Apollo Elvis by Daniel Walker - Short, Drama - Elvis hides as Elvis. 14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Don,

I'm not sure why it says 'No Logline'? I filled in that space.

Can you put a logline in now, even after it's been listed?

If so, it will be:

"ELVIS HIDES AS ELVIS".

Cheers,

Daniel

This was a breezy read, very cute and well-written.  Not sure how original the idea is, I would think someone would have undertaken this examination already. But it was entertaining.

The only thing that took me out of the read were Billy's f-bombs; I get that he's shocked, but it read more NY cab driver than frustrated good ol' boy.

Nice job.

AJR

AJR,

Thank you for the feedback.

Cheers, (no pun intended)

Daniel

Quoted from DanielW Cheers, (no pun intended)

My fantasy football team is named the Screaming Vikings...

AJR,

I must confess, I did have to google, “Screaming Vikings”.

I loved Cheers.

My favourite scene, is when they’ll in a small room (maybe a church) and Rebecca (Kirsty Alley) is getting married. Suddenly, she calls it off. Moments later, she calls it back on and the camera cuts to Norm and Cliff, ‘head and elbow deep’ into the wedding cake. Priceless.

Daniel

NEVILLE
I wouldn’t be dead for
quids.

- What does this mean?

ELVIS
Billy. I died six years ago.

- Good line.

This was amusing and well written, particularly after reading your Running Clown script...but now I see that it was posted later so I dunno what to think.

Anyway, I was engaged from the start here, enjoyed the genial banter between Elvis and the townsfolk and above all, wondered where you were going to take it. Unfortunately, pretty soon I anticipated the reveal long before, I suspect, you wanted us to. In the end, it’s actually a subject (Elvis didn't die, he's hiding out) that’s been part of my consciousness anyway for as long as I can remember, more than any dead celebrity and thus lacks any real originality.

This is a personal thing and I'm being facetious really but I think they're should be a ban on Elvis references for a period of time to allow his cache to replenish itself. He's just such an overused icon at this stage.

That been said though, it’s a cute story nicely told and has a couple of laughs in it. I liked your treatment of something so familiar. It’s hard to dislike, just doesn’t offer anything new.

Col.

Thanks again, Col.

For as long as I can remember, Elvis has been rumoured to be alive. In my opinion, he's dead.

I've searched online, trying to find a story of Elvis hiding as an Elvis impersonator (Obviously, a fiction story). I couldn't find anything.

In the movie, Elvis and Nixon, starring Kevin Spacey, Elvis sits down at the Memphis airport and is joined by two Elvis impersonators, that think Elvis is just another impersonator.

Elvis hiding and living a normal life is nothing new. However, the concept of Elvis hiding as Elvis might be!!!

Daniel

Quoted from DanielW Elvis hiding and living a normal life is nothing new. However, the concept of Elvis hiding as Elvis might be!!!

- To be fair that is true. I'm just done with Elvis appearing or being referenced on screen and the whole still alive thing.

Check out Bubba Ho-Tep if you haven't already. It features Bruce Campbell as a zero-fucks-given Elvis in a rest home, Ossie Davis, an evil Egyptian spirit and the immortal line:

"20 years ago man just 20, all I had to do was curl my lip at her & she'd be eating out of my asshole"

Col.

"20 years ago man just 20, all I had to do was curl my lip at her & she'd be eating out of my asshole"

LAUGHING OUT LOUD - That's GOLD!!!!!

Col,

I'll check it out.

Daniel

Daniel: cute story, well told. Elvis is an Elvis Impersonator is a nice premise. Everything else I have is in the way of nitty comments (i.e., just style things).

Quoted Text EXT. OCEAN - BOAT - DAWN An old, eighteen foot, tired fishing boat, sits peacefully on the glass-like surface, as the sun slowly climbs out of the horizon.

You don't need boat in your description - already in your header. Add Fishing and you don't need either.

Look for more descriptive words - e.g., maybe bobs rather than sits. Something like:

EXT. OCEAN - FISHING BOAT - DAWN

An old, weather-worn eighteen footer gently bobs  on the glass-like surface, as the sun slowly climbs out of the horizon.

Quoted Text Aboard the vessel is an overweight, ELVIS PRESLEY (48), bushy greying beard, wearing a black regatta jacket, sunglasses and a beanie over his long greying hair.

I would be tempted to use a mini slug here since we open in the general ocean and are now on the boat. Something like:

ON THE BOAT

ELVIS PRESLEY, (48), overweight, bushy greying beard, dark sunglasses scans the ocean. Long graying hair sticks out the bottom of his beanie.

Quoted Text A bell, on the end of a jiggling fishing rod, starts ringing. Elvis steps over, picks the rod up and starts winding in the catch.

Quoted Text A bell, on the end of a jiggling fishing rod, starts ringing. Elvis steps over, picks the rod up and starts winding in the catch.

You do this through out - use "starts" when not needed. In the above twice. Better as:

A bell, on the end of a jiggling fishing rod rings. Elvis steps over, picks the rod up, winds in the
catch.

Like I said -- just nit things. Good story. Enjoyed it

Dave,

I absolutely appreciate the feedback.
'starts' will be an alarm now when I'm writing - It's why this site is so good.  

Always welcome, Dave.

Daniel

My pleasure