Missed It By That Much by 0 - Short, Comedy - A top secret mission is in jeopardy from the start.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

OTN dialogue from the off.

Why would they kidnap one of their own agents and put them in sudden danger? Logic hole. It is a comedy but that doesn't excuse the hole for me.


Writing: 3.5
Story: 2

Total: 2.75

I think that last gag falls flat here. You got some decent back and forth dialogue that could make for some good comedy.

The visuals lack here since this is a dialogue heavy script. I was hoping for maybe a few sight gags with the blind guy fiddling with things in the cockpit.

Good effort.

Tough topic and genre.

Writing mechanics solid.

There were a few chuckles from me. The premise is real solid - with more time the lines would be funnier.

For me - You slide by your opponent by a slight margin

Hilarious that this entire multi-person conversation is taking place over a radio.

Pretty absurd, but that's a good thing in my opinion.

No real issues with the writing itself, just some tiny stuff not worth mentioning.

Writing 3.5/5
Story 3/5

Total - 3.25

Solid comedy premise. It really doesn't make sense they would send in a team to capture their own agent for a mission. Yet, I'm drawing a blank on how else you would start this. Perhaps you had the same problem. Anyways, the blindness was a good touch and gave it a decent ending.

This was crazy funny.  Even a shock at the agent being blind.  

I don't know the rules for this, but I plan to read each duel back to back and rank them.

For me this one was the better story and execution of the parameters.

Dan

I liked the premise and I think with a rev or two (re: the banter) it could really pay off. So ridiculous that logic can't really be a consideration. I'd like to see more side-bar conversation where they neglect the true issue.

Good work. Clean it up and re-post when all the dust settles.

Agree with most of what's been said.

A bit on the nose throughout. But, I liked the premise and most of the execution. This script feels like a really good start. I'd love to see what you could do with it, given more time.

Good job, especially given the tough assignment and short window.

Some decent funny moments.  This one has a story, fantastical though it may be. Agree that the ending doesn't really pay off. But nice job by the writer.

You guys got dealt a pretty shit hand with this topic.

Again the comedy falls a bit flat. It was okay. Will be a tough choice between this and your competitor.

The writing is solid so no real issues there.

Very funny. These two would be the toughest choice for me. I don't even know what to do with you.
Yours probably. I kind of was rooting to this blind guy too much.
But the other one is very good as well.

The ending reads weird here. It's like instead of ending you opened it up for another topic. At least it reads this way.

You did a good job for this topic.

An easy read.

I would have put Jenkins as V.O.

I like the story, I don't think it's a great ending, but the setup was strong.

Despite my comedy tin ear there were a couple of lines made me chuckle!

This was funny. The dialogue was great and had me chuckling. I didn't really care for the ending, and I was kind of confused as to how it was supposed to be shot. You have a slug of LATER but are we still in the sky? How are we hearing the Air Traffic Controller and Charlie? The coffee line at the very end read more like a sitcom line, except it wasn't as funny as the rest of the dialogue (or really funny at all) but I suppose it was a good way to end such a short script.

This wasn't a laugh out loud funny for me unlike the other one but your story overall is more tighter and your writing is better.

Comedy is never an easy genre.

Good job

Missed It by That Much

Short notes: Put a secret agent in a fighter jet and making it funny, check. To me, hardest topic after - only lying in a supermarket. Of course the goal here should be to produce a sketch or something that can be done with a jet cabin and green screen. Then the exterior shots of twirling jet etc could be made by some cgi guys in that trashy but self-aware way as they usually do it in those evening/night comedy shows. So, partly very funny. Protag works very well. Only negative was that you had two people on the radio talking from the off. You produce a lot of jokes from it, well-crafted, but I have my personal opinion about too much passive style triggered screenwriting where you paint a picture from somewhere else through words instead of having it in front, live. However, cannot expect much more here regarding the subject and, well, making it funny same time. Also liked the stupidity of the ending. It's absolutely how you go out of those kind of flicks. Now back to Jimmy Fallon…

story (0-5): 3

character (0-5): 4

presentation (0-5): 4

total: 11