You May Come In by 0 - Short, Sci Fi - A woman helps a wife of a deceased police officer overcome her loss by telling the latter her husband used to cheat on her.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Slightly confusing, and I don't see the sci-fi aspect here.

It was written well, with the exception of a few minor things that would certainly be ironed out if given more time.

Writing - 3.5/5
Story - 3/5

Total - 3.25

The writing here is decent, but there's some comma overuse that drove me nuts at times. Like: A tall MAN, in his forties, enters, eyes exude confidence and self-respect
The commas between "in his forties" aren't grammatical on any level (at least not in this context). There are numerous grammatical errors that can't be boiled down to common talk either...  Irene knew he was cheating but haven't had the heart to admit that to herself.

I don't see how the story is sci-fi at all, but maybe I'm missing something (if so, I'm sorry). It seems like a drama with ghosts to me.

I had my reservations about The Apparition, which seems to pair with this script, but The Apparition performs better in terms of sticking to the genre.

P.S. The page numbers are messed up. Easy fix.

At first thought it was six pages - it's five - the numbers are off.

Not bad - do think you need a FLASHBACK for the first store scene.

I liked the premise.

I found this a bit hard to follow. Too much OTN and expository dialogue. I will try to come back to this one and provide some actual notes later on if I have the time. An interesting premise though.

The strength of this short is the premise.

Definitely an idea worth exploring further.

Agree with others... don't see the sci-fi. That's a problem.

In the beginning this felt like a Black Mirror episode but instead of a program gathering info it was a person. The one thing Black Mirror has though is sci-fi, something this script is seriously lacking.

I’m really not a fan of either script but I think the other one wins because it is closer to the criteria.

I loved this one. Great twist/reveal and ending. The title and her exasperation with her ability (unwanted?) go so well together. Great work for the time constraint.

Two thumbs up, for sure.

Just read the other reviews and realized that I missed the sci-fi requirement. Will that have an effect on how I vote? we'll see....

What a great little tale. I was too immersed in it to realize it was lacking the sci-fi aspect of it all. Unless we're all missing something here. Either way, I really enjoyed this.

I didn't meet the parameters, so, that was unfortunate.  

It was an interesting read.  So, are they ghosts?  I reread it and am still so confused.

Cool idea tho.

Dan

It's a talking heads script... could be way tighter, perhaps figure out a way to use subtext.

I like it though. I like the idea and the twist.


Writing: 2.5
Story: 4

3.25

Some of the dialog is a bit odd. (" He was shot at job duty. " "February 14" should be either th at the end or simply Valentine's Day)
I would chop Pedro's speech about leaving the living behind. Feels a bit forced to me.

Fantastic premise and twist. Diction is a bit clunky, but I read her as speaking with an accent, so it's all good.

Telepaths are basically the magicians of sci-fi, but this is divination and doesn't fit in the sci-fi box for me.

It should be "The Man has a deer in the headlights look on his face." At first I thought it was an editing mistake. He should probably remain Man until Irene walks in the door.

I liked this. Bit of an awkward transition. We find out that Pedro is Pedro in a narrative line. He should still be called "the man" there and once he's addressed as Pedro the character should read 1x PEDRO (MAN) and then PEDRO. So it was confusing for a moment.

Agree there is no sci-fi here, unless you count the fact that the protag can really see ghosts as sci-fi?  So you have a ghost, a science fiction element, and of course suburbia. Not sure the other entrant ticks the box of suburbia and it's more of a vignette, so....

Nice job with this writer.

No sci-fi here so didn't meet the parameters. Very tough topic though. Was written ok except for the missing FLASHBACK but ultimately the zero sci-fi kills it. The other script is lucky in that regard lol

I liked the idea and think the story has legs... but as other's have pointed out there's no scifi element imho.

This one was hard to follow for me, it's like two stories merged into one.  Pedro needs to be introduced properly in capitals.  I didn't notice any sci-fi too.

Most everyone keeps commenting on the lack of sci fi in this script, and (despite the vote being equal at the moment) that it may affect their vote. The 'ghost' element is predominant  - 'ghost or ghosts', so it should not come into it imh.

I think this is the stronger entry of the two in contention based on story inventiveness alone. It definitely has 'Ghost' (the movie) influences but the writer took the plot elsewhere and surprised me.

The writing is clunky - I'm guessing English is not a first language.  Lots to fix by way of grammar, syntax etc., but that can be fixed. Story is going to win me over everytime.

Good job.

You May Come In

Short notes: Some format issues. The concept is clever and your story kept my interest. As I see it though, you yet let miss any explanation how this "medium" Stephania can get in contact with the deceased which was a huge flaw to me. I also think you almost haven't hit the genre at all. However, some entertaining freshness is definitely coming through to me.

story (0-5): 3

character (0-5): 3

presentation (0-5): 2

total: 8

Alex, if you see this:

She gathers some info on the deceased. That she may do without ghosts' help.

But at the same time, she's a medium. She talks to ghosts. Just like in that movie - ghost - they visit. After Pedro is gone, she's meeting with another ghost - that's implied.

And if you're asking about the physics of it - that's a make-believe, not real. That's how mediums roll I believe, they see ghosts, talk to them.

Haha, okay.

So, do you say the medium implied toward her client that he was there just to make money, but same time she didn't knew that he was actually there and you showed the ghost visits as a phantasm by the medium?

As I saw it, she, the medium, actually saw him but you just haven't described the process of how.

So 1 or 2?




I'm the part of the audience who really wants the answers there, so I must say I needed to cut a bit of the scoring.

No, the medium sees him clearly as if he's a living person. At first, we see two living people.

Then we learn others can't see him and understand he was a ghost.

Okay, so to say, the ghost is real but only medium can see him.

Then you in fact let miss the How there, for me. I hoped to get a funky way there, some electro-static triggering tool she has for producing an image of him or sth.

Thanks to all who voted.
The writing is flawed - that's bound to happen with me as usually, I leave entries to sit for a week, then reread and weed out the mistakes.

I'm also very happy that some found it enjoyable.

Some found it confusing - I can see how. Just need to do better, that's all. I think if it was a better entry you'd look past the lack of a sci-fi element and vote for it. So, just need to work on that writing.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Okay, so to say, the ghost is real but only medium can see him. Then you in fact missed that why there, understand. I hoped to get a funky way there, some electro-static triggering tool she has to produce an image of him or sth.

Yeah, she could do that at the end - and that would give it more of a sci-fi feel. I should have. I just wanted it to be more of a drama and more real. I think people would buy into the story more if she'll just close her eyes to meditate, then open her eyes to see him gone.

Might play with the other thing and see how it pans out, thanks.

It's a special skill being able to write exposition without it coming across as exposition, especially without any dramatic backdrop, like an argument or even a couple having sex. Certainly not something that can be done in 48 hours. You set yourself a hard challenge, so well done for writing something to such a high standard in such a short amount of time.

Thanks, Dustin, I appreciate it.

Yes, this was great Kham.

Hope I didn't offend with the NESB comment. It was 48hrs, you fix that in the rewrite.

I only speak one language.  :'( ;D

Ahaha, Libby.

Thanks for the kind words. No, it's not offensive to me, I'm used to it)
Yeah, I'll let it sit a bit and will get to fixing. lots of articles and missing words in here. And other stuff. And I'm starting to see it just now)

Really glad to see you liked it!