The Health Aide by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - After an African-American health aide starts working for an elderly Italian-American woman, she realizes that psychological slavery is still alive.  11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Wow. Yikes.

Don't know where to begin with this one...

SPOILERS:

So the twist about Etta being there to take down Joey and Mama makes this piece about 5% less offensive overall, IMO.  Here are my problems with it:

Etta being black is tangential to your twist. An agent of any color can infiltrate the home as a health aide, so why would any agency take a chance of trying to get a woman of color into an environment that they know is biased, and could perhaps even be more dangerous for her than it would be otherwise?

Joey and Mama's racism is also tangential to the twist. Doesn't really serve your plot; I guess you can say it's a subplot done to illuminate that racism is still sometimes overt. But is your story about racism, or is it a crime drama?  Is the irony of Joey being taken down by a Black person what you were going for here?

I also have a hard time believing that mama is simultaneously the head of a large organized crime family, and at the same time has only 1 option from 1 healthcare agency, that being Etta.  In the Italian family environment you describe, there would probably be dozens of extended family members to either look in on mama or move in with her.

And among the more offensive and stereotypical things in this script is that Etta says she can only cook black eyed peas, etc. Why would an undercover agent say this?

I don't know, maybe I'm being too sensitive or missing the point, but to me this feels like an excuse to have some characters say some offensive things purely for shock value. I'd be interested to know what others think.

AJR

Code ETTA Fried chicken, black beans, corn bread...things like that.

Hilarious.

Code Etta is in front of the stove undertaking the challenge of cooking an Italian meal.

Pasta and meatballs? Hardly a challenge.

Code MARTHA (CONT'D) Wash the dishes and map the floor.

I thought the above was just a typo, but...

Code Etta now is mapping the floor.

...she actually is mapping the floor. I imagine she's mapping every crack and crevice. Else it'd be a bit weird mapping the floor as it's a floor and you'd just write 'floor' on the map.

Ah, hold on... it's all OK because she's an agent for the police. Ta-da!

This one is not as good as your usual stuff Fausto. In fact, it's extremely weak. I don't care about the racism as it's just a story but in terms of story, it needs to be a lot stronger than this.

Dustin,
thank you for your reading...I apologize for the "map/mapping," clearly, it should have been "mop/mopping"... terrible mistake!!
AJR and Dustin,
in my mind, Etta did not expect to be "working" in a racist environment...her mission was to capture Joey, the Mafia boss. For this, she had to endure Mama's and Joey's racism. In many Italian-American Mafia families, usually, the mother blesses the son's decision. Remember the word "respect."
Thank you for your observations.
My best,
Fausto

Hi Fausto,

I like the twist because they so deserve it, but the story does need more depth to it. The woman's racism is a little on the nose. Her behavior could be just as evil but more subtle. More underhanded. And maybe the agent can show her own issues with racism as she is working undercover. The agent also seems too eager to do the woman's bidding even though she says she's desperate for the job. I think she can still pretend to be eager but it needs to be more subtle.
I like the premise, and shining a light on racism is always a good thing, so keep at it with this.
Cheers Kirsten

Quoted from Fausto AJR and Dustin, in my mind, Etta did not expect to be "working" in a racist environment...her mission was to capture Joey, the Mafia boss. For this, she had to endure Mama's and Joey's racism. In many Italian-American Mafia families, usually, the mother blesses the son's decision. Remember the word "respect."

Hey Fausto,

What I don't understand in your explanation is this - if she turns out to be an undercover agent, wouldn't she have studied this family down to the minutest detail? Probably including wiretapping? Thus she would know what type of environment she's walking into.

It's as if you decided on the last page to make her an agent.

And yes, I know all about Italian-American Mafia families...  ;D

Cheers,

AJR