Operation South Lawn by 0 - Short, Comedy - Bombing the White House is no laughing matter. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This looked lonely on the second thread page, so I had a look. :)

I...can't day I get this one, lol. I did kind of enjoy the absurdity of  it, but damn, what the hell even was that?

The writing on display is pretty good. I'm usually quite nit-picky about that, so good job in that regard at least. :)

I wish I had more to say about it.

OPERATION SOUTH LAWN
Not sure what software you used, but your spacing looks all off
This wasn’t very funny to me. It’s hard writing comedy.
I’m not real sure what happens at the end. This one was ok for the time we had to write but I think it needs some more work. Good job getting one in.

Okay - a difficult challenge - comedy is tough.

I didn't laugh - but again, if this isn't the writer's genre then just a tough draw.

Written well enough - no major errors for me other than the fonts looked odd (a nit)

I thought this was pretty funny but I've a weird sense of humor (I laughed at the pilot getting punched in the dick in 'Breakfast in the Air'). Loved the creepy clown and him messing with the agent. Not laugh out loud, by any means, but still kinda funny.

Yeah no real comedy here but, like the rival one, it was written nicely and formatting was tight. I�m guessing the writers weren�t used to being thrown in the comedy deep end so good efforts

That was random. I didn’t really get any laughs out of it.

Sorry but I think my vote goes to the other script.

I got several good laughs out of it. For some reason, the clown popping the bomb balloon on his way out of the plane struck me right.

I... uh... um... What just happened?

I could see this actually working as a short, but you'd need to cast a genius of nonverbal comedy who can improvise between the lines. And you also need someone to play the clown.

Though as others mentioned the formatting looks off, the writing itself seems solid.

I thought it was funny, but, not as funny as the other.

I'd cut down on the over explanations of the plane and some other extraneous things that really don't matter much.

Dan

Code SMITH Hey, Johnson. I bet you never thought one of your first assignments would be to drop a package on the White House, eh? JOHNSON No, sir, though ours is not to wonder why, right? I just don't know why we have to have the package on a timer. Can't our jumper set it off manually?

Exposition. I know it's a comedy and it can work OK so long as you laugh at the fact you're doing it. Here it's just done to easily feed the plot to the reader. I hate it. Very, very amateur.

Code The clown looks very creepy.

In what way? I find it really difficult to imagine a creepy clown. They look funny, not creepy.

Code Johnson gets a disturbed look on his face...

This reads wrong. Where does he 'get' the disturbed look from? A pocket, perhaps?

I can't take any more. I'm out at 3. I'd honestly just switch this off as soon as hearing the expo at the start.

Writing: 2.5
Story: 1

Total: 1.75

I liked this one. The ending was different than what I was expecting. I thought it was a real bomb but joke's on me! And I thought that the balloon bomb would turn out to be real TNT explosives once the clown jumped out of the plane, and Agent Smith would say something like "Johnson you idiot! That's the bomb!" but I was happy with the ending that occurred. I think I enjoyed this one moreso than the other. Tough decision. Gah.

Didn't work for me, though this idea of a Clown spiralling to the White House Lawn did make me smile.

I didn't really get it.

I like Zombie Sean's idea of having them accidentally drop a bomb instead. Now that could be funny.

I did like the fact that the clown wouldn't talk but just instead had reactions and there was a nice twist at the end.  However, the humor didn't quite resonate with me. Others did find it humorous so it's just a taste thing, I think.  The writing itself is well done.

Good luck with this.
Gary

Good job this one.

Funny last scene and I could appreciate the build up to it. Many don't like clowns but HE does and maybe it's because he has orange hair himself.

I wish it was funnier though. The beginning (up to the very last line actually) doesn't ring comedy. I forgot that it was a comedy in fact.
Well written and all.

I think you missed the chance at a decent joke where one agent says to the other to "stop clowning around" when he's got his gun pulled on Butcho.

I laughed at the chicken bit and the clown face in the window. Some decent gags there. I appreciate the different angle taken here with it not being a "bomb" and the absurdity of a clown being thrown out of a plane for the President is weird enough to get a nod of approval from me.

I'll vote this one.

Decent tale. Chuckles here and there. Ending just fine.
I'm way tired of clowns, though, along with zombies, vampires, people with Scream masks, etc. etc.
Henry

Operation South Lawn

Short notes: Partly I lost the orientation within this airplane. Then your constant tries on comedy saved you. All in all it was nonetheless too confusing to entirely enjoy it. However, some situation comedy and slapstick landed well.

story (0-5): 2

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 2

total: 6

So I thought this was cute, however I guessed where you were going with it by the "that's what she wants" line. Probably could have spent less time describing the pilot and having the agents banter and more time with the agent and the clown.  Tough category.

Yeah, this was mine. I never expected laugh out load bellows with milk flowing out the nose but crickets? Man, I suck at comedy. My mental images just don't translate to page. I did have to edit 3/4 of a page to meet the requirement but that's no excuse. Dustin's comments really rang true with the exposition (in your face) dialog, so I'll take that to heart. Hmmm, yeah, I thought it would've done better.

Good luck, Dan!

Thanks John
This was hard.  Comedy with skydiving is fine.  But time bomb??  That doesn't really read as comedy.  I thought you did very good.

Dan

Quoted from DustinBowcot Code The clown looks very creepy. In what way? I find it really difficult to imagine a creepy clown. They look funny, not creepy.

Stephen King's IT clown never looked funny to me, very much creepy.  They do look creepy, can always be creepy, it's a part of life, the majority of us have seen creepy clowns.  Just a few years ago there was that creepy clown scare phase that got into the news, spread from North America to Europe.

For what it's worth, I liked this one and it got my vote.

Quoted from jayrex Stephen King's IT clown never looked funny to me, very much creepy.  They do look creepy, can always be creepy, it's a part of life, the majority of us have seen creepy clowns.  Just a few years ago there was that creepy clown scare phase that got into the news, spread from North America to Europe.

Who's the majority?

Yeah, I saw that stupid thing on the news... but I'm an adult.