What's In a Number? by Jim Duncanson - Short, Drama - An old lady, a survivor of the WWII holocaust is shaken to the core when she steps from her local Metro to see a face from the past. A face that has always haunted her. 3 pages

production: Low to medium budget - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Jim,

Theres not a lot going on in this short. It's too simple and you giveaway alot of the surprise in the logline by mentioning she's a holocaust survivor.

The writing needs work. There's a lot of awkward sentence structure and passive writing throughout.


'She trudges along the platform to see a MOTHER with a
YOUNG CHILD [8], standing on the platform.'

Should be more along the lines of.. 'She trudges along the platform. A MOTHER (20's)  and her CHILD (8) stand and wait for a train.'


You don't need CUT TOO or FADE OUT during the script. It's okay for a CUT TOO if its ABSOLUTELY necessary for the story line. But these are things for the director to put in in the final shooting draft. Plus you don't need to bold and underline sluglines.

I like the dialogue at the end.. nice.

Good luck with it and keep on writing!

P.S, although the smiley face in my example is cute, he's not supposed to be there, :)