Life's Little Pleasures by Rick Gadziola - Short, Comedy - Two old-timers pull off their weekly caper at the local supermarket. 7 pages

contest: Original short story placed 2nd in Toronto Short Story Contest - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Rick,

This was a nice script. Excellent writing, some good examples of lean yet descriptive scenes and character descriptions. The dialogue was good also, clear characterizations coming through.

A couple of minor niggles. Final Draft sets Auto Continues on as default, which is a tad annoying. It's very obvious the same character is still speaking so I don't see the point of these and they can be switched off in the settings, but that's maybe a personal gripe.

Also, based on my own limited experience of film producing I can say actors don't appreciate scripts which try to tell them how to deliver the dialogue. So I'd shy away from emphasising words.

As for the story (SPOILERS AHEAD) - it had a lot of charm and I didn't see the twist coming. I just felt, for a comedy, there wasn't enough laughs. Everything in the script is building towards the final twist, which is the only gag. This makes it feel like a long sketch with one punchline rather than a short comedy film.

Don't get me wrong, the build-up and tension is great. I was expecting him to shoplift and you did well to lead me down that path. It just needs more smile or laughing moments.

All I can suggest is to break down the script into it's three main sections before the final gag and see what you can have the characters do or say to make that section funnier. For me, these are:

1. The Checkers game.
2. Shopping.
3. Queuing to pay.

If you have a think how you could insert a few jokes into each these sections, either by something the characters do or say, this will elevate the script.

I hope my notes are useful. great job on a quality script.

-Mark

Rick

CLAYTON
And no bag boys! They don’t have
nothin’ else to think about.

MURRAY
Holy-Moly. I got a live one wearing
a trainee button.

- Love these lines

Although, in regards their delight at seeing the trainee and knowing their “scam” this could just as much work against them because someone starting a new job could be extra fastidious about that kind of thing in order to make a good impression.

“Murray’s shoulders sink, his face pales and his cheeks turn a rosy tint.”

- It would take some serious acting chops to perform this on cue ;) Jokes aside though I’m always aware of being too specific with details like this because you have to consider the actor who’s going to have actually do it. It works on the page, different story in practice.

A lot to like with this one. Solid writing, great characterisation and an inspired twist at the end that explains the curious preceding events. We assume it's going one way and you pulled the proverbial rug beautifully. Well played.

Col.