Intrusive Surveillance

Posted by: Don, March 11th, 2018, 3:10pm

Intrusive Surveillance by Maroun Rached - Short, Comedy - A man notices a surveillance camera inside a public toilet, and has a surprising conversation with the P.A. speaker. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: MarkRenshaw, March 12th, 2018, 8:37am; Reply: 1

I suspect this has been posted in the wrong place!

Posted by: Mr. Blonde, March 12th, 2018, 8:55am; Reply: 2

I had been thinking the same thing when I saw that. Minor mishap.

Posted by: bert, March 12th, 2018, 11:22am; Reply: 3

Quoted from Mr. Blonde

I had been thinking the same thing when I saw that. Minor mishap.

Amended, thanks for calling it out, guys.

Posted by: Colkurtz8, March 14th, 2018, 3:43pm; Reply: 4

Maroun

This was a bit odd, intentionally so though.

A few awkward turns of phrase in the prose and dialogue but I got a few smirks out of it all the same.

Col.

Posted by: Maroun, March 14th, 2018, 6:39pm; Reply: 5

Hi Col,

Thanks for the read! Yes, the awkward turns of phrase occur because I'm not a native English speaker: that's what happens when you learn your English from Hollywood :)

Best,
Maroun.

Posted by: Colkurtz8, March 15th, 2018, 3:04pm; Reply: 6

Quoted from Maroun

Yes, the awkward turns of phrase occur because I'm not a native English speaker: that's what happens when you learn your English from Hollywood :)

- Ah, yes, I half suspected this but didn't want to say because your english is easily good enough to be written by a native speaker...and can you think of a bigger insult than been mistaken for a foreign speaker when you are, in fact, native?

The clunky phrasing is minor, I've read far worse by native speakers.

Knowing this now makes the script all the more impressive, well done.

Print Topic