Fake News by Warren Duncan (Warren) writing as (a)realDonaldTrump - Short, Comedy, Horror - A monster walks the halls of the White House. Fake news, or a story that the president doesn't want to get out? 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Page one and already errors with the writing are taking me out of the read.

Code Off-screen, an indistinguishable noise...

Indistinguishable from eerie quiet? It's your job to tell me what type of noise.

Code Cautious steps towards the door.

Who's Cautious? You haven't introduced them.

Code Garcia moves his ear to the door to listen in.

Why else would he move his ear to the door if not to listen in?

Code He takes a step back and in one fluid motion draws a side arm that was previously hidden underneath his jacket. He points it at the door. GARCIA If someone’s in there, come out now!

If he is suspicious of an intruder why would he warn them that he is there?

All from the first page. Not a good start.

The middle and end fell flat for me too... but not an easy subject matter to have to work with in a 48-hour deadline.


Writing: 2
Story: 2

Total: 2

This is very funny. Nothing else to say here - a nice funny five pager and a complete story imo.

Great job

For more comedy than horror - almost to the point of not meeting the parameters.

Writing solid enough and a tough parameter for sure.

A good effort. Going to be a close one for me

Eh?

I like the caricatures of Trump and Baron and I'm pretty MAGA. Don's dismissal of the monster in the White House as fake news made me chuckle as did the bedtime story. I guess this is kinda a B horror script and I'm ok with that.

Libs will love this. Not too shabby honestly.

I’m truly over the Trump bashing that seems to be part of everyday life at the moment. It’s gotten boring.

The parameter didn’t call for comedy for this pair so have no idea why the writer added it. The writing was good just I cared nothing for the subject matter and the added comedy wasn’t funny anyway lol

I get that Horror-Coms are a thing, but this is just a straight up gag; the comedy aspect overtakes everything to the point where I don't feel the challenge parameters were met here. It's written well enough and I will admit that the description of Donald Trump made me laugh, but overall, this one wasn't my favorite.

You nailed the topic.  

It might have been good to add a quick scene on the news media reporting monsters in the white House.

It was a nice touch having a Spanish/Mexican name Garcia.

Overall, you've done well.  Now got to read the other.

Cam, I'm a Lib and I didn't care for this.

Sorry, but, this just missed the mark in so many places.  I think it's because the security acts dumb.  These are supposed to be highly trained people.

Trump and Jr act like puppets.  

SPOILERS

Why would Trump kill Garcia?  Why?  What does he gain by having a death in the WH?

I love monster movies even if they are B,C or D, but, this just missed the mark, for me.

Dan

SPOILER

I think this falls inside the horror box, even if it ended on a gag about "loving" Mexicans.

The parameters call for a White House setting, not the current administration, and putting words in a real child's mouth just doesn't sit well with me.

Horror comedy, okay think that's within the parameters... more Trump bashing, I'm all for that, and I did think it built well to the conclusion.

I thought you were building up to a killer last line... "See Barron, just like I said, really really great food"

You had me at "good night, little Donald." Funniest line I've read so far in the entire competition.

This was the obvious idea for these parameters, and the other entrant chose not to go quite all the way here with it. You did and I think you did it well, at least well enough for a 48 hour quickie competition.  Other script went more camp which is more reminiscent of the "monster movie", however I think this one does fit the parameters, if even only barely.

Nice job and you gave me a couple of chuckles and one big laugh.

Heh-heh. I had to check to see if you had comedy in your description as I was expecting only horror. I could picture Alec Baldwin doing this as a skit on SNL, for sure. Good job with this one. Kudos.

Fake News

Short notes: Garcia wasn't completely believable to me regarding his function in the White House since those are the best of the best of the… The Mexican theme thing was, you know, a bit fed up of it at the moment. Not meaning the basic message, but it's something that right now only walks with a masterfully execution, even brilliance. Btw except for those two things the whole development is fine. In the ending you go back there to what I said above. I hope you understand my issue. Then, I can say that this presentation of screenwriting does deliver flawless. You move the picture, with rhythm, balance, a brief and direct screenstory language, everything; also ultimate tidy it looks. A lot of story boxes clicked as well.

story (0-5): 3

character (0-5): 3

presentation (0-5): 5

total: 11

So this was my disaster. I’m glad some of you seemed to like it and to be honest I was really surprised at the positive comments.

I’m never touching this script again, but thought I’d address a few things while I wait for the clock to count down.

Dustin I generally find a fair bit of your notes useful and have used a lot of them over my time on SS, but I thought these were a little nit-picky. A couple were spot on.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Indistinguishable from eerie quiet? It's your job to tell me what type of noise.

Well it was quiet and then there was a noise, but this was super lazy writing on my part. I couldn’t think of a noise so I used indistinguishable.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Who's Cautious? You haven't introduced them.

I did intro him, he’s literally the only person intro’d.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Why else would he move his ear to the door if not to listen in?

Really neither here nor there.

Quoted from DustinBowcot If he is suspicious of an intruder why would he warn them that he is there?

He wasn’t overly suspicious to begin with and let them know he was there already.

Quoted from stevie I’m truly over the Trump bashing that seems to be part of everyday life at the moment. It’s gotten boring. The parameter didn’t call for comedy for this pair so have no idea why the writer added it. The writing was good just I cared nothing for the subject matter and the added comedy wasn’t funny anyway lol

I’m over it to but I really struggled to do anything with White House and monster movie, Trump was a very easy target.

The parameter didn’t call for comedy, but horror/comedy is very much a thing. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil and Final Girls are hilarious and are still horrors.

But you did say you didn’t find it funny at all, so does that mean it's just a horror? :p

I personally think I used some well-worn horror bits that still make this a horror. Just my opinion.

Anyway… super fun regardless. Bring on round 2!

You're kidding with me, right? :-)

Quoted from PrussianMosby You're kidding with me, right? :-)

Nope.

I'm surprised, Warren. Good job with this one. You've a future writing for SNL.

Now... on to romantic/ comedy/ western...with a mime.

Quoted from JEStaats I'm surprised, Warren. Good job with this one. You've a future writing for SNL. Now... on to romantic/ comedy/ western...with a mime.

Thanks, I can't wait.

Warren,
     I thought it was pretty good.  Yes it's easy (fun???) To bash Trump and you had some funny moments.

Comedy horror is very real.  Arachnophobia was a huge hit.

Good job
Dan

I thought there's no horror in it as not all monster movies are horrors.
Here comedy is way too predominant and the presentation suggests it's not intended to scare.

Didn't stop me from voting for this. Although the other one was a nice slasher.

Thanks Dan.

Khamanna, I'm going have to agree to disagree. Thanks for the vote though, appreciate it.