Sunshine, Lollipops And Wasteland by Robert McAllister - Series, Dark Comedy  - In a shattered post-war Britain, a cold and distant loner reluctantly looks to her new allies - a cannibal, a thief and a guy who should have died months ago - to survive this new, broken world. 42 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Robert, I just read your script and i thought it was really great.
I thought the pace at the beginning was maybe a tiny bit too fast. I wanted to spend a little more time on some scenes just to get to know the characters a little.

I’m a sucker for small stories told well. You squeezed a lot of plot into a very simple idea and built tension continuously.
Your dialogue was really strong and flowed really well. You set a great tone, the comedy and violence blended really well. I liked how normal this dangerous world was to everyone.

One thing which slowed the read was that you don’t really describe your characters, which sometimes meant it was hard to picture what i was seeing. When Millie went all “Steven Seagal” it was great but because i couldn’t picture her, i struggled. Also, and this might just be me but for a while i thought Seka was a girl.

Also, SPOILER ALERT, why did they free Nathan and Seka? I did’t get it.

Anyway, this was honestly one of the best things i’ve ever read and I’ve read a wide range of things, from Menus to the blurb on the back of books. So, i know what I’m talking about.
You created an original world with interesting characters and a really tight plot.

Sam

Hey Sam.

Sorry it took me so long to reply, and thank you for the feedback. It's really appreciated. I definately do need to describe the characters more, now that I think about it. Why did they free Nathan and Seka? I think Sarah wanted to for various reasons. Firstly, she feels like she got Seka into this trouble, and secondly, because Nathan doesn't deserve to be in the cage. It's part of her (reluctantly) accepting that she could use help. Could use friends, or apocalypse support anyway.

Thankyou for the nice feedback though, it's greatly appreciated!

I'm glad you found it useful. It was a while ago i read this but i still remember it. I especially remember the "tone" which i think is it's greatest selling point.

I see what you mean about Sarah's reasons for freeing them but i didn't get a clear defined sense of reasoning. When she has that recision to make, the audience should be convinced as well. Is she lonely? maybe, but she already acquired a travel companion. Do they have something she wants? will they improve her chances of survival and how?
The reasons you gave were internal reasons but seeing how they just met i think an external reason would be stronger.

In breaking bad, Jesse and Hal from "Malcolm in the middle" have to go on the journey together because one can cook meth and the other can sell it to achieve their goal of making money. Alone, the journey ends.

The script was really strong it was just that last note which made me raise an eyebrow.
Would love to get the chance to watch this one day.

Sam

Forgot to mention, not a big fan of the title. I think it's the word "lollypop". It confuses the connotations.
Just my opinion, though.  

I think you are right on Sarah. Her reasoning could be more clear and right now it sits in this vague area where even I'm not completely nailed on her reasons.

As for the lollipops? That's a reference to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zBoD_ojxFA

The name has always been a sticky point. Previously it has been Wastelanders, before that AEHOG (Apocalypse Help Group) and I wonder if Sarah's Wasteland might be good.