Edifying Porn by Maroun Rached - Short, Comedy - A young college student dates briefly a porn actress, only to be dumped by her soon after; in seeking to discover what went wrong, he ends up learning an important life lesson. 17 pages

Production: Roles: 2 main (men 20's), 3 supporting; Locations: Easy urban locations - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

So I read your script. Thanks for the privilege - totally appreciate that every script takes work and thought and care and craft.

I have to admit I was attracted to the thread because it's called "Edifying Porn" and had almost pointedly no replies. It's an interesting subject that everyone is publicly warned off. That's kind of a problem and a benefit of the topic you've chosen. It's a little bit taboo and it's more than a little bit interesting.

To start with that point, and it is the main one that sticks out to me... this is an unthinkingly patriarchal topic you're writing about here. OK, so porn exists, and mostly objectifies our view of women. Got it. That's what it does, because people (especially men) like playing with themselves looking at strangers (especially women). OK. I'm not saying we need to change the world every time we mention pornography. But when you bring up a topic in art, you are inherently critiquing that topic.

What's your comment on pornography in this script? I think it's this: "Wouldn't it be great if a guy could have a relationship with a real live porn star... cool, right? ... No, wait, she's just a gold digger and the guy should probably focus on learning some proper skills to make a life for himself."

I guess, to put it another way, my problem is that the lesson doesn't stretch the audience a whole lot. And perhaps the route of that is the lack of surprises. Especially - the girl is not a character, barely at all. She's just a predictable porn dolly. She doesn't surprise or engage the reader really. Maybe if she was a character rather than just a plot point, maybe there'd be more to digest. Just needs something more unexpected in there...

...On the other hand, it was a fun and easy read. Stayed with it and didn't get stuck once!

And... one last thing, I wasn't clear on the value of having everything filmed from Sean's camera or computer. (I especially thought it didn't need explaining that the camera was still working, on page 9.)

Hi there,
Thanks for this elaborate analysis! You're absolutely right: the script doesn't surprise much, and I'm not going very deep in the subject of pornography. I'm focusing more on the lesson the young protagonist learns: make a decent living first, then you can try to date a diva. Now that I think of it, this trophy girl doesn't even have to be a porn star for the story to make sense.
And for the filming indications, I just wanted to highlight to a potential producer that it can be shot on 4k; but I guess i don't really need to, any director will deduce that on his own... or not...
Anyway, thanks again for this valuable feedback!
Maroun.

Hey Maroun,

That's an interesting idea... what if she was some other kind of diva? Maybe it's just because I'm from the other side of the world from LA, but as soon as the porn thing is in there, it makes me think teen wankers - it becomes all about men's reaction to porn. Take that out and it's just a relatable guy trying to work out what actually matters.

Just a thought anyhow...

Best wishes!