Super Depressed by Kevin Machate - Short, Comedy, Series, Dark Comedy, SciFi, Superhero - A suicidal man discovers he has a talent worth living a little longer to explore. 23 pages

production: Available for production with permission only.

contest: Chandler International Film Festival - WINNER: Best Short Screenplay; Las Vegas Screenplay Contest - WINNER: Best Short Screenplay; Bare Bones International Film & Music Festival- 3rd Place; Southern California Screenplay Competition - Finalist (Top 10); Palm Street Films Screenplay Contest - Semi Finalist (Top 10) - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was supposed to be a 10 page short that turned into 22 pages and then realized it had potential to be a series. I have a lot more details that are not in this script that, should I decide to continue, would be used for future scripts. I think it's funny, but it's definitely not for kids.

Kevin - who am I to say since you have great success with this - but I didn't care for it.

The dialogue in many places, particularity the passages involving medics, doctors and cops was unnatural and stilted.

Everyone seems rather underwhelmed by Dave's healing ability and the end result is that he uses this to pick up a girl. Not a very rewarding ending. Just didn't care for the story I guess.

The "ing words". There are several places in the script where you write in present progressive. rather that in the present.

examples:

Quoted Text JOSH (35) looks haggard and is unshaven. He’s wearing an old Led Zeppelin t-shirt and boxer shorts while sitting at a fold-out card table in his filthy one-room apartment.

Reads more active as:

JOSH (35) haggard and unshaven, clad in an old
Led Zeppelin t-shirt and boxer shorts sits at a
fold-out card table in his filthy one-room apartment.

Example:

Quoted Text The Amtrak Express is speeding along the tracks at nearly 70 miles per hour.

Reads better as:

The Amtrak Express speeds along the tracks at nearly 70
miles per hour.

An issue throughout the script.

Anyway - sorry - the story wasn't for me. Like I said, amy be just me.

Thanks for the input. Everything is subjective. I have close friends that have disliked all of the films I've made, while those films play in international festivals and win awards. Ii's a weird combination of genres and like I said, turned into something that wasn't what was intended. Thanks again.

Quoted from KevinM Thanks for the input. Everything is subjective. I have close friends that have disliked all of the films I've made, while those films play in international festivals and win awards. Ii's a weird combination of genres and like I said, turned into something that wasn't what was intended. Thanks again.

You're welcome - all the best

Kevin

Interesting first page tonally, mixing humour with tragedy like that.

“YOUNG DAVE (10 1/2)”

- Ha, the specificity of his age tickled me.

“Josh driving with Julie as a passenger. Sudden flash as
another car plows into the passenger side.”

- I wonder could you include their ages here so we know how long it’s been since she died.

“*THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* sound. He stops banging his head on
the table, but the *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* continues.”

- I like this touch, clever. Does he just leave the gun on the table for Dave to see though?

DAVE
I keep telling you she lives in
Canada!

- This shouldn’t matter if she’s an internet girlfriend, right? ;)

JOSH
How did the shit softener work but
not that other stuff?

- Ha, nice! Loving the gallows humour. Harold and Maude would both be proud.

Cool fantasy/superhuman direction too. Curious to see what you’ll do with it...Note: Please don’t resort to a final (proportionally speaking) 10 minute battle scene like every other superhero film.

“As Josh is in his shower as blood washes down the drain past
his feet. It becomes clear that he’s talking to Dave who is
in the other room.”

- This is very clumsily written. How about:

“Josh showers, blood washes down the drain past his feet.”

We’ll be able to infer the rest once the conversation begins. No need to over explain.

DAVE
You better not try anything sexual.
I don’t want whatever it is you’ve
got.

- Why wouldn’t you? It’s a superpower!

“Dave turns the key but the car doesn’t start right away.”

- Well timed moment here to puncture any cool points the two might be trying to accumulate.

BALD JOE
Money. Gimme your money.

- Idiot. Not only is he taking on two people, didn’t he just witness the ineffectual-glass-bottle-to-the-back-of-the-head trick?

Why did he just stab Dave and run away? Wasn’t it meant to be a mugging? That scene needs some work I feel, doesn’t make a lot of sense as written. An easy fix though. You just need Dave to get stabbed in some way.

DAVE
(Feebly, Smiling)
It’s all good. Go find some
ComicCon babes.

- I feel sorry for poor Dave, a likeable guy, particularly how equanimous he’s being about getting stabbed and facing death. Very noble, but somewhat out of character, no?

“SUPER: Four hours later...”

- A pedantic note I know and I like the revelation that Josh can heal others also but would it have taken 4 hours for the doctors to reach the conclusion that there was no stab wound? Does transfusing a few units of blood take that long?

A sweet ending that was earned I think. This could’ve went a number of ways (such as the aforementioned ubiquitous crashy bashy denouement) but you showed restraint and gave the script some heart rather than going big.  

It does feel a little unfinished, unresolved, and that’s fine. It got me thinking actually, could Josh lose his power now that he has, possibly, found someone to replace Julie? Could this be hinted at to give some closure? It might work as a funny last scene where he tries to use his power, preferably in relation to Dave, and fails...but since he has Christine now it doesn’t matter so much. Something to consider anyway.

As a whole I enjoyed this, the superhero genre is fatigued beyond breaking point in my opinion but you gave it a breezy, enjoyable twist mainly through the rapport between the two leads which had me smiling more often than not.

Col.