Don't Let The Small Things Get You by Kirsten James - Short, Drama - When an older psychology student doesn't own up to a simple yet embarrassing mistake, the consequences are more than devastating than anyone could ever imagine. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

There is a very nice nugget of a story contained here -- though I also wonder if we could get to the same place without the mucus.  As a device, that detail feels a bit strained.

I would also give David a better final line of dialogue.  Some response that is more resonant to the situation.  (And I would attribute that dialogue to David, not Gary, as you've done here.  Oops.)

Easy to read, though -- breezed through this.

Easy read indeed. The writing was good. Felt in places there was opportunity to cut some things.

I didn't mind the mucus delivery, as it was original, but to use it as a distraction for a widowing car crash was far fetched, not to mention extremely overkill for a short. The mechanics of the crash could have been written better. He hits his head and instantly dies? Not caring for that. Did I understand this correctly?

But, what was your message or theme here? Not sure how to feel about this at the end. If anything I feel bad for David. The punishment didn't fit the potential crime.

The infidelity accusation comes out of nowhere with no substantiation or even much of a retort.

Otherwise, a few composition notes...

A storm HITS town, not HAS hit. Try to stay in present with your actions at all time. Has hit could give a visual of the end of the storm and it's devastation.I think you just want to suggest it's crappy out to justify his sickness.

A lot of detail has been added between the car and the walk into the school classroom. I'd ask yourself if it's necessary to keep or replace it with more of David's encounters.

The small amount of dialogue present could be tweaked for more of a natural feel, especially between husband and wife.

The 8th page is totally blank and not necessary at all. Keep it as lean as possible. Try to tell this particular story within 5-6 pages max if possible.

Thanks for the short to read!

Tony.

Hi Bert and Tony,

Thanks heaps for your read and feed back, I really do appreciate it!

I had reservations about the mucus part and  was interested to know how it  would play out for other people before I changed it. One other person who read this didn't like the mucus, it was jarring to the story.....so off to the drawing board.
The theme is about how the very small things in life can end up changing things dramatically. Kind of like the butterfly effect. I need to change the log line, it's misleading.

In regards to the crash, I should have made it clear that he broke his neck.

Bloody hell... I don't know what planet I was on when I wrote 'Gary' speaking the last line lol.... I do know I was in a rush to get it posted hence some silly mistakes were made....

I'll take your notes into consideration when I re-work this. Thanks guys!

Kirsten:

SPOILERS

Always stories where there are unexpected intertwines between characters (e.g., David and Gary). Very nice job there.

I echo the comments above. i.e.,

The ending needs a little work IMO. The  "Wha..." In addition, there is no  "How did you know Gary?" from Cheryl.  Almost seemed backwards to me - it is her husband's funeral. Wouldn't she naturally ask him how he knew David. Wouldn't she be curious as to how someone who was close enough to David to come to his funeral wouldn't know he had a wife??? To me, this is one of those delicious moments in a story (our characters meet, will the mystery come out?) and deserves milking a little bit.  It's just too quick here.

I do like your theme - the butterfly effect/small things, but the mucous as a vehicle for that took me out of the story.  I am feeling ewww - yuk when I should be feeling the tension of two couples talking about fidelity.  I don't have any suggestions on what the butterfly should be - but something other than a snot ball. Maybe it's just me.

Anyway - tons of potential here. Nice work. It was a quick read.

Kirsten,
I agree with the previous reviewers...it's a nice story but it can be written in 5/6 pages by condensing the "Action" descriptions. The final dialogue lacks depth. In my opinion, with a good rewriting, this story will be excellent.
My best,
Fausto

Hi Fausto and Dave,

Lovely to hear from you again.....:) And thanks a ton for the read and critiques....Okay the mucus is leaving the building! ( that could be a whole other story in itself :)).

I will re work this and definitely work with both of your suggestions...

Thanks again!

Quoted from Kirsten Hi Fausto and Dave, Lovely to hear from you again.....:) And thanks a ton for the read and critiques....Okay the mucus is leaving the building! ( that could be a whole other story in itself :)). I will re work this and definitely work with both of your suggestions... Thanks again!

You are more than welcome - best of luck

Kirsten, I know you're rewriting but I read this the other day and thought I'd add a few suggestions...

'A storm has hit town. Rain beats down on the half empty car park.’

Delete the first sentence imh. The next line is a perfect visual on its own. Unless you want to go the foretelling route of tragedy with symbolism of lightning and thunder through his POV of the windscreen, and David waiting for a lull in the rain etc.

Do you need two references to Maccas? Apart from unnecessary specific product placement which I doubt ‘they’ need endorsement of in your ‘short’, the generic burger, fries and coke would do, right?

I’m not convinced you need this long set up in the car. I thought that was going somewhere... I like it. But just make it move a bit faster or I'll think there's more significance to it. A shot of him gulping down the last of his food etc. Well, you're deleting a big blobby part of this anyway – perhaps have him on his phone (to his lover) while he's waiting for a break in the weather. A one sided conversation could lead your audience down a very misguided path, if you set it up that way. We generally go with assumed man/woman conventions so...

David and Sheryl could/should know each other at least to say hi and smile to considering it doesn’t appear to be a first lesson. So, I'd delete the ‘pretty sure you're in my class' and just have her surprised to see him at Gary's funeral. Better yet, it might actually be more dramatic if David and Sheryl strike up a friendship of sorts. This could add yet another layer of misdirection for the audience- she's unsure what her husband's up to, seeks the solace of a (psychology classmate) friend – she confides, he's confidante – to what they both ironically won't realise. Make sense?

A-ha
Uh-huh

For the most part write numbers out in full in screenplays.

There's some nice writing on display here. I enjoyed reading despite the ick factor.

You got me good as I did not see the reveal.

Expand on the lead up to that, minus the sticky bit (of which I concur with the other feedback) flesh out the relationships on both sides more - 'oh, what a tangled web...' lead your audience up the garden path with what we think we know, and then get 'em with the reveal. I haven't seen a story like that in a while. It's a good idea.

Btw, David's last line should be headed ‘David’, not Gary... But then you probably know that by now.

Very much looking forward to seeing what you do with this. :)

Hi LC,

Thanks heaps for the read and in-depth critique! You are right, it needs fleshing out. I had that 'writers feeling' it was a little too thin, I was too focused on the story line and structure.

Giving Sheryl and David more of a relationship is a great idea. When I figure out a less icky butterfly effect, I'll incorporate a relationship into it and then trim some of Davids car action. :)

I did wonder about the Maccas thing...

And thank you, I'm glad the writing was good and the reveal was a surprise. I've had to work a lot on my writing, so to read that is aways music to my eyes...;)!

Cheers Kirsten

Kirsten

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL CAR PARK – NIGHT

A storm has hit town. Rain beats down on the half empty
car park.

- Just a little tip, take it or leave it but I never mention the location in the prose since it’s already in the slugline. For example, this could be rewritten as:

“Half empty. A storm has hit town. Rain beats down.”

You'll save a line too ;)

“He sneezes violently producing a spray of phlem and a
large glob of mucus.
The glob lands on the back of Sheryl’s long hair.
David looks at it in horror.
It hangs there.”

- Ha, ok, a bit of snot themed, There’s Something About Mary-eque humour. I’m curious to see where this leads...

“INT. LOUNGE - NIGHT
The lounge is tidy with modern décor. Sheryl’s husband

GARY, late 40’s, dressed in a suit, tall and well
groomed, is standing across from her talking on the
phone.

He turns away from her...”

- It would be helpful to show Sheryl enter this scene when Gary talks on the phone. Since as it’s written, she just seems to be standing across from him when he turns away to end the call. How long has the phone call being going on for? How long has she been standing there?

SHERYL
A-ha.

- Not sure what you are trying to say. I associate “A-ha” with figuring out or realising something, seems out of context here. My suspicion is that Gary could be talking to his mistress on the phone and she is aware of this, hence the tears but even though, this line reads odd in its current placement.

Sh?t, the chain reaction set off by the errant phlegm glob was decidedly less humorous than the aforementioned Farrally brothers film. I feel guilty now for wisecracking.

I didn’t see the David/Gary connection coming so kudos for that, I predicted he would be driving the car they crashed into. Nice, at least, to have your expectations upended.

Just a note on photos, given its 2018, I wonder should digital photo on phones be the new norm since developed photos are less prevalent nowadays. This was obviously a special photo though so they probably would’ve gotten a physical copy. Still, it’s something to consider.

Very abrupt ending that felt rushed and didn’t land with the impact you were hoping for I reckon. Are you saying David didn’t know Gary was married? I didn’t get the “David the child” description as we never saw David as a child. A small detail I know, it just read strange.

Overall, there is probably something decent here, for now, it’s merely a random, tragic coincidence and not much more, thus it appears underdeveloped. I understand that drama relies a lot on intersecting lives crossing paths and unlikely contrivances to function but you need more than that to full round a story.

Good start but needs fleshing out in my opinion. Another twist or turn to add resonance, give it some weight.

Col.