Page 1 - break up the paragraph in the middle of the page such as:
Quoted Text Just then the wind lifts off Linda’s hat and it blows
down the beach towards the old man. Linda mutters
expletives as she and Rob chase after the hat.
With a deft touch and quick as lightning the old man
catches the hat.
Rob and Linda catch up to the old man and grab it back.
Neither of them say anything to him. Rob
barely acknowledges the old man’s help and Linda doesn’t
even look at him. |
Page 2 - you need to capitalize Sam, Grace, Mark, and Steven's names when you introduce them.
Just below their introductions, you have SAM say dialogue twice.
Page 4 - Sam's line "(Annoyed) No you fucking haven't" should read:
Quoted Text SAM
(annoyed)
No you fucking haven’t. |
Page 5 - same with Mark's line "(Confidently) I'll hold your hand. Come on."
Quoted Text MARK
(confidently)
I'll hold your hand. Come on. |
Page 7 - I suppose this:
Quoted Text LINDA
Now be quiet and get some sleep.
I want to be gone from here first thing. |
is a typo and that "I want to be gone from here first thing" should be in the dialogue?
Page 9 - This should be a scene change.
Quoted Text There is an open beach hut. Can she make it? The beast
is catching. She makes it and closes the door. We are
inside the beach hut with Grace. Total darkness. We can
HEAR Grace’s fast breathing. This slowly turns to
sobbering. |
From EXT. SUFFOLK BEACH - NIGHT to INT. BEACH HUT - NIGHT.
Huh, so was the old man a Hell Hound? And that shack was where he lived? That's what I'm guessing. If so, good twist.
Good story you have here, with some work. Break up the descriptions more so that they're easier to read. Some people usually break their descriptions into paragraphs based on each separate shot. So for each new shot, there's a new paragraph. Others like to have thicker paragraphs though. Whatever works for you. Just no more than 4 lines. 5 if necessary.
The dialogue was fine, as far as I can tell. You are definitely not American, lol.
I still don't know what a 'heather' is.