Nowhere to Hyde by John Staats - Short, Thriller - When a heinous act is witnessed in a post-apocalyptic world, it raises the question of what acts are morally acceptable for survival? 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, mate - gave it a read. No real issues with the writing - solid and vivid. That being said, I didn't quite get the story. It seemed like it should be part of something else.

Yeah, I adapted this from a short story written 100+ years ago that took place in feudal Japan. Wrote it on a whim to practice and to see where it might go. No saline in the original:)

Thanks for taking the time to read. I'm happy it reads solid.
John

My pleasure

I understand the point/message of the story, but I don't understand the character's motivation for changing. Why take the old lady's clothes and her underwear when there are clothes everywhere being worn by the dead? So the need for survival angle doesn't work in this respect. There isn't any need for those clothes, whereas the old woman clearly had a need for the implants. Perhaps the original Japanese story is being lost a little in translation.

John,

Not much to pick at structurally, grammatically or typo wise.

I felt it was a good example of telling a very visual story.

The dialogue was good.

It was an easy read. It flowed nicely.

On a side note.
Adapting from a hundred year old piece of Japan's literature and trying to make it fit in today's world must have been daunting.

Good work.

All the best,
Marty

Dustin - I think taking the old hags clothing is more acting out of a tit-for-tat personal violation. Kind of a 'how do you like that' scenario. Perhaps having her take the basket of implants first and the clothing as an after thought? I'll work on that. Thanks for taking the time for a read.

Marty - Thanks for the read and comments. It wasn't too difficult to adapt. The history of the feudal Japan era isn't much of a stretch from contemporary thoughts/images of a post-apocalyptic world. It was pretty gruesome.

Not sure where this short may lead.

Regards,
John

Quoted from JEStaats Dustin - I think taking the old hags clothing is more acting out of a tit-for-tat personal violation. Kind of a 'how do you like that' scenario. Perhaps having her take the basket of implants first and the clothing as an after thought? I'll work on that. Thanks for taking the time for a read.

I did consider that but how tit for tat is it if there are plenty of clothes around anyway? The old woman is hardly going to be affected by it. I can't see what the old woman was doing wrong. She's only taking implants.

I think 100 years ago the Japanese may have believed taking from the dead was a bad thing. But in modern society and with everybody lying where they fell, I don't see what's wrong with taking the implants if it helps somebody survive.

The little girl is the bad guy here. She strips an old lady naked for no other reason that to see her naked it seems to me. She even takes her underwear. Taking from the dead, who don't need it, doesn't have as many ethical issues attached (or it shouldn't to anybody normal) as taking from somebody that is alive and needs what you're taking.

I liked a lot of the visuals, the world building, all that stuff. But the confrontation didn't resonate. Her attitude seemed out of place. She's surviving in a wasteland piled high with corpses yet she's mortified over accidentally poking one. It's suggested she's afraid of corpses later on but she touches one on the shoulder at the beginning.

Is this supposed to be her first foray out in the post apocalyptic world?

Seems like a scene to a larger piece.

John,

I’m a sucker for post-apocalyptic…

You set the scene and the dialogue plays well with the characters, but story-wise I’m not sure what to take from it.  In the end, neither characters’ choices have a lasting impact.  The Woman steals the Hag’s clothes - for what reason or need isn’t clear - and slips away.  The Hag just gets back to business.

I kind of liked the Hag’s final line but I don’t know that the Woman’s ability to survive without the clothing was ever in doubt.  What’s the immediate threat here?  The ‘virus/plague’?  The need for food, warmth, shelter?  Escape from something?

The desecration of a corpse works well as the focus.  I’m not as sure that taking a breast implant poses enough of a moral question given the context.  It’s an odd angle - unexpected but I could be convinced to the practicality of collecting saline.    

Why is the clothing important?  It’s different to the usual struggle for food/resources, but I didn’t quite understand why she took the Hag’s clothing when she’s clothed herself.  There’s also bodies everywhere and given the set-up I’d presume there’s plenty of spare clothing around too.  Is it tied to something deeper?

The writing and dialogue were enough to keep me invested but for me the story could do with a stronger payoff.

Steve

James & Steven - Thanks for having a read and your comments.

Yes, it seems like this should be part of, or maybe the beginning of something bigger. It'll have to be on the back-burner for now but I've an idea for going forward with this.

I've also an easy fix for the clothing bit. The bodies have already been stripped. Duh, I should've thought of that before. The biggest point for her taking the clothing wasn't so much for her, it was to spite and violate the Hag. It works in my head but maybe doesn't across as such. I'll work on that. Perhaps the Hag sees her toss them in a dumpsters as she runs away with the basket of saline.

This still needs a lot of work - Thanks everybody for your comments.
~John

Hi John,

You set a great scene. Really put a nice visual in my mind and gave me a good feel for it.

I felt all the work you put in was a little let down by the simplicity of the story. I wanted something bigger.

Another issue I had was the Hag's dialogue. I imagine she’s been hardened by this new world but for me it still felt off for an eighty year old.

I think if you could find a way to give their encounter more punch this could be a really great piece.

All the best.

Hi Warren -

Thanks for the read and comments. I'm glad you resurrected this short as I haven't returned to it since November and this may give me that nudge to make some much needed revisions.

I've some ideas to address your comments and previous comments as well. Stay tuned....

John

Great, I look forward to seeing what you do with it.

Hi John,
Just read your short and enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.
I have a few thoughts I'll share in case they're useful...
1] I feel like the story would resonate more if we knew some sort of connection between the woman and the corpses, other than that they're humans. Her disgust at the desecration would be more powerful if she had a link to the dead.
2] Will readers know what a "tread joint" is? Is there a simpler way to say this?
3] Since the character is called "Woman" you need to capitalize that every time. All caps for first mention and then cap just the first letter after that.
4] Sound and visual cues like "lightning flash" and "creaks" should be all caps.
5] I feel like we might connect more with the woman if you gave her a name.
6] Some of the language, like "Ouch" and "Oh, my" feels out of place in this post-apocalyptic landscape. They've been through a lot. They deserve to let off a "Shit!" here and there.
Nice work. I look forward to seeing more.
Check out my short "The Bus Ride" if you're interested.
Cheers,
Mitchell

Hi Mitchell,

Thanks for the read and the comments. All good and valid points/suggestions. I've had a habit recently of writing more episodic shorts that should be part of something bigger and this one is no exception. Like I told the others, I've some thoughts on what to do with this but have needed to back burner this until I finish some other projects.

I'll check out The Bus Ride and get back to you,
John

I had been meaning to revisit this for quite some time. With our current worldwide days of strange, there's no time like the present.

Earlier comments centered on it being part of something larger. Well...I believe we now know what that larger bit might be.

I've re-written this into comic format and sent it to one of my favorite artists. Let's see what he can do since I gave him no boundaries!