Help by Anonymous 12 - Adult, Short, Drama, Black Comedy - {no logline} - pdf, format

Agoraphobia - Fear of being outside your comfort zone

No logline? :( Maybe writer forgot ...

No FADE IN at the beginning...

In your first action line, I was trying to imagine a camera floating from the sky down. If you are going to add directions in the script make it clear. When a reader reads a screenplay, he/she is trying to visualize this story as if it were on film... if you were filming this yourself... it's fine to put things like that in however you want but for the sake of a spec... readers will not like this type thing.

Need to cap characters as they are intro'd into the story.

No need to have two EXT Smile Sanc slugs if you are remaining exterior for both shots.

This story drags out over time days and days... I don't like that stuff in a slug either.

Half way through the story and I do not know who the main character is or maybe it's an ensemble.

Lotta typos and misspelled words... (to be expected in a one week challenge I guess)

And then they dunk the kid's head in a poop toilet? Really?

I'm sorry ... this one is not for me.  

Things you're going to get hounded for ALWAYS: no logline, no title page and no FADE IN.

Why the two same sluglines straight after each other? At this point we are following the car - there's no need for the second slug.

The same car stops at the entry way. An older fatherly type
gentleman gets out and runs around the front of the car to
the back.
He opens the back door and MIKE steps out.
They exchange looks, Mike very pensive and worried, Mike’s
dad warm assuring. They hug. He gets in and drives of.

should be something like:

The car stops at the entrance. DAD, 70's, gets out and opens the back door for MIKE, 30's, pensive and worried. Mike gets out and gives his dad a hug.

Dad gives Mike a reassuring smiles. He gets back in the car and drives away.

^ Not exactly that, but of the like. (I'm guessing on the ages because there was nothing to go by)

She is tiny but well beyond her physicality at least in her opinion - opinions are unfilmables. Think about how she would present herself and put that into description, ie; She walks with pride, for herself but no one else OR she strides around like she has a stick up her backside - I know that's not what the Headmistress is doing in this, but you get the point - it's how she physically portrays herself.

At the bottom of page 1 -'I'm getting confused with the interactions of Mike, Jeff and so on.

Lots of grammatical issues in this - needs a definite going over.

The man on page 4 need an intro.

This story seems very rushed and unpleasant. I was going to stop at headmistress eating poop, but continued on and kinda wish I hadn't.

This wasn't for me, sorry.

RJ

Struggling with this one right off the bat.  No logline is never a good sign.  

Not knowing how old Mike and the other kids are really throws the dynamic here.  Please give us an indication of age for your characters.

Feels very much like a new writer - and a rush to get something in.  Without reading the other comments I know you’ll be taking a beating over this one.  It’s easily said, but the first thing to do is work on the writing.  Even if the story was compelling the surface clutter would be too distracting to overlook.  Lack of capitalization, grammar and typos are going to kill even the best story.  

Whose story is this?  Probably better to have taken one phobia and concentrate on that rather than multiple.  In terms of logic and believability it’s far too scattered to work as intended.  Tonally, is this really darkly comic?  You have to think about how this would play over on the screen; for me this would come across as cruel and nonsensical - chocolate or not.

It's a miss for me, but more importantly - keep writing.

Phobia - Check. RIP - Check. I'm guessing you're new at this, so I'll not be too cruel as I think others may be.

- Right out of the gate you're writing direction (camera angles and fly-ins). Leave that for the Director.
- You need to give your characters an age. I had no idea that the passenger was a kid and still have no idea what ages.
- If this is a 'sanctuary' that parents are paying for, I don't think the Headmistress would call their phobias 'dumb shit'. Not a good business practice.
- Grammar, capitalization, and simple punctuation goes a long way.
- What the heck is a saloon car?
- So much more but that's it for me.

Practice, practice, practice! Kudos for entering.

Must've missed the logline section.

Quite a bit of spelling and and punctuation errors all through out this.

Due to the fact it was only 6 pages, it was easy to get through. You did well with the challenge, both phobias and RIP are in there, but the story however isn't as good.

Is the headmistress already aware of their fears or does she just know Michelle's and Sarah's? Speaking of the headmistress, she seems a bit harsh to the kids.


Good effort.

Hey writer,

Another newish writer, I'm guessing.

Bit all over the shop this one, and nothing seems to stick.

Look, there's obvious typos and formatting issues throughout (Jeff's gonna have a heart attack if he finds this one). You need to take the time to at the very least tackle the typos, then the formatting lapses are far more forgiveable. Learn the craft, polish your style and remove the typos, try the next OWC and get some other work up here in the meantime for some assessment.

The theme was met, but not a great take on it in my opinion.

Well done for entering,

Cam

A OWC is always going to have some typos but the sheer amount of basic errors made this a difficult read. The Headmistress from hell curing phobias with some extreme tough love is an interesting concept but the execution needs a lot of work.

-Mark

I had no idea Pasolini came back from the dead to enter the contest!

This would definitely make a nasty little short. There's not much to it, just a bunch of kids trying to get over their fears. But you are having fun with it.

I might push the exploitation elements a bit more. You already have one gross out in there, why not go for at least three?

Well, I could have a  field day here as there are mistakes in pretty much every single line. including formatting errors, typos, punctuation, Capitalization, grammar, etc.

Formatting and writing takes time to learn...correcting typos and the like is simple, and you obviously didn't care to do that even.

NO GRADE

Hi,

Any particular reason there is no logline?

I know it’s not a war winner, but I do personally like to see a title page.

No need to direct the camera, the cinematographer will shoot it the way he wants.

You need to introduce your characters in all caps. How old is older? It's all relative.

Ages and descriptions of all your characters or at least the main ones would help to put things into purspective

Quoted Text The Headmistress of smile. She is tiny but well beyond her physicality at least in her opinion.

A few issues here. We can’t possibly know it’s the headmistress. Next sentence doesn’t make sense but I can tell you that an opinion in an action block would be unfilmable.

Quoted Text ALL hi Mike

Need a comma when directly addressing someone in dialogue. Hi, Mike. The are also quite a few sentences that don’t start with a capital letters and there is missing punctuation. Sorry, but beginner or not this is lazy writing.

You have too many wrylies in my opinion. Also some of what you have put in them would be better suited in an action block.

Quoted Text THE HEADMISTRESS your worthless kid I’m the one with all the power.

Just a random example but in one sentence you haven’t capitalised the first word, the grammar is incorrect and you are missing punctuation. All these issues, or at least two of them would have been picked up by Grammarly, it’s a free download and I highly recommend it for people with poor grammar.

This really does have way too many issues to point out.

Not for me, sorry.

All the best.

Sorry - was so distracted by the basic errors in the first few pages it became unreadable for me.

You really need to build from square one. For example - Google how the write a scene heading - you'll get tons of advice and guidance. Google how to handle off screen dialogue, etc. etc.

For the grammar and spelling issues try Grammerly.

All the best

Anonymous # 12,

Number 12, Number 12, Number 12 ( the Beatles Revolution 9) comes to mind.

WOW!  WOW!  WOW!
I'm applauding, laughing, praising, crying, every possible emotion I can muster.

My suggestion is to read all the comments and suggestions above.   This was an incredibly refreshing read.

There's a creative, imaginative, and perhaps dark monster within.  If you  want readers to pay attention, you need to rein that monster in.  Release him, but at the same time, control him.  

Dance like no one's watching but listen to the music.

Regards

JJ

Hi,

Thanks for submitting. I hope you're reading the scripts too, it helps me a lot with my craft.
Lack of periods immediately caught my attention.
Same with quite a few names that were not capped - Jeff. Mike - always cap the names.
The sentences - the first word of the sentence should be capped. It's kind of important. I think it's more important than anything else. Capitalization and punctuation.

Also, "next day" "days later" - that shouldn't be in the scene headings. Scene headings are important - just say day or night instead.
We'll get that it's happening the next day.
Loose camera directions.
Tell us Mike's and Michelle's age when you first introduce them.

Headmistress of smile is a fun idea.

Thanks for entering.

To omit the logline and especially a title page is unmindful of common procedure.

The establishing shot reads too technical; better try to drag us into story without any non-story terms such as "camera, screen, or we".

Okay, there is a lot of untidy stuff here: missing or incorrect punctuation, disregarded capitalization rules, typos, numbers in dialogue, characters have no age reference, unclear descriptions (re f.i. bottom page 1) etc…

Contrary to the presentation, the content shows you actually can show a moving picture leading from A to Z with some structure and a clear punchline fitting your chosen genre.  

Some parts "felt" a bit too primitive as played out, for my taste. I think it must be funnier if you want to go that route.

Still, you got some potential. Try to not attract so much attention with disregarding the formatting of screenplays. You massively lose trust when ignoring a tidy way of presentation that could be so easily be fixed btw. As is, the reader then will automatically think about you, your writer's personality, instead of thinking about your plot, action, characters…

Again story-wise it's solid. Get the rest done soon.

Help is a perfect title, so much so that it needs a title page and a logline.

Right away I get a gray sky with clouds and a ton of camera direction. Take that opening narrative, remove about, oh let's say a little more than half of it and open the scene with the car going into the compound/Smile Sanctuary.  In losing it, you actually lose nothing.

Quoted Text The Headmistress of smile. She is tiny but well beyond her physicality at least in her opinion.

Awkward. But you mention that she's OS so how can we see her anyway? You also didn't CAP Headmistress before she speaks or after when we supposedly see her appearance.

How old are the kids? The Headmistress?

Kids staring at each other, looking around, looking at each other, look here, look there, don't knowwhat to do, look again, sizes up the headmistress, look here, look there. All "the next day" What they did the day before is anyone's guess. More looking around, perhaps? Oh, what time of day is The Next Day, by the way?


Lack of punctuation and lower case beginnings of sentences both spoken and non-spoken becomes real distracting, real fast. Mike has a fear f time. I do too. Wasting it.

Another kid has the fear of the color black.
Another the fear of food (a result of anorexia)
another making choices (what?)

INT. ROOM 1. DAYS LATER

I stand corrected. Mike's fear of time is legit.  I'd be scared too  ::) i How many days are we talking? Two? Three? Ten? Twenty-one? Is it DAY or NIGHT?

Who is afraid of the mirror?
NO who is afraid of the commode?

That's where I stop.
But I'll hand it to you. That last phobia would be true horrors indeed.
::)

I hope you get better with your writing.