The Message by Marty - Short, Drama, Action - The unraveling of a relationship told during an Iraqi War battle. 9 Pages. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Gave it a read:

Quoted Text OVER BLACK: An answering machine clicks over. MACHINE (V.O) You have one new message. The soft, somber voice of a woman:

Real nitty - but if it is over black, we can't see that it is an answering machine and if it is CLICKING - it has to be a real old one. I would go with something like:

VOICE MAIL VOICE (V.O)
You have one new message. To hear your message press four.

A moment passes.

VOICE MAIL VOICE (V.O)
First new message.

SHAY (V.O)
(somber, female)
Hi, Daniel. It’s Shay. I bet you’d
never have thought you’d hear my
voice again huh?

An awkward laugh.

BANG.

Quoted Text FADE IN: A BULLET Slices through the air at tremendous speed.

Okay - we are still over black - so where is the air that the bullet is going through. I would move your subsequent slug:

Quoted Text EXT. DESERT - FALLUJAH, IRAQ - DAY

Up here.

Quoted Text Daniel’s heart sinks.

We can't see this - give us a better visual here.

Quoted Text SHAY (V.O) (CONT’D) She’s yours, Daniel. Charlotte’s your daughter. . The rebel, full of hatred, reigns blow after blow upon Daniel. Leaving Daniel bloodied and dazed. SHAY (V.O) (CONT’D) Ron and I just got the results back last night. It’s conclusive. The rebel takes out his knife. Daniel pleads for his life. DANIEL No. Enough. Please stop.

I would flip the dialogue here -  you give away the ooomph line too early. Something like:

The rebel, full of hatred, reigns blow after blow upon
Daniel. Leaving Daniel bloodied and dazed.

SHAY (V.O) (CONT’D)
Ron and I just got the results back
last night.
(beat)
She’s yours, Daniel. Charlotte’s
your daughter.

Also:

Quoted Text The rebel takes out his knife. Daniel pleads for his life. DANIEL No. Enough. Please stop.

Really don't think the above is realistic dialogue wise. I would just write they continue to struggle.

Quoted Text The SARGENT steps forward, extending his hand to Daniel. SARGENT Private Daniel Burns? DANIEL Yes, Sir. Daniel accepts and the Sargent pulls Daniel up to his feet. SARGENT Way to hang in there, son. Way to battle. DANIEL Thank you, Sir. SARGENT Load up. We’re taking you home.

Don't think you need any of the above - it is implied that they are rescuing him and taking him home.  Have him on a marine plane or something looking out at the horizon - heading home.

I got confused by where we were time wise - You open with an answering machine - then we have Daniel present day in Iraq while envisioning a FLASHBACK to home.  So - when was the phone call time wise in all of this?? It's a bit confusing.

Still think you demonstrate a lot of writing chops - but this one needs a little more clarity. I do like the theme - a lot.

Dave,

Once again, thank you for the feedback, suggestions, pointers, etc. I appreciated it greatly.

You've brought up and made some valid points for me to consider for this story and all of my future ones.
Thank you for that.

The answering machine is a little dated. If I want to keep it, I should make the war an earlier time-frame. Your suggestion of using a voice mail voice could help fix that.

I agree and see what you mean now about the confusion regarding still being over black when the bullet it fire and sailing through the air. I think the slugline should take place before that action.

In regards to:
Daniel’s heart sinks.
-I can't argue that. Lazy writing on my part. I'm working on that.

I really like you're suggestion of,
SHAY (V.O)
Ron and I just got the results back
last night.
(beat)
She’s yours, Daniel. Charlotte’s
your daughter.
-and I will probably be using that one.

As for,
The rebel takes out his knife.
Daniel pleads for his life.
DANIEL
No. Enough. Please stop.
-Should I keep the action I have written or do you suggestion something like,
The rebel takes out his knife and the two continue to struggle.

And for the final scene,
Have him on a marine plane or something looking out at the horizon - heading home.
-I like that as well. It is a great suggestion and makes for a nice cinematic close to the story.

As for the time-line for the message being played out with conjunction of the story taking place,
-I was hoping that the messaging playing could be utilized during the entire story. Probably a lame, lazy writing excuse. Okay, maybe definitely a lazy writing excuse.
-In my mind, which I probably didn't get across correctly was,
Daniel and Shay breakup.
Daniel joins the military.
Time passes.
Daniel gets the message from Shay.
Daniel is caught in this battle.
Daniel goes home to his daughter.
-However, I can see how confusing that is to a reader.
I can always relate to the Stephen King quote, "The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out."
-I think working through it will make me become a better writer.

And thank you for liking the theme and this,
Still think you demonstrate a lot of writing chops.
-It shows me that I might be at least on the right track.

I appreciate the constructive criticism and making me look at the big picture from outside of just my mind.
I'm learning and hopefully I can continue to get better.

All of the best,
Marty

Quoted Text As for, The rebel takes out his knife. Daniel pleads for his life. DANIEL No. Enough. Please stop. -Should I keep the action I have written or do you suggestion something like, The rebel takes out his knife and the two continue to struggle.

The latter - dialogue is not needed here as there probably is little chance the assailant speaks English.

Quoted Text As for the time-line for the message being played out with conjunction of the story taking place, -I was hoping that the messaging playing could be utilized during the entire story. Probably a lame, lazy writing excuse. Okay, maybe definitely a lazy writing excuse. -In my mind, which I probably didn't get across correctly was, Daniel and Shay breakup. Daniel joins the military. Time passes. Daniel gets the message from Shay. Daniel is caught in this battle. Daniel goes home to his daughter. -However, I can see how confusing that is to a reader.

I actually like the thread of the story - just need to work on the clarity of the events as they take place - a toughie I know - but keep the basic thread.

Dave,

The latter - dialogue is not needed here as there probably is little chance the assailant speaks English.
-That makes sense. Thank you.

I actually like the thread of the story - just need to work on the clarity of the events as they take place - a toughie I know - but keep the basic thread.
-That sounds good. I will try to rework the events and message in a way to make more sense but without taking away from the theme of the story.
It will be tough but I want to be a writer. So it's all a part of the game.

Again, thank you.

All the best,
Marty

In regards to the 'character's heart sinks'. I think this kind of tell is OK. It saves trying to describe what an actor's face looks like when their heart sinks. An actor will know how to act this out, but a writer can't exactly write down facial descriptions and expect the reader to get what they mean.

Marty,

As mentioned - I like the thread of this story.

Dustin,

Thank you for the feedback. It is always appreciated.

Thank you for the pointer regarding 'Daniel's heart sinks'.
I have seen similar written in screenplays I have read so I figured I could get away with it. Granted the ones I'm referring to were from professionals. So maybe I don't get that pass.
I get where Dave is coming from with his suggestion. The show don't tell rule. It makes sense.

Take you again.

All the best,
Marty

DanielW,

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it.

Thank you for reiterating the fact that the thread works. I'll work hard on keeping that while trying to add a bit more clarity to the script.

All the best,
Marty

Some notes.

I like the juxtaposition of sniper and relationship break up.  Works for me.  

What bothered me about this one is the deus ex machina ending.  Our protag is saved by another unit.  This coincidence doesn't work for me.  I would prefer that he work out of the predicament on his own, but that's me.  Otherwise, a nice little oft-told tale.

Best
Richard

RichardR,

Thank you for the read and the feedback. I appreciate every bit of it.

I think I tend to think about and get excited about cinematic moments and images. I think my writing may reflex this. Which may or may not be a good thing. So when I had the rebel on top of Daniel, I thought in my mind how it would look neat if Daniel's life was out of his hands. Either this rebel would kill him or someone would save him. So the kill shot from the Marine unit was what I came up with. I guess in hindsight I could have had him stab the rebel in the neck or something.

I'm still learning. I'll get better. I hope. Your advice and opinions are greatly appreciated and truly helpful. So thank you for that.

All the best,
Marty