Sense by Keith Devlin - Short, Horror - A bailiff enters the home of an apparently comatose debtor with a desire to exit his house with a levy on his goods. Soon his want shifts to simply exiting the the house at all. A supernatural horror that asks what it means to be alive. 10 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Kevin,

I liked the setting, i liked your descriptions, i could see the house clearly in my mind. Nice and creepy, plus your characters popped out for me too.  The dialogue seemed natural..
I think there could have been more to the story, it didnt jump out at me. I think there are too many unanswered questions. The old man had these powers but we dont know how..
What was the significant about the old man telling him about breathing etc, when the guy was blinded? I could just be missing something?
You need to put full stops at the end of dialogue and action.  Sluglines need to be shorter...i.e EXT. HOUSE - DAY.......no need to write  EXT. SIDE OF THE HOUSE. You can describe where he goes in the action.

Overall not bad, just need to tidy up formatting and grammar,  and work a little on the ending.

I enjoyed the story. However, it seems a bit overwritten. I recommend a rewrite and get rid of unnecessary words.

SCENE HEADING:  INT. HOUSE and the next Scene Heading is INT. HOUSE and again and again the same.  You can divide the HOUSE into, i.e.  LIVING ROOM, KITCHEN, ETC.  

Drop the CUT TOs also. They are old fashion and unnecessary.  WE SEEs also must go.

As I suggest - rewrite. Then rewrite again.  12 to 20 or more rewrites are very common.

You got a good story going.