Your celebration is a high school reunion. The number you have drawn is 4+. This is your body count (4 or more people must die). Non-genre specific. 8 pages max.

Blood Brothers by 0 - Short, Drama - A man holds his former classmates to a 60-year-old agreement.

But I Love You… by 0 - Short, Action - Christine gets her chance to win over her old crush at a high school reunion.

BLOOD BROTHERS

This seems like an overly elaborate plan to eliminate your friends. It's a tad overwritten, with some awkward phrasing, some choppy writing. The one female character just seemed unnecessary and could've easily been remedied. Overall, not too bad at all.

BUT I LOVE YOU...

Pretty standard shoot em up tale. It started out pretty good, though. Christine was pretty creepy with her shrine to Daniel, and I wish you'd continued more along that path, but then came that annoying (sorry) narrator. That just kinda killed it for me, so to speak.

Blood Brothers - This story wasn't a real surprise for the challenge but won me over with the lasting friendship and commitments. I really thought that it was going to get silly with them contriving a way to take out Gina at the end as well but it ended the way it should.

But I Love You - When I read the challenge, this is what I expected. I was not too hip on the Narrator except for one line that I really liked (but was confused at first read) when the Narrator  states that the Security Guard's name use to be Chris. Smart.

BLOOD BROTHERS is told well with great characters... except for two issues that deal with timing.

First, the Blood Brothers' experience sounds like regular forces (as opposed to special ops or "advisors"), and the US didn't start sending regular forces to Vietnam until 1965. Odd for them to volunteer as a group seven years after high school, though not inconceivable if explained in the dialogue. Class of '68 might have worked better, but by then you're dealing with draftees and hippies and all.

Second, what prompted them to take action at their sixtieth reunion? Jerry would have died over fifty years prior. Maybe it was part of their pact, but that is not explained.

BUT I LOVE YOU... has fun with the premise, even if it does get predictable.

The Narrator should be (V.O.) unless Narrator Smurf is lurking in the corner, in which case he'd need to be introduced.

The rhyming looks wrong but sounds right. The pairs of lines don't have the same number of syllables, but they sound balanced when read aloud. Weird. That kind of sing-song quality should also be paced across the story so that it would proceed at a nearly constant rate in the final film. One stanza could be just the sound of gunfire, though I'm not sure how to indicate that in the script.

Ra-da-dat, ra-da-dat, ra-da-dat, ting!
Ra-da-dat, ra-da-dat, ra-da-dat, ping!

To both writers: you got screwed here. So far the best two I’ve read and they’re matched up against each other – happens in these bracket things but unlucky for you.  IMO – both scripts worthy of moving on.

Blood Brothers

A small cabin sits lonely in the woods.

Odd opening – can a cabin be lonely?

Okay – finished – which is a good sign as I was engrossed enough to to make notes.  This one was rock solid for me. Yeah – you see the ultimate ending coming but it didn’t matter. Well done here!

But I Love You

Quoted Text An invitation to a high school reunion sits on the coffee table in a messy room. CHRISTINE, 35, with a pale complexion and dark hair, kneels before a closet. A small yellow glow flickers from inside.

A real nit issue – but break this up.

An invitation to a high school reunion sits on the coffee table in a messy room.

CHRISTINE, 35, with a pale complexion and dark hair, kneels before a closet. A small yellow glow flickers from inside.

To me, it is more effective to break action each time our mind’s eye moves.

Quoted Text NARRATOR Let me tell you a story, one for the books. It’s about a lonely girl, with devilish looks.

Think it should be NARRATOR (V.O).

Also would have liked a little on the voice – male/female/gruff/smooth.

Loved the rhyming narrator – very clever dialogue for him.

Okay – finished – another solid enrty here – great work.

IMO, one script clearly beats the other.  

Blood Brothers was solid.  I agree with one question.  Why wait so long?  That part didn't make sense.  OR why now?  That needs to be addressed.

I hated the narrator in the other one.  It was pretty predictable.  And that's too bad.  I always thought there were interesting ideas for stories like this and my super ex girlfriend and shrines.

My vote goes for Blood Brothers.

Dan

But I love You needs work but is the more entertaining and ambitious of the two. Gets my vote.

Blood Brothers - Is this a high school reunion or a Nam-reunion? Just kidding. Excellent writing skills, interesting story with well fleshed out characters for such a short page count. The ending might be a tad predictable, but this is a really strong entry. One of the best this round.

But I Love You.... Ambitious, credit for that. Some of the rhyming doesn't flow, but I liked the amount of fun this one had. Not as well written.

Blood Brothers

Really liked the tone of this, the challenge gives away the answer but it is well written the characters are well drawn.

Good job.

Blood Brothers - the best so far for me. Its funny when I read these scripts that I completely forget there's a death or deaths coming lol. I was drawn into this tale of the old men meeting up. Reminded me a bit of Stephen King's writing, certainly the easy banter between the men did.

But I Love You - as Dustin said very ambitious but the narrator becomes tiresome after a bit and it veers into unintentional comedy. Ditch the poetry and it will tighten the whole thing up.

But I Love You

The tale itself is pretty standard fare, but the additional challenge - that you put on yourself - of rhyming the dialogue is certainly different.

I like it.

Blood Brothers


Definitely the pick of the batch this round, so far. I thoroughly enjoyed it. A very skilled writer here.

The dialogue was fantastic.

Not much else to say. Great job.

But I Love You


I have no idea what the purpose of the narrator was; it added nothing to the story other than a higher page count.

The writing is really good and the bulk of the story is enjoyable. The narrator kills this for me, and unfortunately you were matched with a really tough script to beat.

I just read the comments for But I Love You. I didn't even realise the narration rhymed. Went straight over my head.

Would not have changed my vote though.

An unfortunate deed, when one doesn't read. But I knew in time, you would find the rhyme :-)

Blood Brothers
I liked how you showed Butch's motivation to kill all but at the same time managed to avoid exposition. That's very masterful of you and I should learn from you.
And you can film it.

But I love You - well, I voted for the first one, then kind of regretted it, then decided I did the right thing. Now I'm writing this comment I'm regretting it again.
You make us feel for Christine even though she's a complete nut job.
The writing here is not optimal. "with a pale comlexion" - why not just "a pale complexion". Things like these matter, you know, especially for writers.
And then, the Narrator's rhythm at the beginning (at her house - p1 and beginning of p2) is so off that I thought the Narrator was annoying. But then he sounds smooth - the rhythm straightens.
Great work. You're just unlucky. (luck exists!!)

Blood Brothers -- Really great start with some nice dialogue. I totally bought in to these old timers having their little group reminiscing thing. It was lighthearted and warm which made the turn at the end really not that appealing for me. I'd rather they just sit around reminiscing and you find some way to slowly reveal they're all there to drink spiked drinks and go out on their terms... each going out one by one saluting the group.

Wouldn't be as big of a twist but I think it'd be more poignant.

But I Love You -- This was my favorite. I thought the Narrator idea elevated an otherwise average story. And some of the lines were quite clever. My suggestion would be get crazier with it. I think the Narrator will wear off for some unless you change up his delivery. Maybe start out with the Narrator in a sing-songy voice, then going to more sarcastic, then increasingly frantic and unhinged towards the end.

I don't know, just a thought. I really liked what you did here though. Nice job.

I thought But I Loved You was over the top.  I think the last scene could be chopped off too, the way the Narrator ends that second to last scene felt better.  

Blood Brothers felt more natural and believable.  I could see this one played out.  Gets my vote.

But I Love You - bit of a Carrie thing going on here minus the telekinesis and instead with a big gun. :)

Blood Brothers  -  tips it for me in terms of the writing.

Definitely the toughest vote so far, and IMO the 2nd and 3rd best scripts behind LEO...

I also have to confess to reading the comments before my vote - not going to be swayed by popular opinion, but wanted to see if there was something I missed. And there was. Something that someone else caught, and then something that I caught. And in a competition like this, when it's so close, I guess the details matter.

BUT I LOVE YOU

I really don't have a negative comment about this one, other than perhaps it was very slightly out-written by its competitor. Narration didn't bother me, and in fact it made me enjoy it more. And I like that it was over the top. And the last bit of narration, where the narrator tells us that the girl "just wanted to be seen" gives this piece all the gravity it needs.

BLOOD BROTHERS

Well-written, and good concept. However this gets a few nits from me for the following:

You can predict the body count. True, not a problem once the competition is over because the reader will not have parameters in their head. And the script is certainly, I think, very sellable with a rewrite.

Frank M mentions the whole Vietnam thing and these guys being too early for it. If true, the writer needed to make a different choice with Jerry. There were tons of ways to go - perhaps Butch let Jerry drive while he was tipsy instead of taking his keys. And on and on. Seems Vietnam was added just to have crusty old men say 'yellow bastards' a few times.

Leon would most definitely not be dropped at a cabin. The home would not release him unless the person signing him out accompanied him and brought him back. Presumably that was not Butch or Walter. And it couldn't have been Frank if he had Alzheimer's. So now there's two people released from care without proper supervision.

Definitely a filmable, poignant script once these minor holes are plugged.

For these reasons, I'm going with BUT I LOVE YOU.

And wow am I shocked that the vote is so lopsided!