dialogue.  Let it flow.

‘I see myself blinking sometimes’ - Okay, that’s creepy.

Is Jack in a stall or a urinal?

I’d much prefer Mirror Jack just turning off the light than seeing the doppelganger behind him.  IMO, Mirror Jack turns out the lights, sound of feet etc. is far creepier than knowing where it’s coming from.  It leaves a little more to the imagination which ups the chills.

Okay, so I really like the premise here.  I’m not a big horror fan but something tells me this might not be the most original idea.  But given the simplicity alone I could see this getting picked up.  These kind of shorts have a lot of appeal.

The writing feels a bit rushed but nothing that can’t be smoothed out.  Dialogue’s a little forced in places - more tell than show, is there a subtler way to deliver that set-up?  And why now?  It seems like Jack might have tested this sooner - maybe give us something here to answer that.    Give this a revision and you’ve got a solid short.  Good stuff.

A very Twilight Zoney script! Cool.

I like the relationship between Sam and Jack, though it sounds like they've been friends for a while, so it's surprising Jack hasn't fully explained his phobia.

I also wish there had been a little more to build the mythology of why, out of everyone on earth, is Jack's reflection trying to escape. Whether it be hinting at a parallel universe in the mirror where real Jack is trapped or somehow showing there are tons of reflections walking amongst us. It is a cool idea, so it would be very intriguing if you delved into it a bit more.

Great job!

Writer,

Even for a slim 7 pages this feels like it went on a page too long. It took until page three to get to what the phobia was and I feel that might have been too long, seems like there was a lot of unnecessary dialogue. That said, I liked this a lot. I think it’s a pretty cool idea you’ve got. I’d work on this some more. Good job!

Steve

Of course, in case of titles, this one belongs to those that might read strange to an independent audience. On the other hand, a strange impression is not a completely bad one imo; it raises questions and is definitely remarkable at least.

Logline is easy to comprehend, quick and close to character, so here, I'd say it's okay even when there isn't much plot movement.

A super fast read and tidy presentation.

Back and forth dialogue, before entering the bathroom, felt dragging, not truly entertaining - get some visual experience into their talk to make it more vivid.

The appearing Doppelganger game in front of the mirror was interestingly played out.

The final "non-conclusion" then felt more like a clever, ironic way to end things. Too nice and sweet for my taste. The script started very talky, then got better, so imo there now must be a further increase of substance in the ending, other than going back to vague, mysterious field and FADE OUT.

But it's not easy to accomplish that and I give no advice on How here - no clue. Just interested if you got a plan B later.

Good entry. A well handled little scenario. It could need more activeness in first act and a striking ending-concept imo