Your celebration is an anniversary. The number you have drawn is 1. This is your body count (1 person must die). Non-genre specific. 8 pages max.

The DeSoto Buzzer by 0 - Short, Drama - The anniversary of a national bass-tournament victory is cause for celebration, but one species doesn't see it that way -- so to speak.

Wedding Anniversary by 0 - Short, Drama - A woman visits her husband in prison for their anniversary.

THE DESOTO BUZZER

This was a drama? Read more like comedy. Anyway, just got way too confusing with pontoon boats and hot tubs, if I'm reading correctly. Way too many characters for me to keep track of, which seems pointless because you needed only one death. How many Hibdons are there in this family anyway?

PRISON ANNIVERSARY

A warden hands out cupcakes, then shanks a prisoner? Then, after the script should have ended, Gary and Desire are eating a sandwich and he kinda forces her to eat it? Now, she's having second thoughts here about what happened. Sorry, I'm just a bit lost with what's going on here. There must have been a better way to tie all this up.

Prison Anniversary

This was decent, kept me reading. Strong dialogue, particularly from Bobbie, he had a real understated sinisterness to him. I wondered if what we learn about his actions are completely true though or just Desire's version of events. Because that's all we get really. Is there something more calculating going on? Gary was a fucking marine for carrying out what he did. I wondered about his motivation too, does he have feelings for Desire? Why would he take on such a perilous task unless the money was substantial...but Desire doesn't seem like a wealthy person.

His pushiness toward Desire to denounce Bobbie hinted at some greater investment on his part than just a hired gun. I detected a controlling individual, a manipulator. She is probably forever indebted to him now in his eyes. You have to fear for Desire if she goes from Bobby into Gary's arms. Is it a frying pan/fire type scenario? Gary is evidently prepared to kill so who knows what he's capable of. Just speculating here, I could be way off. This could just be a righteous revenge tale and nothing more.

Either way, meeting like this in a public place isn't wise after what's gone down.

The last line could be clipped I reckon, too direct. Could it be something more conflicted as Desire is clearly torn by what she's done? Yes Bobbie sounds like an abusive pig better out of her life but she clearly still has some feelings for him. The cookie was an effective totem to represent her moving on. Perhaps the line could reflect that...the moving on I mean, not the cookie ;)

Anyway, good job

Col.

The DeSoto Buzzer

Writer may have accidentally selected Drama genre when submitting but this definitely reads more like a comedy. I know nothing about bass fishing but I managed to keep track of everything.

But the end seemed to come out of nowhere and felt hurried and why is Denny dead, if we're supposed to believe that the fish got him then it seems very unlikely as a 10lb fish isn't actually that big.  

Wedding/Prison Anniversary

Which is it title wise?

You call Gary the warden, but I think you meant warder - big difference...

Cupcakes, then he stabs him in a secret hiding place... in a prison - seems unlikely, and unless the prison has no other inmates surely they'd be people around?

The ending seemed a little forced, felt a little like the Killer Joe homage?

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Wedding/Prison Anniversary Which is it title wise? You call Gary the warden, but I think you meant warder - big difference...

The writer asked for it to be changed.

Also, the warden is the person who runs a prison.

Two stories and IMO, neither was a clear winner.  

SPOILERS

So, in the first one, she died??  It wasn't clearly stated, unless I missed it.  I found it (the fishing story) confusing.

Story 2 took a long time to get going.  And the ending seemed insane.  

This is gonna be hard, but, I think I'm going with 2.

Dan

Regarding both scripts: They skirted the edges of the parameters a bit by placing the event (anniversary party) at really non-anniversary venues.  To the point really where the anniversary itself felt forced – could have been any event (e.g., two astronauts going into space celebrate their anniversary – the space-ship blows up). Moving on:

Desotto Buzzer

Technically – solid writing.

A real nit issue – but I would have liked to know where the Ancarrow River was located (country/state-wise) from the start.  It’s an obscure river – either let us know where it is or use something like backwoods country river.

Character descriptions -  in general-  could have used a little more pop – mostly focuses on clothes they were wearing. Accurate – yes, but a little unimaginative.

Dialogue was fine.

Am a bit lost as to how the poor bastard who gets it in the end is selected story wise – could have been any of them and it wouldn’t made a difference.  i.e., the reason for his death is…? Also found the eye thing a distraction. Really no need for it – the challenge between the fisherman and the bass is enough – have the fish in the water – tangled somehow – arrogant victim diving in to get him loses the battle. i.e., it’s man vs. fish – good enough – no loose eyeball needed.

Lot of other things to like – all in all a pretty good effort for the time allowed.

Prison Anniversary

In addition to opening comment re: parameters of the challenge – this one really stretches them.  The actual anniversary celebration is such a small part of the story .
Technically  - format wise et al – fine/solid.

I found some of the dialogue too OTN – all characters are sharing details for our sake – i.e., they’re exchanging information that they both would already know.

The premise – although could have been executed better – is a good one.

De Soto - I'm a fly fisherman and I wanted to like this. So confusing. Unnecessary detail and so many characters. Anniversary was certainly just a mention. Not really funny or dramatic.

Prison - Another story where I just don't care about anyone. I thought there might be some big reveal with a foot-long and the cup cake stand but then it just ended weak. Blah.

Writers are really making this challenging for the voters.

The DeSoto Buzzer had a logline that implied the fish were getting their revenge. Presumably Denny knows how to swim, so something "fishy" happened. Unfortunately, it's not explained.

I could have done without the eyeball thing. Could have been some valuable doodad that floats which lured him into the water where the fish could get him.

In Wedding Anniversary, the celebration could have been made pivotal to the plot (getting Bob to trust Gary). As currently written, the anniversary is tangential to the actual story because Desire used trial prep as her pretense to get Bob and Gary together.

The exact location of the shanking seems odd, but it had to be able to take place somewhere shankings are a fairly regular occurrence.

Gary does seem to think he has a future with Desire. She'll eventually need to have some PTSD'd Green Beret off Gary, then a professional hitman to off the Green Beret, then Tom with his DeSoto Buzzer to off the hitman...

The DeSoto Buzzer - amazing choice of subject. I was engrossed by the characters and detail about fly fishing to the extent that i forgot someone was going to die lol! Anyway it was an interesting little script

Prison Anniversary - this was the first one i read and was immediately struck at how the extra page limit diluted the effect of the story. After the death, it meandered on with exposition and OTN dialogue. But overall it was planned pretty well just needed a better execution.

Buzzer: Can't quite decide what to make of this one. So many of the characters were completely unnecessary. And, I found the manner of the death to be confusing. Troubling, since this is the main story point. However, I was curious through the read, wondering where you were going. That's a good thing.

Prison Anniv: Am I the only one thrown by the odd weight given to the size of their sandwiches? I kept wondering how the food was relevant... waiting for it to have some significant meaning. But, I didn't see any. Felt like the anniversary aspect was forced (even to the point that the writer discounts it. "Not even our real anniversary.")

Anyway, this is a tough choice, as both scripts had their highlights, and both had their problems.

The DeSoto Buzzer


A script about fishing, my most hated of all past times. Hopefully it can hold my attention.

So much fishing talk, not loving it.

Well that took a turn for the worsts, maybe too much so that the eye scene will feel really out of place. You went from a boring fishing story to Hostel in one sentence.

So Denny dies, but why? Makes little, to no sense. Was he a bad swimmer? Why didn’t he just come back up for air?

I didn’t enjoy that at all.

The writing is quite good and the dialogue is well handled, clearly one of the better writers, but the story wasn’t for me.

Wedding Anniversary

The title can definitely use a touch up.

Quoted Text Nigerian accent.

I could never pick a Nigerian accent.

Quoted Text half-foot long

Six inch? Is the size important?

The anniversary is really light on. I didn’t enjoy this either but you will get my vote.

Writing isn’t bad, but the dialogue could use some work.

I have a theory as to the significance of the length references, but will have to wait until we're officially guessing writers.

The DeSoto Buzzer
I liked it quite a bit. Nice characterizations and I really liked the atmosphere you created.
I've seen "The River Runs Through It" - themed around fly-fishing. It's an artful sport and I loved the movie. They are villagers though in that one, yours is set in the modern world. And the people here are well off.
You constructed the setting so well it felt like watching the movie. I chuckled to myself quite a few times - these people are full of themselves.
And I could appreciate the irony of the unexpected.

Anniversary
I couldn't connect here, sorry, writer. Desiree (double "ee"). Some interesting choices here like Gary is Nigerian.

Wedding Anniversary -- Nice work on this one. The writer turned a complex inmate-wife dynamic into a smooth, interesting read that wasn't at all predictable.

DeSoto Buzzer -- I like the situation here: four bass-fishing people and one fly-fisherman with his high-falutin' gear. And Uncle Denny, picking on the fly-guy boyfriend, getting drunk, grabbing the fly rod and messing up a fun time. I guess he drowned while trying to make things right? Tangled up in the line under the ship?


Tough choice.

Hm, these felt a bit rushed but there's things to like about both. Guess I'm going with DeSoto as it was a bit different in terms of subject matter. Haven't seen many drunken fly fishing deaths.

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

Another script that completely breaks the parameters. Only half the script is set at the celebration which is marked by the barest of elements (cupcakes). The death does not occur at the celebration. This is a much better story than the other script, however it wasn't written as well. Dialogue is a bit OTN and expository. Not a great flow here.

THE DESOTO BUZZER

Written competently. Anniversary? I guess, if you define it as the day on which a prior event occurred. This writer obviously wrote what they know. Lots of inside jargon that I did not find interesting, which we have to get through before we see the eyeball come out.

The Desoto Buzzer

You spend 3 pages to establish the characters and the vague situation. Now you need a firework to justify that decision.

Well, I liked the details about a subject I don't know. The tone completely shifted then. It wasn't a coherent piece for me.

The Wedding Anniversary

This was good. A bit over-executed, you could get rid of some stuff and handle it shorter. However, there were some emotions and dramatic beats at play and an overall well-working structure.


The former was interesting in case of getting some fresh aspects from a topic that I don't know; the latter had the story under control and kept the focus. I choose Wedding

The only nail biter of this round.

DeSoto Buzzer - An anniversary could be of ANYTHING. And you chose a Bassmaster tournament????

Very overwritten for so little to be actually happening.

What is a DeSoto Buzzer? I don't fish.

Skimming cause it's just been people chattering away on a fishing boat about fishing. Just looking to see how the death will happen.

Inez looses an eye, Denny jumps in after it, never comes back up? Huh? Well that escalated quickly.

Wedding Anniversary - Too much backstory you are trying to cram in too fast. Prison, cupcakes, anniversaries, lawyers, sisters, transfers.

What? So Desi and Bob are married. Gary is the prison warden. Gary kills Bob in jail? For Desi? Now Gary and Desi are hooking up? I'm confused.

Not a fan of either.

Wedding Anniversary: To start with I think you mean 'toothpick not 'chopstick' otherwise he's got something awfully big between his teeth.

Her name is Desire? Probably Desirée?

They share only a 'glance' and the war is over. They'd have to share some kind of silent communication or meaningful look, not just a glance, surely?

He smirks, she knows he’s talking about. She presses her lips
tight, turns away to leave.

'...she knows he's talking about...'
You frequently leave out connecting words - 'what' he's talking about.

'You should eat something now that
it’s all in the past. '

Suggestion: 'You should eat something. (The nightmare is over. Or: He can't hurt you anymore.)

Should be: Ma'am

'You say what I told you to. '
Suggestion: C'mon, repeat after me Or: Repeat what I said.

Bite at it. Come on.
Suggestion: Come on. Take a bite. Or:  Go on. Take a bite.

You need a wrylie inserted (signaling waitress) towards the end.
Okay, I'll stop the suggestions now.

Ooh, I thought with him pushing the Sub on her he was going to poison her.
But no, just one body count required.

This one's got some probs but I like the vibe and the characters were nicely defined. I really liked Desirée and the whole cup-cake/sub thing. It gets my vote over -

The De Soto Buzzer

This one started well, piqued my interest, got a little hum-drum and I started scanning, then turned gory fast with the eyeball pop.

This one is sure nipntuck

The Desoto Buzzer...

Very well written. I didn't read carefully as overwriting usually leaps out at me instantly, but none did. I just feel the story is a little weak. Nothing ties up. It needs something else.

Writing: 4.5 (perhaps some words used to help with the tone)

Story: 2

3.25

Wedding Anniversary

Code As bare as can be.

I'm assuming you don't mean the inmates, but this isn't strictly true as there are benches. There would also be a CCTV camera somewhere, possibly covered by a thick perspex screen to prevent it being damaged.

This isn't as well written as the other one.

Code Desire stands, straightens her dress and follows Gary into the meeting room, where a few men in orange prison jumpsuits talk to their parties.

This wasn't clear to me on first read. Here we call them visiting rooms. It also isn't descriptive enough. I can't see this room as you do.

The writing is a real drag in this. It lacks flow. Low score for the writing, so I'm going to concentrate on story.

Code He smirks, she knows he’s talking about.

Completely lost me.

Code Gary places the knife back into his sub. He pushes Bob’s body further away from the view, looks around before he walks out from behind the booth.

Yeah, that may be a blind spot, but what about all the spots covered by CCTV on the way in and out of the spot. Wouldn't take much to put two and two together.

That was not good.

Writing 1.5
Story 1.5

1.5

The other is a clear winner.

I think there's a bit of bullshite going on around here with some of these votes.

How do you figure that?

Quoted from LC How do you figure that?

People voting for their friends.

Quoted from DustinBowcot People voting for their friends.

I disagree.  I have no clue who wrote what.  And people might have voted on a variety of parameters.  Unless you liked fishing, you could have lost interest and voted for the other because you didn't lose interest.

People could have felt that the fish story didn't follow the parameters in what they considered for the anniversary and the death.

Sometimes the story that's written better might have so many strikes against it loses too much ground to another story.

Hey, everyone.

Sorry you lost time on reading my entry as I'm outing myself. Which means I'm out. I think DeSoto Buzzer would make it but the entries have been strangely close (what have you guys been reading, man)

I feel like DeSoto is far more superior to mine. I just submitted to be a good sport. Chances are DeSoto would score higher but I'm about to go to bed and can't take that chance.

Thanks for reading and sorry I guess for your time.

Dustin, you're so onto me.

I asked only like 7 or 8 don't know where the rest came from.

Okay, so it Kham's out logic dictates (look at me being all Sherlock Holmesy) that Stump wrote this.

I have a bit of an issue here. I don't have a problem commenting on my own script, I've done it in the past and will continue to do it in the future.

Does seem a bit strange to use the opportunity to clear up some plot points in an attempt to make the story more clear for future readers. I think one of the issues is how well a reader understands your script without being feed the details. Just putting a question mark after the statements doesn't make them any less telling.

It's like my questions about why Denny died are being answered.

Also a funny thing to note is that you gave you're own script a bigger review than any other script in the challenge, most of them only worthy of one line, for one pairing they had to share the same one line.

For the record I went with your script, Kham and don't think it would have been unreasonable for it to go through. It was a close race for a reason.

Quoted from Stumpzian DeSoto Buzzer -- I like the situation here: four bass-fishing people and one fly-fisherman with his high-falutin' gear. And Uncle Denny, picking on the fly-guy boyfriend, getting drunk, grabbing the fly rod and messing up a fun time. I guess he drowned while trying to make things right? Tangled up in the line under the ship?

Quoted from Warren Does seem a bit strange to use the opportunity to clear up some plot points in an attempt to make the story more clear for future readers. I think one of the issues is how well a reader understands your script without being feed the details. Just putting a question mark after the statements doesn't make them any less telling. It's like my questions about why Denny died are being answered. Also a funny thing to note is that you gave you're own script a bigger review than any other script in the challenge, most of them only worthy of one line, for one pairing they had to share the same one line.

I've noticed in comments on several scripts that people make superficial, shoot-from-the hip comments when it's clear from what they say that they haven't read closely or made any real attempt to grasp what's happening or why.
Then there are the pissy comments, which in some cases are made by writers whose own scripts have been criticized.
As for "clearing up plot points," I didn't. Denny's actual cause of death is not specified in the script. All we know is that he, after having had too much bourbon, stayed down too long and never came up.  The other items in my comments only repeated what is made very clear in the script.
To know what I said about various scripts, I take it that you went looking. Maybe you're mad because I didn't like your script?
Henry

Quoted from Stumpzian Maybe you're mad because I didn't like your script? Henry

Lots of people didn't like my script, and from the comments I think I got a lot of votes just because they disliked mine less.

Quoted from FrankM I have a theory as to the significance of the length references, but will have to wait until we're officially guessing writers.

Officially waaaaaay off on my theory. I thought it was RJP or CameronD as some reference to the sandwich sizes at Subway, obliquely referenced with the title "Eat Fresh." (RJP wrote it, Cam explained it)

No way… No way… Kham! Sorry but the de Soto eyeyball thing is going nowhere.
Wedding was far superior. What's going on here....

Did you out yourself cause you didn't want to write in the next round, Kham?

Very naughty.

Mind you, the vote is still close. You may still have to...

The fishing one wasn't for me.  Took too long to get anywhere for not much of a payoff.

I prefer the prison one.  Lots of dialogue, made for a quick read.  It was kinda two stories in one.