Your celebration is a graduation. The number you have drawn is 1. This is your body count (1 person must die). Non-genre specific. 8 pages max.

The Harvest by 0 - Short, Sci Fi

The Graduate by Buster PeeWell - Short, Horror - May's graduation party is going well, but when her boyfriend gets caught with another girl upstairs, someone has another sort of graduation planned.

Wow. This is different as far as comments goes. More I think about it, more I dig it.
Anyway, with that out of the way, let's move on. In my comments, titles will be in bold and my thoughts will be in red and black so you both know who's who.

Got it? Great.  ;D
Here we go.

HARVEST
Not bad, but I think if the writer had a bit more time, maybe a quick polish and a more 'shocking' death the piece would have more impact  (the sci-fi trap door black void doesn't have an impression, let's put it that way) More time is needed, I think due to issues of social status (which is loosely brought up) and racism (which is) and one thing that does not belong at all (Dyslexia-more on this in a bit)  could be explored more and characters who are opposed, or in fear of losing Jamal. Is there a social advantage in the sacrifice? I'm kind of reminded of that old classic tale of The Lottery

stray thoughts:
What's Marquis smoking? (p1)

Dyslexia (p2) ...okay, so Jamal got how many wrong on the test again? So he should say that he isn't instead of saying he couldn't afford a tutor - which most likely would have been another student if he somehow manages to miss ONE question without a tutor.  So, you see, I can't buy it. Social status, yeah. Okay. Prejudice? Sure. But don't stack the deck too much. Jamal can still read a contract. And why is he signing it anyway? Are there consequences for not signing it? This presents a story problem as a result.

Which reminds me,

Quoted Text Her parents faces go pale with fear and anger.

Which one? Choose one. It should be anger, because, their daughter does not like the Harvest and feels bad for her classmate. Or is it because their daughter is a hypocrite?

Quoted Text We could have helped him

Again with the Dyslexia thing because her sister has it (don't see dear sis.are you sure you didn't mean had?) Again, racism and/or social status was enough. And in case you are wondering why Evelyn is a hypocrite,...

Quoted Text It looks good on college admissions.

All warm and fuzzy smiles when she visits Jamal. No sign of regret. Why doesn't she just offer him some Girl Scout mints while she's at it.

I'll leave this with a suggestion. Use it or lose it, but here goes:
Do any of the students cheat by copying each other's work and/or having the answers ahead of time, but do not share with Jamal due to status and/or Jamal may have pride and integrity?

Food for thought.




Speaking of which..
THE GRADUATE
Not to be confused with plastics of any kind.  (sorry, couldn't resist)
Anyway..

Script starts off a bit clunky, We can get right to the house, no need to see the neighborhood or some dude watering his lawn. It's pointless .

"May's dad" (p1) not needed, May calls him Dad.

Todd.I'm sorry. In May's parents bathroom messing around with another girl. At an open house. Then thrretens Bobby, which appears to be May's younger brother. I don't buy it for one second. Not one.  We'll get back to this in a minute, because the writer makes a story error here. It's a setup with no payoff.

"Can Todd spend the night? May asks. So she's a flake too. Her parents veto the idea.
Now here's where the script goes wrong.

Gary, May's father, tortures Todd to death and proclaims:

Quoted Text "My daughter isn't going to dating someone like you!"

Gary suffers from PTSD. He's also the cliche of the crazy psycho veteran. He mentions his son (Bobby) having a gift.

Now, imagine 'what if'...
What if it was Bobby with a spoon, fork and knife?
Or what if was, better yet, the woman scorned?
May said it herself "why can't Todd stay?"
Where I'm going here is that Gary's actions come out from left field; if it is meant as a twist, it isn't a good one. Because of this, the horror kill isn't as effective. I suppose if the title was Daddy's Little Girl I might not be so harsh on this piece.

BTW, Corey (horrible spelling for a girl's name) gets away with no consequence. Gary calls her the whore. And in the challenge, you're only allowed one kill. Hmmm....well okay, nothing's against the rules of the challenge where she's just knocked around a bit chained to a post but still alive I 'spose. Maybe even in Boddy's bedroom so he can have a...

oh that's right. he hates parties. ;D

The Harvest

Less than a page of you script is set at the graduation (celebration). I know Sean said a part of the script could be elsewhere and I will allow for that, but I don't think this really meets the criteria.

It's a pretty good build up to a very anti climatic, nonsensical ending, which is unfortunate. You had the page count to really give this something.

Writing is good, obviously know what you're doing but the story is lacking. Not sure the parameter issue is forgivable.

The Graduate

Quoted Text Coming down the road, passing the trees. The houses all nice and well kept. Nice cars in the driveways. A MAN waters his lawn, and--

Passive writing straight off the bat. Also nice this, nice that. Surely you can come up with a better description?

The punishment really doesn't fit the crime and feels out of place. Technically he hasn't graduated to serial killer, that's three or more kills (nit pick).

The story is drawn out for the sake of it, doesn't feel like you have enough content to justify the 8 pages.

This meets the criteria better, but I definitely enjoyed the other story more. What to do, what to do?

THE HARVEST

Interesting idea, though there's been a lot of TV and movies dedicated to this 'weeding out' theme lately. Not sure that this script breaks any new ground in that regard.

You had 3 more pages to give us more pathos. Why does this society sacrifice just one person, and why at graduation?

I can appreciate the social commentary here, I really can. However you spend almost zero time at the celebration. Can't really forgive that because if you had adhered to the rules, this would have been a different script.

THE GRADUATE

My vote for laziest title.  I have a pet peeve about titles with "THE" in them, and both of these scripts are in that category. THE means "THEE" as in "THEE" pre-eminent examination of the subject matter about to follow. And Mike Nichols beat you to it...

(0:

Okay, rant over.

This was basic horror for me. Father didn't seem to be struggling with PTSD, he seemed to be enjoying what he was doing.  However, it fit the parameters and it was written competently.

The Harvest

I could see where the idea was going from the off, title kinda gives it away. But it is well written, there's some decent lines, e.g. the Black Panther quip.

I think it could have been entirely set at the Graduation with a little more work, and the ending currently feels rushed - which it may be!

Graduation

Lots of passive writing at the start, this could be reworked easily. The rest is relatively standard far I'm afraid... and the ending doesn't work for me really - the father is now going down for murder, which seems kinda careless.

The Harvest - Interesting idea hat doesn't fully develop. I would take out the Black Panther reference, it immediately dates the script and to me just doesn't vibe with the rest of the material here. I think it could have been fleshed out a lot more, the world and characters. Could have been set at the graduation a bit more, I'll have to dock some points as you only get to it at the end.

THE GRADUATE - A PTSD story with a bit of cliched writing attached. Took awhile for me to get into it. Not much else to say I'm afraid, met the parameters.

The Harvest spends its entire length building up to an anti-climactic end. Jamal is pissed off about his fate, and this gets left unresolved. The story could have a beginning, middle and end prior to the graduation (Evelyn tries and fails to save him, he accepts his fate, whatever), then the anti-climactic end wouldn't sting so much because the story has already ended... wouldn't even have to happen on-screen except to meet the parameters of the challenge.

Speaking of which, I'm not sure it qualifies on that score.

The Graduate is confusing in parts. When I saw that Todd and Corey were sucking face in the bathroom, at first I thought that they were figuratively in the closet. Unfortunate ambiguous name choice there, though the story could have gone in more interesting directions if the woman scorned was a dude.

There's no hint of PTSD for the dad, he's just your stereotypical Overprotective Dad. But he isn't graduating to serial killer status because this kill is in no way related to his previous kill in combat (questionable as it may be). To make this a serial killer, he'd have to have some previous victims stuffed in the basement. The dog that bit May as a child, the camp counselor who touched her in a way dad didn't like, and now the jerk who cheated on her. In any case, some foreshadowing is needed so that Psycho Dad isn't coming completely from left field.

The ending works as celebrating his graduation, but with more time I'm sure the writer could come up with a smarter conclusion that leaves dad in place to protect his little girl. The whole thing could have been the torture scene, explaining events in flashback to the party, and after hiding the body dad takes the whole family out because he feels like celebrating...

Choosing between these two is a tough one.

I echo the above comments.  I'm not sure either story really fits the parameters.

That seems to be a common theme this round.  Lots of stories that didn't really fulfill what was required of them.

Both stories have strong and weak points.

SPOILERS

The ending of The Graduate was outright, IMO, dumb.  So, dad kills his daughter's boyfriend and LEAVES THE BODY FOR HER TO FIND.  Why???  I mean, honestly, WHY?  Now, he's gonna go to jail.  I don't get it, at all.

The other one is confusing as to why as well.  What's the point?  What's the payoff??  What's the abyss??

Why the need for the paperwork when he's gonna be killed?  So many why-s and no answers.

Dan

The Harvest: The social commentary was the most interesting aspect of this script. It's disappointing that the writer left pages on the table, instead of exploring the themes further. After all, in a script like this -- it's ALL about the theme. The ending came so fast, it had almost no impact.

Also, seems weird that The Harvest would only be one person. Not much of a culling. Would like to have seen a bit of explanation of the "why."

The Graduate: Pretty straight forward fare. Cheating boyfriend. Angry father. Unfortunately, most of it felt forced. Would love to have seen some nuance, or a twist of some sort.

Harvest - Great writing and build up with a very simple ending. I liked it although I thought Jamal was going to be tele-ported. The eternal drop took me by surprise. Maybe it was for the under-lord Gods from Cabin in the Woods?

The Grad - Again, great writing here. It had me all the way to the end but ended kinda weird. Just didn't like how Todd was just left on display.

Not sure which way to go on this vote.

The Harvest is written better.

First - overall - two skilled writers going at it here. This was a close one for me.

The Harvest

Quoted Text INT. HOUSE - DAY EVELYN, 17, manila folder tucked under one arm, walks along cracked asphalt to a shuttered one-story building. She knocks on the door.

She’s outside.  Should be EXT.

Why is The Harvest in italics in the dialogue?

The balance of the writing is rock solid IMO – other than a few typos. I think the dialogue is especially  good.

One issue - Not a lot of time at the actual ceremony…..hmm.  

The ending is a bit too sudden. You could have used the extra pages.

Just spit-balling, but this could have been ramped over even more if Jamal intentionally was failing tests to prevent someone else – someone he cared about – from being the harvest.
Solid craftsmanship.

The Graduate

Should have given a little more thought to the title.

PEOPLE coming, going. Notes taped to the refrigerator.
Would be helpful it were a little more descriptive than People. General Public? Old Folks – Family ??

Quoted Text MAY BRIGGS (18), giggles uncontrollably as she holds her phone, trying to take a selfie with her friends.

Friend should be CAPPED. And why not intro them above rather than people. Your economy with words is hurting you here I think. Paint the picture.

Quoted Text Gary tries to speak, but it's incoherent.

Is that Gary or did you mean Todd?

I am lost is to the need to remove his eyes – why not just kill him? Stuck me as horror for horror’s sake.

Ending - Why in the world would he leave the body there? Does he want to go to jail?

Although I question some of the story elements - you are a skilled writer.

Hmm these two have moments of ok ness but...

The Harvest - some brief description of the chars would be nice. I assume Jamal is black? Tell us that then. Reminded me a little of Soylent Green or one of those type stories lol. Very mysterious stuff going on that leaves us puzzled I guess. Maybe the writer was in a hurry?

The Graduate - first things you do in a rewrite is change the title and Corey’s name. Both are just not on. I was enjoying this until the dad went apeshit. So he’s destroying the whole family unit just cos he hates Todd? With some Gulf War stress thrown in lol?  Shame as I liked the first half

The Harvest
It's a good short but I didn't like some of your choices. Him being the victim is the twist - I thought they chose people for different reasons. Like paying their tuition or something. I don't think it should have been the twist.
ANd I think the girl should have tried to do something more. Talk Jamal into opposing, running. Maybe run with him.

The Graduate
I can't agree with the choices you made here. A Dad killing his girl's boyfriend - not possible in my mind and the way you build to it didn't make it any more believable.
Nice writing, no really really nice writing, but I'll have to go with The Harvest.

The Harvest - No idea what's going on here. I think the conversation at the beginning had some moments. But they could use some more characterization and there needs to be a connection between them rather than him just being relentlessly bitter. After than, she could try to stop The Harvest, or solve what exactly it is, or both. Something needs to happen. It just ends with ten seconds of a graduation ceremony and him falling into an "abyss".

The Graduate -- I think the dad's reveal is too sudden. It's something that might work better if you built up the creepiness bit by bit. Little hints that something is not quite right with Gary. Some awkward, tense moments between Gary and Todd.

SPOILERS

The Harvest has my vote.  Nicely done.  There's a lot of dialogue like mine, makes for a quick read.

The one thing I'd change is this: INT. VAN/ EXT. GRADUATION GROUNDS - DAY  It's either internal or external not both.

The Graduate could needs a wee rewrite.  I didn't like this line: posts it to Instagram or something.  It's either Instagram only or even better, social media.  You don't want to date something when Facebook stops it or changes it's name.

Also Todd at the end, the eye business.  If that was me, I'd make the biggest largest sounds imaginable.  I'm surprised with all his crazy antics, no one heard this.

Really? This is Dad's gift to his child? Bloody hell - literally. And he leaves the body for his precious daughter to find? Surely he'd make him disappear instead.

I thought Todd and Corey were both males btw... At first, anyway.

I think this is where we get into territory of: would this make a good short film? As straight up horror it's still missing proper story imh.

Lots of set up, lots of characters -  I didn't notice anything overtly wrong with the writing but the story is kinda pointless and empty. Dad was clearly off his psycho rocker well before he served in the war.

The Harvest, hmm, this appeals more because it seems to have some logic - a sort of Get Out/Hunger Games hybrid - even if a little flawed and underdeveloped.

It's a little light on the SciFi angle and it'd need way more to exist as an independent short with a message, but as a writing exercise and with time restrictions etc., it kept me entertained.

The Harvest - WHAT? Terrible terrible ending. Like you ran out of time so just typed something out 5 min before due bad. Why work hard on something then throw it away like that? You had my vote then threw it away with that "ending."

The Graduate - Oh man, what is with these scripts and terrible endings? This one is a boring little grad party that turns into a snuff film quickly thanks to psycho dad. A dad who claims to have shot a baby point blank during the Gulf War, but if you know anything about the Gulf War and where it was fought, the chances of this happening are slim to none. And now psycho dad uses that as an excuse to torture a bf, and his daughter forever when he leaves the mutilated body in his house for her to see the next morning?

Seriously, and this is for all the scripts I've read so far, my votes end up going to the ones I disliked the least. It's a race to the bottom. (Granted people said the same about my entry but I of course disagree!)

The Harvest

The mystery builds up nicely and it was a smooth read with only few issues -- but where does it lead us then? I want an explanation.

The Graduate

This has no balance, rhythm or flow. First there's this huge build up with lots and lots of characters without any clear and interesting direction to experience. Then it shifts somewhere completely else. I didn't get a feel for this material, no true connection. Perhaps you had time problems but then why don't do something easy, 3 to 5 pages… not sure.

I choose The Harvest