Yer' In over Yer' Head - WT

Posted by: Don, April 2nd, 2018, 11:38am

Yer' In Over Yer' Head by Marion Robert Morrison - Short, Comedy, Western - Two angry rail-workers try to wash away the day. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Gary in Houston, April 2nd, 2018, 11:53am; Reply: 1

Very nicely done here. Good writing on display, and while the ending is somewhat telegraphed, that was no problem for me, as I liked how you got to the ending. Kudos on the solid one pager.

Best of luck,
Gary

Posted by: JEStaats, April 2nd, 2018, 2:38pm; Reply: 2

Clever title. Even though I saw it coming a mile away, it was still entertaining. Good work.

Two westerns, so far?! Interesting....

Posted by: MarkItZero, April 2nd, 2018, 2:42pm; Reply: 3

That was pretty funny. Why is it the mysterious stranger though, it's the Chinese guy right? Anyways, nice job.

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, April 2nd, 2018, 2:47pm; Reply: 4

I liked the start of this, great tone, but then the end seemed lesser somehow... decent effort in a difficult genre though.

Posted by: ScottM, April 2nd, 2018, 8:47pm; Reply: 5

It’s okay, not much of a payoff really.

It’s still fairly enjoyable.

Posted by: khamanna, April 3rd, 2018, 3:27am; Reply: 6

I wish you showed us the peeing guy was Chinese. Would have more of a punch this way I think.

Posted by: Zombie Sean, April 3rd, 2018, 12:34pm; Reply: 7

Even though I saw the ending coming, it was still a good short. Good writing and dialogue.

Posted by: Stumpzian, April 3rd, 2018, 1:58pm; Reply: 8

Props for the John Wayne pseudonym. Thrifty writing and funny (though, in reality, the Chinese were hard-workers on the Transcontinental Railroad; maybe Cameron the history teacher will correct me if I'm wrong about this).

With the straw sandals, I think you made it clear that the pee-ers were Chinese.

Thumbs up.

Posted by: PrussianMosby, April 3rd, 2018, 4:42pm; Reply: 9

Yer' In Over Yer' Head

Pfff, what a silly episode. As a Story, it does work though. However, I'm not sure if it's enough as a today's piece since these are bygone conflicts - so no clue if there's still an adequate identification concerning the right and wrong attitude lurking behind. Still interesting, with a funny payoff-
3

Posted by: Warren, April 3rd, 2018, 11:01pm; Reply: 10

Another damn western.

I enjoyed this one more than the last, but it’s still a very simple payoff. It was okay.

Posted by: FrankM, April 3rd, 2018, 11:10pm; Reply: 11

Quoted from JEStaats

Clever title.

Can. Not. Unsee.

And, yes, it was quite obvious to me who the pee-erpetrator was.

Posted by: eldave1, April 4th, 2018, 10:14am; Reply: 12

A bit disconnected for me - I think I need to know who was pissing.

Writing was good - nice visuals.

Posted by: CameronD, April 4th, 2018, 12:20pm; Reply: 13

Funny

Posted by: jayrex, April 4th, 2018, 4:36pm; Reply: 14

Good setting, funny, I liked this one. Good job!

Posted by: ajr, April 4th, 2018, 5:17pm; Reply: 15

Could see it coming, however any time a bigot gets pissed on, it's probably a good thing...

Posted by: LC, April 4th, 2018, 8:08pm; Reply: 16

Hmm, I'm just not going to get any kind of thrill watching this. Sorry to sound harsh but an old joke with a familiar punchline.

Posted by: DanC, April 5th, 2018, 11:56am; Reply: 17

I didn't care for this one. It could be because I'm not a fan of westerns

3 from me.

Dan

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