Your celebration is a Prom. The number you have drawn is 3. This is your body count (3 people must die). Non-genre specific. 8 pages max.

The Prom-ise of Love by Sappy love songs - Short, Drama - Make-a-Wish grants a prom in the middle of October for twins suffering from a terminal illness.

Prom Night by 0 - Short, Adventure - A nerd tries desperately to tell his crush something important on prom night.

The Prom-ise of Love

Writing is great. No issues there.

I have a feeling I know who this belongs to, and I generally like their work, even love it, if I'm right. So it pains me to say, but what the F was that? If one of the parameters was to include as many cringe worthy lines as possible, well you nailed it! I was laughing out loud by page five, it was just too much. Sorry but you laid it on way too thick.

The writing may save this if the other script isn't good.

Sorry!

Prom Night

That title page hits you like a sucker punch!

Quoted Text This is the bedroom of a 10 year old-- either that or a nerdy teen that’s still waiting for puberty.

Well which is it? You're telling the story. This redundant line blows your action block out to 6 lines for absolutely no reason. Considering you went a full 9 pages, this would be something to cut.

I'm only on page 2 and there have been so many asides already, I use them and don't mind them when used sparingly but you had a maximum page count and they just aren't adding to the story, at least not the visual one.

The tone of this is all over the place.

It sort of leaves you hanging in the sense that did 3 people die or not? We have to assume yes for you to meet the criteria, but I'm not really sure that's what you want us to think.

The type of story is well trodden, did this one bring anything new? Not really.

I think you could have made the 8 pages, I'm not going to penalise you for going over because it is allowed but I don't think it was necessary.

This is going to be a tough choice as neither script screams winner.

The Prom-ise of Love - This read like a sappy W network movie. The dialogue was very cringe worthy and seemed like the writer desperately was trying to pull some kind of emotion for these characters. I'm sorry to say that the writing made me not feel much for the girls. The exchange between the teacher and the mother specifically was lacking subtlety or even a sense of realness. I don't think people talk like this.

The Golden Umbrella to me is ripped off of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, for the exact same reason. It was a Protector Award. I unintentionally laughed when they each slumped in their chairs one after the other. Maybe I'm a robot, but this did not do it for me.


Prom Night - So the day reset when she dies but we follow someone else? Interesting but confusing take on it I think.

It is a very cliched story with a nostalgic early 90's vibe. Nothing in the story was surprising which is a bummer, given the direction you were taking it.

Prom-ise of Love - Some OTN dialog (Are you fighting cancer?) and not a lot of surprise. With the set-up, knowing that three must die, it's expected. It is a complete arc, so I'll give it that.

Prom Night - Another Groundhog Day/ Happy Death Day? This could work but there are so many gaps that leave me wondering what's going on. If this was a 15-20 page challenge, you might have pulled it off. I'll admit, COWABUNGA is a much better morning wake up than I Got You Babe.

The Prom-ise of Love is an "eck" play on words.  

No conflict, dialog pretty bad, predictable ending.  I think I'm a diabetic now due to all the damn sugar in this script.  I mean, all sweetness, but with a bad bitter aftertaste.  However, it did meet the parameters.

Prom night on the other hand, IMO, doesn't meet the parameters.

First off, 9 pages.  And not just 1 or 2 lines, but, well into page 9.

Was there a true death?

SPOILERS

He sees a car accident where this girl and her idiotic BF die.  That's 2, are we to assume the driver of the other car also dies?  Does the other car have only 1 person in it??

The Prom barely has any time spent in it.  

Too much over-writing.  

This is a really hard choice.  Both scripts have serious flaws.  I'll go with the one that at least met the parameters - The Prom-ise of Love

Dan

Going to be a tough vote for me as I thought both of these were just okay - flawed.

Promise of Love

Quoted Text A warm breeze blows leaves in mid-transformation past

Leaves in mid-transformation? A bit much – browning?

Quoted Text TEACHER They told me that more deserving people needed those whishes. You raised those girls fine, Brenda.

Wishes

Quoted Text MEDICAL PERSON (tending to Gina) We’re losing her. I got a DEATH RATTLE in her lungs

Not a natural line at all.

Overall, the dialogue laid it on way too thick for me – like being forced fed the sorrow and I had a hard time buying the odds of all of them succumbing at the same time.

Prom Night

Not a real creative title.

A bit overdone with the asides.

Passive writing in many places. E.g.,

Quoted Text Charlie is sweating profusely and chugging air.

Better as:

Charlie sweats profusely, chugs air.

Quoted Text CHARLIE 3 people are going to die if you walk out that door! Don’t you get that? Should be three – not 3.

Overall – a bit disjointed for me.  Also felt that the amount of time spent at the party was not enough given the parameters.

The Prom-ise of Love

Sorry, the setup is too Hallmark channel for me and the dialogue too OTN.

CF life expectancies are much better these days and most CF sufferers don't need wheelchairs so that felt a little off.

The coincidence of them all passing at the same time was a bridge too far for me.  

Not a fan of either.

The Prom-ise of Love has no real plot. It's just a scene of two girls celebrating prom and they both happen to die at the end with mom's mystery cancer thrown in last minute to meet the death requirement. There is no real conflict, more of a scene than a story. And what's in the scene isn't really memorable. It's just people observing the twins. Do they even speak?

Prom Night started off well. I liked the 90's nostalgia and some of the descriptions were well written. But the story had me at a loss. Didn't really understand what was going on. Was it a dream? A groundhogs day scenario?

Prom-ise was a script set at a prom but not much else. Prom Night was barely at the prom and kinda had a story. Hard parameters and with all of the themes this round involving deaths happening in strange circumstances it's hard I think, to avoid some kind of bloody slasher flick, which neither of these were. Prom's naturally involve teens and so it seems tailor made for horror. Kudos to both writers for the different takes. But both scripts need a lot of work.

Prom Night

I liked the nostalgic feel to this but the story is a little too formulaic.

And did anyone die in the story?

The Prom-ise of Love -- I kept waiting for the two girls to go somewhere private and reveal the whole thing was a scam and they're actually evil bitches. Never happened. If they're perfect and everyone loves them and they love each other then there's no conflict.

If you want them to be flawless, maybe make the mother jealous of all the attention. Other people ignore the sacrifices she had to make cuz they're so obsessed with idolizing the kids.

Prom Night -- The Groundhog Day thing has to be there for a reason. The repetitions are a great way to show character change but with a short it's probably not as useful. You just have events happening over again without characters learning anything or evolving. I guess this one still wins though.

Yeah I have to echo the other comments. Look, these were ambitious scripts but were too on the nose - cloying would be how to describe the sick girls one - and PN, while having some good nostalgia vibe going, just wasn’t handled right.  

Good efforts at least

The Prom-ise of Love has tragedidis for me.
And was there something in those umbrellas? How else they would have died, all at the same time. I didn't get it.

Quoted from khamanna The Prom-ise of Love has tragedidis for me.

Funny line.

I had to flip a coin on these two. I don't think either one works.

Read the other one. I see now.

Prom night
You build up well. It reads well. I was very into it. And Cowabunga.

p1 "what's gotten into him" - he just said it's was Charlie's big day.
This one works better than the other for me but it still doesn't work because you didn't care to explain anything. The repetitions for instance.

And even if I buy into them what made him act this way better be explained I think. But I also think you know and just didn't think of anything.

5 seconds...?
3 people are going to die?
Our Mother of Marry?

Okay, you may have been told already... If not, write out numbers in full. Outa should be outta'.

And, where's the kid-speak? Darren would say: 'don't be a wuss/wimp' not 'don't be so sensitive'. You're certainly fond of exclamation marks too. None of it a punishable offence but a clean up is needed.

You did well with this. It had great energy and personality and nice authentic touches with the music and characterisations.

The denouement is a little bit - is it enough?, But overall nice job.

The Prom-ise of Love

It's touching for sure to witness the solidarity of this certain community. Imo you'd need a last aspect, say some wiser message or last impression than the reporter closing the script as is. However, moving stuff around a difficult situation that involves many characters same time and differently; hard to go there and you succeed with a calm and quiet storyline. It feels real and honest, respectfully and responsibly delivered.


Prom Night

Hmmm, I know it was said it's okay to go over page length. Then why didn't make it ten pages, twelve, twenty from the start… Too often and by far too many, a more is better attitude is promoted. And I disagree. The quality of the shorter scripts from last round is far superior. Everyone can see that. Why not learn from it…

Whatever, I give you three pages to deliver and hook me:
"There’s a video game poster on the wall telling us
that Sega does what Ninten-don’t." look at me writing
"Tufts of grass erupt from the fall." You're directing the page like that when someone simply lets a bike drop on a lawn?
"For her, it’s always 5 o'clock somewhere…" look at me writing

Hmm, sorry, out. I'm strict here to build a slight opposition against the discussed "agenda of the more" I see everywhere. If you would have been given 12 pages you probably would have used 14, stuffed with the writing I quoted above….

I choose Prom-ise, it's the more direct screen experience. In a taken back manner, invisible author style, the character and plot speak for itself and it doesn't need any indirect prose to impress.

Writers,

Gotta give it to the love-stricken nerd.

PROM NIGHT

I thought THE GRADUATE was a lazy title...

(0:

There seems to be a cute story there somewhere, however at this point in my reviews I'm having trouble counting all the ways it doesn't meet the parameters.

PROM-ISE OF LOVE

Definitely sappy, which I think is going to cost you votes here. I had to skim it so I wouldn't cry (yeah, so what?).  I think what does it for me in this script is that you chose to focus on the good that teenagers can do.  In the midst of Parkland, maybe that's a good message.

Yeah, I'm not making sense any longer with these reviews. Though I think it's going to get out-voted, I'm going with PROMISE.

Wow, this one is close.  Second closest to Khamanna and Stumz

Dan

SPOILERS

The Prom-ise of Love

Nice title.  This one meets the parameters.

When you have paragraphs like this at the start:

The Ballroom’s packed with FRIENDS, CLASSMATES, TEACHERS,
MOM (BRENDA), volunteers, news people, and medical
personnel, ALL decked out in some form of gold.

All people who are going to get hired for a set, either speaking or non-speaking roles needs to be in capitals.

Aside from that, it was a quick and easy read, nice story.

Prom Night

Not a fan of the fancy title font.

After reading the first paragraph, I get the feeling this person is as old as myself.  I gather that was an actual poster you're referencing.  If my memory serves me right.  The whole theme of the script felt like it was set in the 90's.

I'd be careful with these lines:

Summons everything he learned
with the complimentary Karate classes he took at his local
YMCA

Because the audience don't know the past, have no idea that those karate moves were from a YMCA class.  It's not possible to film.

Aside from this, the story was okay for what it was, it got better as you read it.  But as it didn't meet the parameters, I can't go with this one.