The Ghost In My Room by Eric Dickson - Horror - A single mother and her rebellious teen daughter move to a new home where they are tormented nightly by a crew of evil delinquents bent on offering the young girl to a blood thirsty incubus living in her bedroom mirror. 89 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice writing however it’s somewhat predictable

Even the big reveal with Greg at the motel and his involvement with hiring Scott?  And Greer actually being the real Scott's wife?  Or Scott hiring Teddy and crew to scare his new neighbors?  

All of this predictable?  Damn.  I tried hard to make this as unpredictable as possible.  I can see the obvious connection between Scott and daughter Arielle right away, but as for the rest, im surprised you found it predictable.  In five days, im supposed to get a yay or nay on this one going into production.  Ill be interested to see their notes.

Hey, Eric - read 20. Horror not really my thing but I enjoyed your writing.

IMO - there is a bit of a disconnect in Elsa. She is alarmed that her daughter got a ride - to the point of being overprotective. YET - she has no issue with undressing in front of an open window and inviting a virtual stranger (Scott) into her house.  Maybe this is explained later on - but it just struck me is really a schizo personality trait.  Would have made more sense to me if she were overly cautious.

Anyway - good luck with the production folks. For the most part I thought the writing was solid.

Hey, Jack

Seeing that this going into production. I’ll just give some quick thoughts on it.

For what's it's worth I didn’t see many of the reveals coming except that I knew Scott was clearly someone not to be trusted. Having revelations are a great start so I’m glad to see them in the story. However, I stopped reading at page 54. I started with the last ten pages just part of my reading process. At the midway point that was a lot of exposition Lanie was giving there I feel it was too much considering we just went through 54 pages of script where this could have been peppered in saving the biggest reveal for this moment.

My favorite scene up into I stopped reading was the introduction to Reena, Lanie and the guys, which is great a strong introduction into any main characters is writing goals. But Reena and Elsa were the main characters and they were completely passive if not directed by Scott who was it turns out the complete driving force in the story. I think your opponent massively overpowered your heroines because they drove must of the story when it’s suppose to be a punch-counter punch relationship at best. Ironically, it’s obvious in the construction of your logline...

Quoted Text A single mother and her rebellious teen daughter move to a new home where they are tormented nightly by a crew of evil delinquents bent on offering the young girl to a blood thirsty incubus living in her bedroom mirror. 89 pages - pdf, format

.. it’s written in “passive voice.

I think this stems from one main decision or indecision there’s no clear desire for Elsa/Reena within the first 30 pages that’ a third of the movie and I’m not sure what they want. I don’t know at moment will I know that they’ve won or lost. This too is present in your logline because they have no desire in it but to be attacked.
This is a typically pitfall of horror movies, so don’t get me wrong. You have plenty good here, again great introduction to Reena, Lanie Teddy and Skaz, multiple revelations to create plot, and powerful opponent (Greg hires Scott who hires Teddy that’s layers of opposition which is a show of strength because the hero must overcome that).

Any news about the production of the story or rewrites. Either way best of luck!

BLB

Nope.  This one isn't going into production.  More liars parading as producers.  What else is new?  

Characters and dialogue are tight. Interactions are believable. Conversations flow naturally.

But the cogs driving the story are rusted out by page eight. I'm bored. There's no conflict introduced until we see Elsa's teenage daughter. You need to hook me with the opening pages and a d-bag who can't keep his lawn clean flirting with a girl isn't working.

Come up with a clever hook that informs me what kind of film this is going to be, the premise, tone, world, characters without giving too much away, and throw that on the first page.

Quoted from TheReccher Characters and dialogue are tight. Interactions are believable. Conversations flow naturally. But the cogs driving the story are rusted out by page eight. I'm bored. There's no conflict introduced until we see Elsa's teenage daughter. You need to hook me with the opening pages and a d-bag who can't keep his lawn clean flirting with a girl isn't working. Come up with a clever hook that informs me what kind of film this is going to be, the premise, tone, world, characters without giving too much away, and throw that on the first page.

I haven't read 1 word of this script, but I can and will say that this advice is total BS.

Reccher...c'mon now.  Give some feedback, but let's not be redonkulous now.  Total BS feedback.

Screw this script.  It's five years old and dead in the water.