Don't Stop by Marty - Short, Horror, Thriller - A POV story about survival and death. 8 Pages. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The POV is an interesting approach. Not sure I would do it that way but it sure as heck is different.

At the end, I thought maybe the being was an animal - like a deer being stalked and that was the twist - then I remember back to all the physical descriptions (e.g., blood on the wrist) and realized it ("you" had to be human.

The writing is interesting. A unique cadence to it. Some will jam you on the use of asides - I am generally a fan of them as long as they enhance tone and I thought that they did here.

I am not at all sure about the story itself. It does not strike me as a complete one. I don't know the cause of the pursuit nor the reason that the being/person was killed at the end nor the significance of the fire.  This struck me more as a writing exercise then story telling. If it is the former - it is interesting work. If it is the latter - something's missing. It just seems to be a small part of something bigger.

Hope that all made sense.

Dave,

Thanks again for the read and the feedback. Always appreciated.

I thought it would be neat to write something in a way that brings the reader into the story. To make the reader more invested.

My premise for the story was to have an incident occur during a zombie outbreak. So the POV would be the reader making the slow change from a human to an infected zombie.

I think I may have missed on this one if I need to explain it. It may just confuse people. Which means, I may have written it poorly.

Thanks again.

All the best,
Marty

Quoted from Marty Dave, Thanks again for the read and the feedback. Always appreciated. I thought it would be neat to write something in a way that brings the reader into the story. To make the reader more invested. My premise for the story was to have an incident occur during a zombie outbreak. So the POV would be the reader making the slow change from a human to an infected zombie. I think I may have missed on this one if I need to explain it. It may just confuse people. Which means, I may have written it poorly. Thanks again. All the best, Marty

Maybe it's just my POV - not a Zombie flick watcher so may be over my head - see if other peeps get it

Dave,

I appreciate the feedback regardless. I'll sit tight and see what others think of it. Fingers crossed.

All the best,
Marty

I found it a difficult read and struggled to put myself in the shoes of this character. I knew what this was about going in, but if I didn't then I would never have guessed. A story like this would be best suited as a novel or short story, IMO... that way you could really get to what's going on in the character's mind. I also believe it is a mistake writing from the 1st person viewpoint in this case.

Overall, I found what was happening confusing.

Dustin,

Thank you very much the read and the great feedback and suggestions. I truly appreciate it.

Confusing the reader was a major fear of mine. My apologies in doing so.

All the best,
Marty

Marty,

At the end of the day, the story was entertaining. Most writers visit this website to learn, but also, be entertained.

Useless Fact: The TV series MASH, did a whole episode filmed POV. It was very interesting.      

DanielW,

Thank you for the read and your generous words. It's truly appreciated.

I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

I'll have to check that MASH episode out. I also heard there was a movie called Hardcore Henry that was shot in POV.
I thought it would be a cool idea for a story to be told in a POV because there aren't many.
I was just hoping it worked on paper as well as it did in my head.

Again, thank you.

All the best,
Marty

I think the first person POV could work. A zombie can't talk or really interact with anything/anyone beyond running around looking for prey. This is probably the only way to go without doing VO of the characters thoughts like in Warm Bodies.

If it wasn't POV, it would just be us watching a random zombie running and getting shot. To me, that's the real problem though. We don't know our character or the circumstances surrounding any of this.

I wonder if you could start with him running through his own house... we're seeing remnants of his life... signs of a struggle... the news blaring... before he rushes outside and the chase starts. Maybe the family he runs into is his own wife and daughter who struggle with killing him.

There I go with my random ideas again...

As for the writing, I think you went a little overboard with the asides/unfilmables. You've got a unique style and that's a good thing. Not trying to mess with your style. It's just a matter of putting it all together. In this case, I thought you went too far. There'd be gaps of like four or five lines where nothing visual is happening.

Good job trying something a bit different though.

MarkItZero,

Thank you for the read and the great feedback. I truly appreciate it.

First, I do tend to go overboard with the "talking to the reader" aspect. I think I'm getting better at it. Or at least I'm working on it and thinking about it more. It's probably the product of reading too many Shane Black scripts.  

Thank you for thinking I have a unique style.
I just want to provide an easy and enjoyable read for the reader. Hopefully I'll get much better at that goal. I think the more I write the better it will get.

As for the story,
My goal I was trying to get across, which I probably didn't do to well at, was to tell a story of an infected human that is changing from a human to a zombie. I tried to write it in a way to have the reader be the centerpiece or the focal point of the story. To make you more invested in the outcome.

My original premise was to make a feature length screenplay with a group of young men and woman hiking a mountain and getting stuck there for the night because their vehicle would not start. This way they are in the outside world while the outbreak occurs. Then while sleeping in their tents, a hoard of zombies come and attack. The gunshots would come from the group of hikers until there is only one left to run for their life through the mountain and woods. That is when I got the idea that it would be cool to see a POV story about someone running through the woods, turning into a zombie, getting shot, etc.

I tend to think too much about what looks cool instead of what makes sense. I'm working on that.

Your suggestion about starting somewhere to show the persons life before all of this is a great one and not too far off from my original premise.

Again, thank you for taking the time to give me some more food for thought. I'm thankful for it.

All the best,
Marty