Caution Wet Floor by Oscar Moreno - Short, Comedy - A shy young man recurs to desperate and dangerous measures to get the attention of the girl of his dreams. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Oscar,

Congratulations on finishing your screenplay.

A few observations and suggestions:

Page 1. You have a scene heading/slugline indicating we are inside but you have Kevin stands outside. That was probably just a typo but then you have to address the next scene when you bring us outside if we are indeed already outside unless we are actually inside.

I wouldn't use crestfallen. I'd use sad or disappointed. I feel like it flows better and you don't have to google sad or disappointed. That's just my opinion.
Example:
Page 3.

Overall I get where you were going with this story and what you were trying to do with it. I think some dialogue could help out the story.

I hope some of this helps.

Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.

Hey Marty, thanks for the feedback!

Oscar,

You are more than welcome. Keep writing.

All the best,
Marty

Recurs is the wrong word choice. You mean 'resorts'.

Oscar:

For me, BOLD and underlined slugs are a bit much - I would just go with the bold. I know - just a style choice.

I think in the opening, Keven should be turning a corner into the wet floor hallway rather than already walking in it. i.e., would better explain why he slipped all of a sudden.

I would get rid of real character names for all the characters other than Keven and Jenna - they are not really needed. Just label them like you did SKATEBOARDER.

The story itself is a nice one - I liked the twist and the irony. The wedding ring thing seemed a little forced in that as careful as Keven studied her, it's odd that he would have never noticed it before. Now if Jenna turned out to be a lesbian (i.e., her girlfriend comforts her at the end) that would be a little more surprising.

Nice job - enjoyable read

Dustin - You're right, thanks! Sorry, English is my second language and these mistakes pop in every now and then.

eldave1 - Thanks for reading and your feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm now seriously considering that little change for the end, it's a great suggestion!

Quoted from OscarM Dustin - You're right, thanks! Sorry, English is my second language and these mistakes pop in every now and then. eldave1 - Thanks for reading and your feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm now seriously considering that little change for the end, it's a great suggestion!

No problem - glad to be of help

Hi Oscar,

It was okay, but I think you can improve this.

As Marty mentioned, you describe Kevin as being outside when the slug mentions the scene is interior. There is also a second mistake, you have two successive slugs which are identical (even if the second scene is indeed exterior, the third scene is also an exterior so either the slug is unecessary or put (later) at the end of the slug).

I thought the formatting for your script was good, but started falling apart towards the end, especially page. 4:

“He PICTURES HIMSELF as the MAN; slipping, falling and Jenna
tending to him. Then instead of walking away, he talks with
her and they walk away together.”

This is formatted wrong, this is actually a whole scene. I would advise you write it like a regular scene and then put “END OF DREAM SEQUENCE” at the end of it.

Kevin’s POV also needs to be described as a shot, e.g:

INSERT - KEVIN’S P.O.V.

(Action line/s).

The same with the “Push in” of the wedding ring at the end too.

And I agree with Eldave1, Jenna being a lesbian is a better twist.

Thanks for reading and for your feedback, 24!