Exit Five Stages - Left by Snidely Whiplash - Short, Comedy, Action, Cartoon - As the villain sets off his latest plan in motion to get rid of those goody-two-shoes, he realizes that life really does suck for the villain. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I think it's hilarious, but Depression and Bargaining are out of order. Wouldn't affect the story if they were switched.

The five INSERTs should be SUPERs.

Though it would be slightly out of place, some indication of the Goodmans' good deeds would help sell the villain. Could be newspaper clippings on one of the walls, or break-glass-in-case-of-emergency cases with superhero outfits.

Overall, great funny story in a short timeframe.

EXIT FIVE STAGES LEFT
Transitions (fade in) should be in all caps
Instead of hearing all the dialogue about what he did to the family it would be nice to see some of it… ya know show don’t tell so much.
I do LOVE how you incorporated the five stages in this.  Good job.

Craftsmanship - okay - solid for the most park.

Dialogue very expositional - like every plot point had to be delivered in that matter.

Just okay for me.

Really liked this one for the most part. Reminded me of a potentially darker Pixar movie with the friendly villains in Despicable Me or Megamind.
Good choice to focus on one character in Dastardly Dave. There's only so much story and character development anyone can pack into a 5 page short. Thought that allowed the story to have a satisfying beginning, middle and an end.
Good work!

This was quality work. Funny with good visuals. I'd like to know more about the family though. Were they the Incredibles? Good stuff through to the end where it seemed a bit cheesy. Good job.

Cliched lol but well written for this type of challenge. Wasn’t funny but I guess it did the job

It’s a tough one for me. For what it was I thought it was good. I can imagine a cartoon villain doing and saying these things, but the dialogue is so overly expositional.

It’s a clever idea but I think it loses something in the execution.

I’ll have to think about it.

The expositional dialogue actually worked for me. Yes, it was over the top, but I thought that was the point. He's a cartoon villain. I read it in the style of the old 70s cartoons. Good on the writer to commit to the style and keep it consistent. Even a moment of inconsistency could have killed the entire script.

Well done.

I'm shocked nobody has pulled you up for using 6 lines of action all in one go. Most would recommend you never go over 3! It really doesn't matter.

However, not feeling the actual story. There's no spark there. I get that the dialogue is meant to be expositional and this is one of the times when it's allowed. However, it still doesn't work for me, it's still lazy.



Writing: 2
Story: 2

Total: 2

Boy, I can tell who didn’t grow up watching Saturday morning cartoons here. This is spot on in terms of how the cartoon played out and I loved it, including how you incorporated the five stages into the plot. A fun read. Good luck on this going forward!

Gary

This one was just as good as the other one. Gonna be a tough decision for me. I loved the five stages of grieving/death. I liked the premise of the story too. The ending was goofy with the ACME line, but the very last INSERT made the whole thing feel like an ad for ACME, which I didn't like. I would say remove that INSERT, but that's just my opinion. Or, wait, is that INSERT supposed to be a SUPER? Is there a tag on the bomb that says that, or is it text on screen?

Quoted from Zombie Sean This one was just as good as the other one. Gonna be a tough decision for me. I loved the five stages of grieving/death. I liked the premise of the story too. The ending was goofy with the ACME line, but the very last INSERT made the whole thing feel like an ad for ACME, which I didn't like. I would say remove that INSERT, but that's just my opinion. Or, wait, is that INSERT supposed to be a SUPER? Is there a tag on the bomb that says that, or is it text on screen?

I read it as being on the bomb itself.

Trivia nugget: there is a real company called Acme in the Philadelphia area. Disappointingly, it's a supermarket that doesn't sell bombs or rocket skates.

Quoted from FrankM I read it as being on the bomb itself.

I can see that. I guess I got confused since the other text was also labelled as INSERT when I think it's supposed to be SUPER?

Once you called the antagonist Dastardly I couldn't get Dastardly and Mutley out of my mind...

Some funny moments but too much Dastardly talking for me.

I like the concept but something just doesn't click. Maybe don't start him out so cartoony (even though he is a cartoon). It might work better if he's very serious and genuinely threatening. So when he falls out of the plane it's this sinister badass getting reduced to crying and begging and what not.

I agree with what everyone else said.  

If this was written as a 60s cartoon, great job.  If this was written as anything else, then wow, not so good,  I'm going for the former to be honest.

I thought it was funny, seeing the antog get his "just desserts" at the end,

And the Acme line was funny.  

But, writer, you gotta learn the difference between Super, VO, OS, Insert etc..

Good luck
Dan

I liked his five stages - thinking it's smart.

I didn't like the beginning, cartoonish for me and I wouldn't mind the first scene if the rest of it was as cartoonish as the first one.

Funny stuff though, all of it. Nice job.

Good idea, okay execution.

I liked the idea and the basic story you got going on here. Classic villain never getting his due and the comedy bits are very cartoonish, which works for this story.

I think I was put off by some of the formatting, it kind of read all over the place for me with so many inserts and lack of capitalization for FADE IN. I think a good polish and extension of the story outside of these parameters would really make is pop.

Well-written and executed. Thumbs up.
Henry

Exit Five Stages - Left

Short notes: Formidable.

story (0-5): 5

character (0-5): 5

presentation (0-5): 4

total: 14

I liked it because it was absurd from the outset - Dastardly's vendetta against the Goodman family - and then it got really absurd as he bargained on the way down. Unique, which I respect, even if it's not perfect.

So, if I see it correctly regarding your opponent's comment, the curve you take becomes frightening.

By far my clear favorite.

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and comments.  This was hard.

When I got the email for comedy, skydiving, and time bomb, I said you gotta be kidding because bomb doesn't equal comedy most times.

This was the 4th idea that I finally went with.

Clearly I'm thrilled with the results and the feedback.  This is the best thing I've written since I dedicated myself to this comeback.

Most of you know my struggles with my health and know my odds of selling anything become much lower due to my health, yet many of you have taken hours to get to know me and help me be a better writer and person.  I can't thank you all enough.

The last 3 things I wrote have been better and I have felt better about them.

Can't wait for the insanity of round 2.
Thanks again
Dan

Congrats Dan, I enjoyed this one and thought it was very creative.

In case you didn't see my note on the other thread...

Great job, Dan!  Very entertaining. :)