Port-a-Potty Date by Angela Munson - Short, Comedy - On her way to a blind date, Dannie’s sudden urge to tinkle leaves her stuck in an epic day from hell. 9 pages

production: This single location short has an extremely low budget for 1 male/1 female in their 20's. This is a lighthearted, four quadrant script with a surprise twist at the end.  At the beginning viewers may not like the protagonist because of her self-righteous attitude, but by the end they are laughing with her and wanting more. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

1. Angela, I see a story developing about the difficulties of that porter-potty. However, the story was a challenge to follow.

2. I'll be blunt and nit-picky. The script is overwritten top to bottom. I'll give you a few examples/tips.

Whenever there is an "is" and an "ing" in the same phase, clause, or sentence - DUMP them.  Rewrite. i.e. She is multitasking as she speeds..... She multitasks as she speeds.... See by DUMPING the "is" and "ing" the sentence becomes stronger, more active sounding, and easier to read. Plus it has fewer words.

She is fidgeting in the seat > BECOMES > She fidgets in the seat.

She bobs her head to the music and primps her hair.> See how it works.

Film is a visual and audio media. Imagine the visual in your head and then with the fewest words possible write it down. Then rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite until your fingertips bleed.

3. "We see an isolated area.... TRY> She sees an isolated area........

WE SEE, WE HEAR, etc. Well we've seen enough of that from the old "B"
scripts that somehow keeps creeping back.

4. DUMP the ADVERBS.  Their "ly" tails are like tiny fleas. They surely weaken sentences.

5. She screams loudly. Can you SCREAM quietly? She screams is loud enough.

6. CAPITALIZE the SOUND words. The dog barks > The dog BARKS.

7. The action paragraphs should be 4 lines or less. Break down those long paragraphs into bit size to help the eyes.

8. SCENE HEADINGS (slug lines) need NOT be UNDERSCORED.

These tips will make your script stronger and an easier read.

Good luck to you Angela. I see you got it - just need a little development.

Steve

Some great advice but I disagree with the following...

Quoted from CrackedAces 6. CAPITALIZE the SOUND words. The dog barks > The dog BARKS.

If anything, this is the sound guy's job. We just tell stories. Indeed, these days you're more likely to get marked down for putting sounds in uppercase, IMO. But that's just my opinion, it could be a wrong one.

Quoted from CrackedAces 7. The action paragraphs should be 4 lines or less. Break down those long paragraphs into bit size to help the eyes.

We write by camera shot... so what if that shot takes 5 lines? I use 5 or even 6 lines wherever necessary. You should use the rules to guide you when you're starting out. Once you know what you're doing, you can pretty much do whatever you like. Given that it reads well, of course.

Quoted from CrackedAces 8. SCENE HEADINGS (slug lines) need NOT be UNDERSCORED.

I don't do this myself, but I don't see the harm it causes when others do?

Quoted Text If anything, this is the sound guy's job. We just tell stories. Indeed, these days you're more likely to get marked down for putting sounds in uppercase, IMO. But that's just my opinion, it could be a wrong one.

Varying opinions on this. For me - I generally reserve this to prominent sounds. e.g.,

I might not cap the wheels of the cars tire hum. But I would cap - BANG! - a gunshot. i.e., if the sound is one that should be disruptive or noticed out of the ordinary, I will cap. Again - pretty much a style choice I think.

Quoted Text We write by camera shot... so what if that shot takes 5 lines? I use 5 or even 6 lines wherever necessary. You should use the rules to guide you when you're starting out. Once you know what you're doing, you can pretty much do whatever you like. Given that it reads well, of course.

Mostly agree with this but do also think once you get past 4 lines it might be a warning to take a closer look at your efficiency. IMO - the ideal break is when the distinct action breaks. Kind of like rational paragraph breaks in novels.

Quoted from eldave1 Varying opinions on this. For me - I generally reserve this to prominent sounds. e.g., I might not cap the wheels of the cars tire hum. But I would cap - BANG! - a gunshot. i.e., if the sound is one that should be disruptive or noticed out of the ordinary, I will cap. Again - pretty much a style choice I think.

I agree with this. It's fine to use when it is something out of the ordinary as that can help with the storytelling itself. Can help add intensity, or induce a bigger emotive response from the reader. My argument is more against the rule that says they must be used to cap all sounds. The CAPS loses its impact with repetitive use and can even become irritating.

Quoted Text Mostly agree with this but do also think once you get past 4 lines it might be a warning to take a closer look at your efficiency.

I agree with this too. One look at my own scripts will show that I rarely hit 4 lines, but when I do there's a good reason for it. On my last feature, I was asked to write better character descriptions. The producer didn't care how many lines I used in the descriptions, she just wanted to see the characters in her mind, and it opened my eyes a little. Readers want it all, it's fun to allow them to use their own imaginations but in terms of character building that can be a difficult task.

Action sequences too. I like writing them... punch by punch. There are times when going over 4 lines is fine... but, as a general rule, brevity should always rule. I suppose it all boils down to the same thing in the end - if you're going to break the rules, make sure you do it right.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Action sequences too. I like writing them... punch by punch. There are times when going over 4 lines is fine... but, as a general rule, brevity should always rule. I suppose it all boils down to the same thing in the end - if you're going to break the rules, make sure you do it right.

Concur. To me it is always when it is rational for the mind's eye to move from one object/action to another.

Sometimes that can be a single word - some times several lines