Reset by Someone - Children, Short, Thriller - A girl loses internet at critical moment of her life and has to face her worst fears to get through the night. 12 pages - pdf, format

Belonephobia - Fear of Needles

April's fears have some nice visuals to them, but I wondered what they really amounted to. You'd think April never heard of a USB drive, and the 'net may be down, but the net would not effect the laptop, would it?  maybe she should find another writer's contest seeing hw she has got a few hours (at least) until deadline passes. Hmmm...I wonder...we aren't getting a little meta, are  we?

Why can't pins and needles be a metaphor- she kind of is on them, after all.
;D

Pedro's demise seems a little frced, having a phobia himself which requies him to havea shot. Not sure why it's a needle (one wuold expect pill meds) but what the heck. It seems a bit rushed and muddles up things. I'm kind of curiuos as to why April would visit his grave and pat herself on the back. Really? She barely knew the man and her own fears contributed to his death, if I'm reading the script right. Cme to think f it, you shuld have milked that, because that IS compelling. Maybe, I don't know, like a Pulp Fiction moment (where there is urgency, tension and a build up to a shot in the chest)

WAs it just a fear of needles? Was it als a fear of failure, fear of a deadline, or fear that the internet crashed? Hey, just sayin' y'knw. The latter would be a big fear that most folks wuld suffer from I would think. ;D

Overall, I made it through, and despite issues of pace, the writing is fairly good.

Barrow= borrow (p2)

credits roll (p12) So, who cares where the end credits goes in  a script?

Page 1 completely littered with errors.

Sentence structure is so weak.  ZERO descriptors for anything in the scenes.  Visual writing is nonexistent.

The fear chosen here is odd and forced.

I'm out.

NO GRADE

I'm torn with this script. There's a lot to like but equally there was a lot I didn't like. All of this can be fixed with another draft and maybe the writer simply rushed it? Some of the typos like "the door SLAMS SHOT in her face" suggests this is indeed the case.

Some very interesting characters, they had real dimensions. Some great dialogue which seemed natural but this was interspersed with forced on-the-nose comments, like Maggie mentioning the internet could fail.

There were some scenes where I couldn't quite work out what was going on, while others were easy to follow. I felt Pedro's whole situation was forced to fit into this story. Why didn't Bloodshot know about Pedro's condition?  Why did he say he was allergic to deodorant? That really threw me for a while until it was apparent he was lying.

Anne seemed to turn heartless at the end, which was a shame as I really felt for her character and you setup a good premise.

Lots of potential here but lots of work needed. It fulfilled the OWC though, well done.

-Mark

Hi,

A description of April would be nice.

A few typos straight up, bit of a rush job?

Quoted Text INT. APRIL’S ROOM - NIGHT She closes the door with her back, panting. She closes her eyes to compose herself. She clutches her fist. She exhales. She puts the plastic bag on the table next to her laptop. She unpack her dinner using one hand. She sits down. On her laptop, a browser is open. She’s surfing a page entitled: “Emerging novelist contest.” She takes a bite off of her Taco. Puts it down. Goes back to the contest page and click the “Browse” button. She choose a word document. She clicks “Open.” She gets a 404 ERROR PAGE. She raises her eyebrows. She looks down to the corner of the screen. “No internet access” bubble glares at her.

In this one scene alone, most, if not all your sentences start with "She". You need to try change the perspective from which you are writing; it will make for a much more enjoyable read.

Some passive writing.

Did you introduce BLOODSHOT in all caps? This part got a bit confusing.

Quoted Text APRIL Oh yeah? What should I say? Please help me reset my router cause I have an irrational fear of pins?

I'm not a fan of being spoon fed, we already know what the fear is.

This is riddled with errors and awkward writing.

Story-wise, not for me.

All the best.

I'm on page 4 and the insert shots are puzzling me - not in a good way.

I think the idea about the phobia being of pins and that she needs one to reset her laptop is fairly clever, but the script its self is very wish washy and all over the place. Sorry to say, but the dialogue is too.

Bloodshot feints dropping the laptop. - What? This doesn't fit into the scene at all.

Bloodshotï¿¿s high education kicks in and she senses despair in Aprilï¿¿s voice. - Unfilmable - there is no way to see that on screen.

BLOODSHOT
... get out of your figurative hellhole. - How would she know that? 'They've only just met. I mean, she could assume, but not likely?

Bloodshot said that Pedro was creepy but nice, so April acts weary of him but 2 seconds later says she needs to enter his room - doesn't jell.

APRIL
Nononono. - You've used this a couple of times. When there are no commas or full stops this is not separate no's - its just one big word.

PEDRO (O.S.)
Iï¿¿m sorry. - If I was Pedro, I wouldn't be sorry. He's just generously said April can use his internet, even offered the use of his laptop. She's acted like he is creepy then called him names after she dropped her laptop - that's not fully explained either.

There is potential in here somewhere, but it really needs a lot of work.

RJ

Writer,

Part of the genre mentioned - Children. With the language used I'd hardly say this is for children! Anyway... This is very all over the place. I didn't get a really good feel for where I was because April seemed to be everywhere talking to everyone. Lots of typos too, but nothing a quick edit won't fix. And the reveal at the end just didn't save this for me, though it was kinda cute.

Steve

Like the phobia you chose... didn't see it mentioned in the logline though.

Love your title.

I had to go back and read the Woman standing by the door and the dialogue and Insert. Confusing the way it's written ... try to do something to make it understandable and flow. Anything that slows a reader down will turn them off a bit.

Pins ...Needles ... which is it.

Also try using something other than the character telling us her phobia.

I do love the way the person that helped her ended up dead because he had a phobia ... kinda a even though we are all different ..we are all the same theme running thru this.

I really like a lot of this but it needs and deserves some work. I like the ending. Not sure I love the internet going down and her contest thing deadline to throw this into action ...  I don't have any other suggestions.

Good job with this. I think this could be really good.

Fear of needles - good premise.

Quoted Text MAGIE (V.O.) Are you crazy!? The deadline is midnight. Your internet could fail.

Said no person ever. It's emblematic of the dialogue problems throughout. Often it is spoon feeding us plot points that are needed (the spoon feeding - not the plot points) and those make the dialogue seem unnatural.  

Overall, this just wasn't for me.  - Kudos for entering.

Hi Someone,
Enjoyed your story. Held my interest throughout.

But, I was more impressed with how you conveyed April's frustration of not being able to submit her novel over her fear of needles/pins.  Her frustration was conveyed stronger than her fear, for me.

I really didn't buy that her phobia would kick-in over a hair pin; a syringe yes, a hair pin, no.  But okay.

Have no idea what a JUMP CUT is, but if it works,  Great.

Pg 2  Nononono?  At first I thought you stole this from Robin William's Mork from Ork.  (You're too young so that wasn't fair) but No, No, No, No , I think.

I normally love Drunken Old Men.  pg. 4  Not sure why you needed this one?  And the INSERT SHOT: Different bed, different man, same. . . .position??  Father? Grandfather?  Again, Necessary?

So I'm digging April, Maggie, Bloodshot (strong characters) and then April says, "I've got Belonephobia"
Nononono.  I wish she hadn't said that. You've demonstrated imagination and creativity so far, why not here? Does she really need to say it?

Pg. 7                                     PEDRO
                           Ok. done.  Scan for WiFi. I named it
                            Apotenmno.
Really peaked my interest.  Apotenmno.  A clue?  Was this going to lead to something or somewhere?  Yes, yes, yes!!!  Nicely done!

Pedro's door slam, laptop breaking was a bit too easy, I felt. (April's reaction: frustration not fear).

Not sure we needed the ANGRY MOTEL ATTENDANT.  Didn't add anything. (again, frustration not fear)
Pg. 11  An "injection" ready to be used?  Nah, this should be " a syringe".

Pg  12.   Jeez, I forgot April was an amputee.  Pedro didn't that's for sure.  He's a hero.  Palma was the answer man.

Conveniently, contrived ending but you wrapped it up.

Well Done.

JJ





                                      

Hi, writer.

Motel. She wants to submit something to a contest. - I like the setting.
But her having a phobia - don't know how it plays out at all. You should get rid of it completely.

Don't think you can call a character Bloodshot only because you mentioned her bloodshot eyes in the description. You could introduce her as BLOODSHOT though.

So, ultimately this one is about Pedro for me. Because he had a phobia and he helped her despite his phobia and died of it.
He mentions his allergy - how that plays out? You could easily omit it.

Magie could talk very little and still be heard. We don't need her as much. The most important thing she said was to use the Bloodshot's needle.

Thanks for entering.

Who was the Woman telling to take an injection?  It came across as if it were April which didn't make sense.  A very jarring opening.  

‘He hands her the key and she opens the door for him. She picks up her laptop. As she walks by the Drunkard’s room, she finds that the door is still open and he’s sprawled on the bed over the comforter with his shoes still on.’

How did he get in the room and sprawl on the bed so fast?  There’s a passing of time between April opening the door and then walking by the Drunkard’s room and seeing him on the bed.  The timeline doesn’t make sense as written - lot’s of jumping around with very little explanation.  

Is it Pedro’s fault there’s no internet?  That she dropped her laptop?  That she waited to the last minute to rush in her submission?  Hard to feel any sympathy for April which makes it hard to invest in her plight.

Not for me I’m sorry to say.  Dialogue needs to feel more natural.  The plot needs to be underpinned by a degree of logic, not forced into place for convenience.  The idea of a character desperately trying to find internet in a seedy motel isn’t bad - maybe that’s the one to come back too without the phobia.

I think this has a lot of potential but not necessarily as a serious thriller. You're throwing a lot of obstacles and ticking clock stuff at her right away, which is good instincts, but the execution isn't quite there. The obstacles felt forced and unrealistic.

MAGIE (V.O.)
Are you crazy!? The deadline is
midnight. Your internet could fail.

That line in particular needs work. There's no way she would assume that could happen.

I did like how you thrust her out on this journey meeting all these different, quirky characters. Maybe this would work better as more of a quirky comedy. I'm pretty sure you were going for moments of levity with the deodorant thing and some of the other dialogue. But then other parts were very serious. I'd try to find a more consistent tone.

I really like the idea of someone who is afraid of needles having to reset her computer. I certainly would not have imagined the story would about someone with that specific phobia would be about that. Well done.

I liked the variety of colourful characters at the motel, but I found once we hit a certain point in the story it gets quite muddled. I really think the concept of someone so focused on her own phobia completely overlooks someone else's even worse phobia is great, but it seems like you could lose the back and forth with her and Pedro and maybe make a specific scene that's much more focused.

Still, this would make a very entertaining short for sure!

Hey writer,

So, there's a host of typos in there that are hampering your work, take the time to iron them out before you submit. The cast, and their interactions and movements within the piece, are a bit odd. One minute someone conveniently pops up, only to run away and never be seen again, then another, just didn't sit right. Kinda like script whackamole.

The dialogue is a bit on the nose in parts, need to fix that up and give it a natural flow.

BUT the phobia is there, and you do clearly know how to write. It's never gonna win the challenge, but there's something to work on here. Practice away and come back swinging next time around.

Cam