Daf Mask Major Lick's Bachelor Party by Marcus "BOZ" Walton - Short, Comedy - Major League baseball players are looking for entertainment with a soon to be married MVP. But perhaps they've invited the wrong women. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I like the title.

This is a strange one, felt it was a beginning part in something bigger.

Wasn't to my taste, but it had a curious ending.

You did not describe the characters properly, and I did not realize until Tommy said 'Fuck you nigga', that this was dealing with young African Americans'.
And then what follows is heavy stereotypical hood dialogue and interaction that seemed like a cross between a bad rap video and a porno. Very, very, very stereotypical 'hood' characters.

I had no clue where these woman robbers are from, whether they're black or white, which I think is important in this case.


Most of the characters are not capitalized when introduced.

pg. 1
' a bunch of men'  - You've got to capitilize and specify how many men (is it 5, is it 20?).

'blunt.,' - Take out the full stop.

'your' - Should be 'You're'. Watch out for this homonyms.

pg. 4
'mens heads' - Should be 'men's' heads


SIMULTANEOUSLY - as a character?