Red Scare by Tail Gunner Joe - Short, Horror - Three politically active teens find a strange house during the 1956 Presidential campaign.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Solid writing - crisp/efficient - no complaints.

Love the set up of the story. Only suggestion is to tap down the somewhat humorous lines towards the end -  they are counter to the tone of what is happening,

Nice job!

No complaints with the writing or the story. So nothing to really even say.

Writing - 4/5
Story - 3.5/5

Total - 3.75

Really enjoyed this up till the end.

Solid writing, good dialog, believable characters, and it checked the parameters.  

I can't add much.  Clean up the end b/c I didn't understand if she was under their control or not.  And what were they after?  I know you only had 5 pages, but, perhaps you could have started closer to the house and got to the good part quicker.

Honestly, that's my only complaint.  I preferred this one.

Dan

We just need to work harder. Just like, Adlai would! Incorrect comma use. Please delete. :)
Quickly to interrupt should be quick to interrupt.
I noticed quite a few little errors like the above. This could probably use a revision.

That said, it was still pretty good. It was horror, but it also had a lighthearted enthusiasm to it. Not sure I totally understand the nature of the red glint. I get the symbolism of the color, but still.

The writer does love to use exclamation marks. This is subjective, but I thought they were overdone.

Hmm. For me, the comedy went a little overboard. Everyone just seemed like a caricature. It kind of dampens the legitimately creepy horror elements.

Having said that, him throwing the button and it bouncing off harmlessly made me laugh out loud.

Think it just needs some tweaking. Finding that perfect mix of horror/comedy where we still feel something for our characters and worry about their survival.  

I liked the set up but then it seemed to go off track. Was Mary Jo in on it from the beginning? Not sure if it really clicked for me. Solid writing. I wonder if time was a big issue here because another review or two would make a big difference in deciding how this one would run.

Good work.

Good effort with this one. The writing is great.

I don’t mind the comedy, as it still very much has the necessary elements to make it a horror.

Congrats, this gets my vote.

Tone wobbled in a couple of places, but I liked the way it built to the climax.

Good job.

Not sure how I feel about this one. The writing and dialogue were good, but the story lost me. What's up with Mary Jo? And just the radio in general? Was that a numbers station they were listening to? Just like a couple others I've read, too bad the script length has to be so short. This one left me with more questions than answers.

Really solid entry, both of the scripts in this category were, by writers who can obviously write.

I liked the comedy in the dialogue, I thought it was perfectly balanced, and allowed the writer to set up the tropes of jock, homecoming queen and nerd very efficiently and with an ironic nod, so that even though they were caricatures, they weren't caricatures.

This one ticked the boxes more for the challenge, being a haunted house. And it was very original to have it haunted by Communists instead of ghosts.

Nice job writer.

I like this one.  You actioned the brief and then threw in some comedy towards the end for extra.

Easy and quick to read.  Nice story.  No complaints.

Red Scare

Short notes: p 1-1,5 build-up is nice albeit needs to be shorter. You can get across their characterization and the side-theme quicker. Good establishing of mystery. Ha, not sure if those two would separate from each other, nice cliché maybe. Now deliver… too comedic, then also some heavy fiction aspects, political expressions and definitely noticed some horror aspects as well. Then this all wasn't coherent enough. Your concept isn't clear by now in my eyes. Still, some good in it.

story (0-5): 2

character (0-5): 3

presentation (0-5): 3

total: 8