Pre-scheduled by Thomas Edison - Short, Sci Fi - A man with an unmatched hate against machines meets the one that will change his mind. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well written for the most part, the 4th of July seems very much tacked on.

It was an enjoyable read. The writer obviously has talent.

PRE-SCHEDULED
The sun peaks its head is a bit weird wording IMO
1st paragraph typo ‘of of’
Twain..LOVE the character name
Typos throughout
This is ‘ok’ I think it needs some work. I do like your dialogue and I do like your Twain character.

Well done. Interesting story. Great characters.

Quite a few typos, but you'll clean those up.

Good job.

The sun peaks its head to greet the empty vastness, illuminating its red beauty. Its early threads of of light creep down the high walls of the valley to reveal an abandoned, rusted --

This isn't bad aside from obvious repeated word typo, but despite a poetic slant to it that's obviously intentional, it could still be tightened. There is a certain redundancy to it. If I were to rewrite it, it'd be something like:

The sun peaks its head to greet the empty vastness. Early threads of light creep down the high valley walls to reveal an abandoned, rusted --

The first robot's introduction should probably be in CAPS if it qualifies as a character.

Also, typo/grammar error: sixy-years-old should be either sixty year-old or sixty years old (the former is probably better). There similar typos and grammatical errors like this scattered throughout the whole thing, and all of them are varying degrees of obvious. Honestly, a 5-pager shouldn't have so many, even when one considers the time limit.

I expected typos within the time-frame, but there's an absolute plethora of them here, and they're constant as well as consistent.

The descriptions are lengthy, but lack fluidity, using punctuation sparsely or inconsistently to the point where the big action sequence with the octopus is hard to read.

Twain probably shouldn't be initially introduced as The Figure, because there's no pay-off to it in a 5-pager. Instead, you have 2 intros for the same character in a span of a page.

That's my general advice on the writing. The writer is free to do what they will with it. As for the story, it's a sci-fi/action piece, but I can't say I quite understand the world that the writer was building with it, or what its rules were. This isn't necessarily a bad thing in such a short script, but without a clear picture of the world and the motivations of its characters, I was left feeling like I'd watched a spectacle in the same way I enjoy a fireworks show: pretty, but with little to it.

That, coupled with the quality of the writing, makes it one of the weaker entries for me so far. That said, there's definitely the germ of a good idea in there somewhere.

This one for me executed the topic as requested.

A good story overall.  I especially enjoyed the beginning.

This feels like a strange coincidence for me as I told wrote a script on Elon Musk & Nikola Tesla just last month, although that was a spec script for Rick and Morty.

P.s. nice touch using Thomas Edison as the writer, Nikola's rival.

I really enjoyed the dialog here and I think you can expand it into a feature.
Two boys out on an adventure in the wild wild world.
I think it could be great.

Mr. Twain - the name is intentional I think. I would read something like this.

What is it with robots everytime someone is given sci-fi as a genre lol?  Pretty well written though I kept thinking of the video game Destiny.

Quite a few typos throughout though the story was pretty enjoyable.
I was getting a terminator 2 vibe with the older model robot up against the newer one.

As an Electrician,  Nikola is a hero of mine... Edison is not :D

Good writing and good dialogue.

This must be the story that was submitted late b/c it doesn't show up on the vs sheet.

So, shouldn't we have to vote on it?

I thought it was okay.  

Let me put it a different way.  It's a cool idea.  I don't think the execution was equal to the story, which others have said.  But, you do have a cool idea.

I can't really add much.

Dan

Code The sun peaks its head to greet the empty vastness, illuminating its red beauty.

Suns don't have a head.

It also reads awkwardly. Is the sun illuminating the red beauty of the empty vastness? It needs restructuring. But kudos for having a go.

Code Its early threads of of light creep down the high walls of the valley to reveal an abandoned, rusted --

Good.

Code Twain puts his piss-pistol back in his pants.

Not good.

Code TWAIN It's payback time.

Ew.


Yoo much action for action sake. No story here that I can see.

Writing: 2

Story: 1

1.5

This reminds of stories in the sci-fi pulp magazines in the 1930s and 1940s. I can just see the cover art: action inside the bus, the octo-monster, the robot. For that reason, I like it.

Pre-Scheduled

Short notes: This is loaded with indirect language. No clue why you encode your words into such prose. It doesn't work in favor of your moving picture rather directs the focus toward you. This definitely spoiled the fun for me, completely. Imo you should delete a huuuge amount of metaphors. They are everywhere. It's no fun for me this way, sorry, just my opinion.

story (0-5): 1

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 1

total: 4

Thought the noirish feel was good. A little too many attempts at creating an atmosphere that fell a bit flat. Lots of tense errors and typos so it was obviously finished at the last minute. That said, decent job in a category where both writers went for kind of the same thing, however I think this one told a bit more of a story with less exposition.

I really like the possibilities in this story. I can see this world you created and those who inhabit it.

BUT....

The dialogue from Twain in my opinion was really bad. Didn't flow. The action descriptions felt very novel-ish to me. Like you're writing prose instead of direct visible action.

Finally the 4th of July bit really does feel tacked on. I would have liked to have seen it been incorporated a little differently.

I would love to see this story expanded on though, feature length. A post apocalyptic I-Robot.

I'd like to see where this one goes. It's a good thing to leave me wanting more, so good job with what was submitted. Not much to do with the fourth of July except the mentioning. Revisit this and let's see where you take it.

This wasn't terrible and despite the imaginative setting, nothing really stood out at me. It's sci-fi with killer robots and that's about all. Again, wasn't terrible and some parts were decent, but I think the 5 page limit kills you as you need more page to expand  on this. We are just thrust into this world with no rhyme or reason and it's missing just a little something to make it great.

This was a close call between the two scripts in the "category". Closest for me. Good job.