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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Comedy Scripts / Prophets
Posted by: Don, October 29th, 2017, 2:06pm
Prophets by Chad Huggins - Comedy, Adventure, Caper - Death, the leader of The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, is bored and figures it's as good as time as any to bring on Armageddon. 96 pages
contest: 2010 Action On Film Festival Finalist/Writebros Software Excellence in Comedy, 2010 StoryPros International Screenplay Semi-Finalist, 2011 Hollywood Screenplay Contest Finalist, 2013 ScreenCraft Comedy Script Contest Semi-Finalist, 2013 The Happy Writers Contest Quarter Finalist, 2013 New York Screenplay Contest Finalist - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: JakeJon, November 4th, 2017, 9:13am; Reply: 1
Hi Don,
My weekend read. Not happening.
Pages 4 - 10 missing.
JJ
Posted by: eldave1, November 4th, 2017, 7:55pm; Reply: 2
Hi Don, My weekend read. Not happening. Pages 4 - 10 missing.
JJ
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Yes - there is a mystery here -
Posted by: ChadH, November 12th, 2017, 6:14pm; Reply: 3
Don was able to correct the upload error (thanks again Don), so the full script with all of the pages is available to read. I wrote this script, so open to any and all feedback. Thanks
Posted by: eldave1, November 13th, 2017, 12:00pm; Reply: 4
A real nit: but
Quoted Text EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT |
Since you are using a line anyway - why not at least tell us a little more: e.g.,
EXT. MIDDLE OF PACIFIC OCEAN - NIGHT
or whatever is correct based on where we are.
Quoted Text The SOUND of HELICOPTERS hovering overhead permeates the darkness. |
Another nit - but wouldn't their "lights" - rather than sound permeate the darkness. I assume they are not flying dark.
Quoted Text RADIO #2 (V.O.) If you do, notify immediately and deliver to Coast Guard. He’s the one who ran the ship aground.
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Way too on the nose - intro that plot point more naturally as the story unfolds.
I didn't buy any of the dining hall scene - that just doesn't and wouldn't happen. It's a luxury cruise ship with attendants, guards and the like - they are not going to let a bunch of sailors run rough shod over their passengers. The entire scene was pretty unrealistic and I don't think needed. You can show them starving/in need of food - quickly eating it at their tables without making them basically pirates.
Quoted Text The sailor’s cell phone rings. |
Cell phones don't work in out at the ocean
Now onto the lab scene on page 3 and am afraid I am out. Entirely implausible. A researcher can't sneeze through his face shield - a man pushing a cart would never be let into a room like that, etc. etc. It was an entirely unbelievable scenario.
I think you need to spend some time examining the logic of your plot points - they had me leaving the story very early - maybe true of others as well
All the best - good luck
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