Making America Great Again (was Crisis in the Red Room) by Darren Seeley (DarrenJamesSeeley) writing as Secret Service Man - Short, Horror - As a bizarre monster lays siege to the Oval Office, a Secret Service Agent and a tourist take temporary refuge in one of the rooms. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

Pretty unfocused, gory killing stuff, and a muck monster grown from Trump's hair. Dialogue a little otn in spots. Overall, not terrible, but it's a silly piece, and I'm pretty certain not the best of the bunch. But good effort for the time allowed!

Steve

A tongue-in-cheek monster film, like something from the 60s. The writing is off in places and the story is average.


Writing: 3
Story: 2.5

Total: 2.75

The wig bit seemed out of place as was the dialogue surrounding it. I'm all for the blood and carnage though. Good visuals of dead tourists in the hallways.

Some typos and clunky writing here and there, but decent effort.

The wig scene was funny but you did not build up to it. Instead you told of whoever, brought in different characters for the reasons unknown to me...

In a way as a mindless slasher it's good as it's exactly what it is and seemingly what you want it to be. I may even guess who the writer is and I bed I'd make a correct guess. I know you love writing slashers that's what you do time and time over.
I'm not a slasher person, so I might go with my tastes when it comes to choosing between the entries.  

Typo in the first couple lines!

Bit of a cliche using the whole "stay calm" back and forth, but whatever.

Not sure that blood spatter analogy works.

I find the bit about the wig absurdly hilarious, especially considering the fact no one even bats an eye. It's like "oh, of course that's where it came from."

Writing - 3/5
Story - 4/5

Total - 3.5

It's okay.

Other than a few typos the writing is solid.

Don't like the ton shift. We're seeing some pretty serious stuff, it's getting real intense and THEN - into the wig jokes. Was disruptive for me.  Created an inconsistent tone.

That being said - there is solid craftsmanship here.

Needs work. Lots of talking which comes off as padding since it doesn't develop the story. just two people we know or care little about hiding in the White House fighting off a muck monster of all things. Nothing much else to it than that.

Maybe a last minute entry but a little creativity would help this immensely. A much monster sounds about as bland as can be. There are no twists. No witty one liners.

I'll take Fake News anyday. ;)

Hmm. Another Trump reference that wasn’t really needed. Writing was ok. Prolly a tough topic I guess.
Not a fan of either one but this will get my vote I suppose.

Other than a handful of obvious typos (see pg.2/2nd paragraph), the writing here is generally crisp, clear, and to-the-point. I like that.

Story: like its competitor, it's yet another Trump skit, though this one plays more like a tongue-in-cheek monster flick as opposed to a spoof, which I can appreciate. The wig thing made me laugh.

This was a bit all-over-the-place, but a pretty good effort given the parameters. There's humor, as there would be with a premise like this, but it does not overpower the assigned genre too much.

I assume the wig belongs to Donald?  And is Drake the rapper?

I would use parenthesis more often, for example when Jill was trying to say be quiet, I can imagine she was whispering, but that's a guess.

I see the horror, I didn't really see the humour, I imagine it's slapstick.

Not bad overall.

I thought it was better than the other story.

However, it was still pretty bland.  No real beginning, middle or end, more like an opening scene trailer to get people interested in the movie.

SPOILERS

So, we are to assume that the red hot poker (from a fireplace that wasn't on, but, that's okay) was fatal to the muck monster?  

I'd like to know more about the monster.  Instead of a mindless killing brute, why?  Is it that hungry, pregnant perhaps??

Dan

The hallway sounds more like a Jackson Pollock painting to me.

SPOILERS

Using the hairpiece is fine as a gag, but there was no foreshadowing or lead-up, other than Unnecessary Guy having foreknowledge of it for no reason.

I agree it would have been nice to give the muck monster some vestigial motivation. Maybe it started out pale (though blood-splattered) and got more orange each time it ate. Then the reveal at the end makes a bit more sense.

A few typos here and there, but the writing is pretty solid otherwise... I just didn't really buy the premise, felt like the joke came first... and of course some might opine that there's already a monster under that wig ;-)

just weighing in before I vote. Pretty standard gory stuff. Tough category though, really hard to make anything but camp out of these parameters. For me it's missing a point. It can be over the top and weird and comical, however I still want a reason that this monster exists.

Hmmm... I just didn't care about anyone in this or the story itself. The outlier wig joke in the middle really threw me and it never reeled me back in. I kept hoping for something big to want me to like this more but it just didn't strike me. The extra blank page tacked on the end of this almost got an immediate DQ. I'm glad I checked.

Crisis In The Red Room

Short notes: "Picassos and Rembrants of splatter": A kind of aside/comparison that I actually accept on the page (@ spell check gives me Rembrandt btw). It showed you identified with the sickness needed to write that topic in proper manner. Then however there are too many characters for me, no real outstanding protagonist either. A lot of off screen noise this and that. Jill's repetitive dialogue slows down the plot. There was some atmosphere lurking from behind that was spot on. But all this out there, talk about what happens/did happen elsewhere, combined with all the actual location transitions, prevented it from being a coherent piece in my eyes.

story (0-5): 2

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 2

total: 6

Quoted from khamanna I may even guess who the writer is and I bed I'd make a correct guess. I know you love writing slashers that's what you do time and time over.

Actually Kham, I hate writing slashers. Not because I'm opposed to it or because it seems to be the calling card, but rather that I've been to that well once too often and wind up repeating old gags. I did find the 48hr deadline challenging, but I found myself going back to the well.

While extra time was permitted, I didn't start re-thinking my entry until Monday. That's normal, I always take a day or two to re access a script I've done in whole or in part.

I've decided to give it a rewrite. The wig is out.
There will be more..stuff
and a title change.

I'm not big on Prez bashing, regardless of who is in office, but I could not resist a wig joke or a subliminal gag on the creature's origins (at least in this draft) and also in recent months while I don't care for some women airing dirty laundry with a smile, that phone call from Prez Trump to Putin the other day made me think that I should have spelled it out that, yes, we did elect a muck monster into office and he does devour everything in sight and people get fired or quit almost on a daily rotation.

Quoted from PrussianMosby   too many characters

I counted four. Six if you include two dead characters. A bakers dozen if you include the rest of the dead and dying in the hallway.  ;D

Anyway, I flipped a coin and it came up heads so I am rewriting this. I just haven't decided on a new title yet. I'd like to thank all who voted, not just for me but also for Warren, who did a good job.

I think this is the best thing you've ever written. I don't remember ever giving your work a score as high as 3/5 before.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I think this is the best thing you've ever written. I don't remember ever giving your work a score as high as 3/5 before.

One of the reasons why I'm revising it., even though I think I've done better and with similar themes. Sure, those scripts might not be set in The White House, The Senate Floor or the Pentagon, but it is, by definition:

a) two or more characters trapped in a single location or area
b) killer, movie monster etc.  among them and/or hunting them outside.

I also usually show restraint in carnage type scenes. Not that I don't like them, but because if overdone it can get repetitive and i fthe visual gets to the point, there's no need to dwell on the rest. Readers might be eating lunch.

Then again, one fellas trash is another person's art I 'spose.
Thanks for your input.

Good luck Darren.  This was a fun read.

Dan

I have submitted the rewrite,
There IS a title change. It will be "Making America Great Again"
It'll also be up on Script Rev.

it's expanded to 9 pages.

...and it's here.

The wig joke is still in, but it is under a different circumstance. It is not the origin of the monster. The monster's origin and how it got to the Capital are in a new opening and/or the "new" four pages.
I hope folks give a re-read or a  chance if they haven't read the previous version,, but considering that the new batch of MM will be up soon, it's understandable if it does not happen right away.

The script is also up at Script Revolution.

Hi Darren,

Thought I'd check out the revised draft.

Quoted Text covered head to foot in blood sprinkles

I think you need a better word than sprinkles. Maybe drops or droplets. When I see the work sprinkles I think of fairy bread, or kids doing arts and crafts. It doesn’t go with the mood you’re trying to set.

Quoted Text lifts her head first to her

lifts her, head first, to her... reads much better.

Quoted Text HECTOR Let’s get it on bitch!

Let's get it on, bitch!

Quoted Text KAY Sorry Hector.

Sorry, Hector.     Comma required whenever addressing someone directly in dialogue.

Can turn the character CONT'D's off in your software, they aren’t required.

Quoted Text hand in hand with a woman

Woman needs to be capitalised as it's a character introduction.

Quoted Text Spits it out, ends it flying.

Not sure what I'm looking at here.

Quoted Text MAN’S VOICE (hallway) Son of a bitch shoot the thing!

Better written as MAN'S VOICE (O.S.), without the wrylie.

It’s a blood bath for sure.

The writing could use a general clean up. Some format and grammar issues throughout.

Story wise, I'm not sure how much the new beginning really adds.

All the best.