One Last Sale by Daniel Park - Short, Drama - Cory makes one last drug sale with his brother to move out west with his family.  23 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Daniel,

A few observations, opinions and suggestions for you.

Montage:
I would either indicate the scenes using a simple hyphen or type end montage once it's over to offer clarity that the next scene where Cory is in the pizza shop is separate from the montage. I understood it. Most likely will but just to save yourself from the few.

Sluglines:
When you established for the first time that Cory is in his one bedroom appartment, I would put the primary location first and the secondary second.
In this case I would suggest using,
INT. APARTMENT, CORY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
- You have an exterior scene listed as an interior. Probably just a type but I'm another set of eyes and this is what feedback is all about.
INT. APARTMENT - MORNING - NEXT DAY
CORY goes running out of the apartment.
-Should be,
EXT. APARTMENT - MORNING
Cory runs out of the apartment.
-Next morning in the slugline isn't necessary.
-Cory runs out of the apartment is the correct tense and sounds better in this sense. In my opinion of course.

Capitalization of Characters:
You only need to do this when first introducing a character. Once you have done so, no need to continue to capitalize.

CUT TO:
Only use if necessary. A lot of your uses are not necessary. Especially when you write CONTINUOUS in your sluglines.
Example:
The reader will understand that we are going from outside of Xavier's trailer to inside.
No need for a cut to there.

I hope some of this is useful.

Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty

Hey Daniel, I read the first half of the script and liked it. The title ONE LAST SALE is amazing. I really felt for the main character. May be back to read the second half!

This one was a little strange to me. I felt for the kid in the beginning with the disrespectful customers and his monetary problems. I thought the Pierre villain was weird and although I'm glad the kid survived I was wondering about the horns and wolf. What did that mean? I figured his brother wouldn't survive although I was still a little sad at that scene. Overall I liked it.