Stroke by 0 - Short, Drama - A mother is reunited with her dead son. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

That was a bit unusual. I’m sure I know what happened, but I’m not sure of the connection of the colors.  You’re wrapped in colors when you die, perhaps?  Was a little bit of a jump for me that she would wish that she was dead (I think that’s what was happeneing) and then it suddenly happens.

Best of luck,
Gary

Was it a dream or a seance? Certainly an interesting piece with a great mood set. Like.

No great surprise or reveal. Good writing and intent. It just didn't resonate with me.

Dialogue a little OTN for me and no real explanation for why she joins Josh now...

The main thing is what she says at the beginning. She's too upfront about "reuniting" for my tastes. She could just say things about her son that would make us understand that. And the ending would have a punch then and won't be so expected. You just need to tweak that piece of dialog I think.

So the strange sequence is her having a stroke?

This one really wasn’t for me.

I'm not sure what to make of this one.

Would probably play out better on screen.

Not a bad effort.

I liked this one. It was a heartwarming story despite the very end. It was a bit hard for me to imagine the colors, so I'd love to see this one filmed and see how the director portrays her 'stroke'. I thought the dialogue was fine too.

My question is, Would we know this is a stroke without the title? At first, I thought we were seeing the wife's recurring dream or some sort of sleep-paralysis disorder in which the dreamer believes she's moving around. Maybe it doesn't matter that much.
The description of the stroke (colors etc.) was well handled, I thought.

Stroke

Don't like the intro - Wife should be Andrea from the start…
Otherwise, Wow, you presented that visual demanding plot very qualified on the page. I liked the expression and all. Some CGI guys would have a lot of fun designing that certain realm.
5

About the colors, we're obviously experiencing the breakdown of her senses from her point of view... but it isn't clear when we switch from observing from the "outside" to observing from the "inside." That's probably intentional, but it's also confusing.

I like getting my mind effed every now and then and your script did a good job of that.

I'm not a fan of the line "When will I get peace." I don't know, just doesn't seem like something a grieving mother would say to her husband. It sort of seems like something she would say on a news broadcast if her son was murdered but the cops couldn't find the body or something...

Overall, I really liked it.

Not bad.  The title suggests she dies after suffering a stroke and meets her son again. But, hmm, on screen I'm not sure this has enough legs to be impactful.

Dialogue was a wee bit OTN

Writing otherwise pretty good

The ending was just okay for me - you knew it was coming.

A lot packed into one page.

Strange.

This is a story that really needed the title otherwise I wouldn't have got it by the story alone.  It was decent overall.

I think the writer was challenged by the 1 page constraint and for that perhaps failed to deliver on the mother's pain, however I respect the effort and the overall theme here.

It didn't make a connection with me.  Solid 3.

Dan

Writer,

Gee, I liked this one, and it begs for more. This was colorful and visual, and appeals to my sensibilities anyway. Very good job!

Steve