Next Stop, Salvation by The Savior - Short, Horror - A supply run turns deadly for a group of commuters when they encounter a monstrous storm. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Just saw these go up. First cab off the rank.

I decided to uses the criteria to score them as well.

Four total characters - 4 characters that actually appear on screen and a voice over. I think that meets the criteria. I don't think a voice over counts as a character. I also remember someone saying that people may argue over this. I think it's fine.

Page length divisible by four: 4, 8, 12, etc - 8 pages, all good.

They must be confined to an automobile (no part of the script takes place outside of an automobile) - Well every scene takes place in the automobile (I googled buses as I wasn't sure what's defined as an automobile and apparently it's a passenger automobile). There is a lot of focus on the outside world viewed from the bus, I think that is fair play. Be hard not to see what is going on outside. I actually think it was a clever use of a scene as viewed from the bus.

Can only be of the Horror, Thriller, Drama or Mystery genres - It's marked as horror, and I think it fits the genre.

Story Notes:

Holy shit! That was a hell of a ride, pun intended. Bravo, it had twists and turns. Tension overload.

Had a bit of a Mad Max feel to it which I really liked.

The writing is spot on, it flows well, and reads very smoothly. A very talented writer at work here.

Well done, I loved it!! :)

Your writing is good but the visuals are sparse.

Here, for example:

Code MAC, 35, dirty, in tattered clothes, is at the wheel.

'is at the wheel' is fairly passive. Maybe he taps the steering wheel in time to a tune he is humming?

Code Everything, as far as the eye can see, is covered in red dirt.

Passive again. It's lazy. You could simply restructure this sentence like so:

Red dirt covers everything for as far as the eye can see.


There's only one winner here for me, so I can stop reading now.

Not bad, however I think it takes a few too many liberties with the parameters. The four friends frozen story used a voice on the other end of a phone however it wasn't as integral as the operator was here. And then there's the monster... is he a character?

Not sure how eight pages flew by and we essentially got four people driving through an unexplained dust storm with unexplained monsters.  Not sure why it was important to have each person picked up by bus. Seems to me if they had all started on the bus together on page 1 the writer would have had more time and space to assemble the universe and have his characters develop through interaction.

Since this round is the Fab Four, I'm going to be a little more critical than usual as my expectations are huge.

The good: Great descriptions throughout as I could visualize every detail; Good action sequences.

The not-so-good: Format seems off (top margin); page 4 'to' should be 'too'; four characters + one v.o. (meets the challenge?); dialog seems a bit off and OTN pgs. 4-5; The ending seemed overly happy for a 50% casualty rate.

Good work for the time crunch and requirements. Very worthy.

I really liked the set up here.

I think you could do a bit more with a story of love. I read it, put it away and all I remember that there were two people in love and they are trying to make though. I wish there's more about them so that they are more memorable to me.
The other two characters - feels like they are in there to fill the requirement. Just my opinion surely.
Good script though.

I’ve read the script. Will provide my comments after voting has closed.

The Savior

Not bad, a lot packed in here for a few pages. It had me engaged throughout. The apocalyptic genre is almost as oversaturated as zombies and vampires right now but you added an interesting twist by having the threat within the storm, a very cool touch.

Not much imagination when it game to the monsters themselves though, basically a combo of Starship Troopers and Edge of Tomorrow. I wondered why the humans carried guns since they seem to have zero effect on these things. I guess there are other human scavengers in the ruined city of who to be wary.

Outside of the central confrontation, there isn't a whole lot new here. The fortress-like settlement is straight out of any number of apocalyptic stories.

Still, it had some entertaining thrills and blood spills. Clear protags/antags with a goal. The stakes are high and unambiguous.

Just curious, is Mac a reference to Kurt Russell's character from The Thing? While the opening shot reminded me of Big Trouble in Little China, another Russell/Carpenter collaboration. If so, neat crossover.

Col.

It was pretty good.  Again, I agree with the others.  They were trapped in the bus for that time.  
Spoilers

Having creatures in the storm is pretty cool.  I didn't really know what was gonna happen.

Again, solid 3

Dan

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The apocalyptic genre is almost as oversaturated as zombies and vampires right now but you added an interesting twist by having the threat within the storm, a very cool touch.

Bonus points for the apocalypse not being zombies.

In hindsight, I think the time picking up passengers would have been better spent on character development, but (1) each still needs to be intro'd anyway which takes up almost as much space and (2) given that the characters are engaged in a somewhat routine task, excessive character development would have felt shoehorned in.

Given the time constraint, this is by definition an early draft. I'm sure with some additional time we'd have gotten a better look at the characters.

I would have thought that if someone was hired to voice the Operator and receives the credit.  I would read five credits/characters, not four.  Four onscreen, five in total.

Aside from that, it's not bad.   I liked the monster created.

Something smashing into a bus like bricks made me think the bus lights would break.  I guess the bus swerved heavily.

Decent effort, read well and moved at a good pace... reminded me of Mad Max a little, no bad thing

Monsters in a storm is actually a pretty good idea. I don't think it's ever been done quite like this. Did the Riddick movies have them in a storm? I think it was just monsters that come out at night. I could see this working as a post-apocalypse action/horror type feature.

However, as it stands, the major issue is lack of characters. All that dialogue on pg. 1 and 2 could easily be tweaked to build character. Maybe Linden is extremely foul-mouthed. Mac is precise, articulate. Maybe there's some conflict between them that's the cause of Mac pushing for one more supply line. Perhaps he's insecure, feels like he has something to prove. I don't know, it could be anything.

Give me four characters to care about and this will be awesome.

Of the four scripts, this one moves at the best pace. It gets us from Point A to Point B in a hurry. Over and out.

We know next to nothing about Max, Linden, and the Twins, but it doesn't matter much because the characters are secondary to the Red Dirt Monsters.
(Do they count as characters? Can't remember whether Sean addressed this.)

On the Down Side:
It's another post-apocalypse story. People trying to get to the Safe Zone or whatever. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Plus, a story in the first round ("Pre-Scheduled") featured a monster that burst through the side of an old bus. That monster was octopus-like. This monster is spider-like.

Okedoke.

I thoroughly enjoyed this rollickin' action packed ride.  Fast, frenetic, some great energy, and I liked Linden and Mac. I got a good sense of their characters. I liked the twins less - but I like the idea you decided on twins. One twin has copped it before and lived to tell the tale... but not so lucky this time around.

I know all the action has to take place on the bus but I'd like to suggest there's a slight delay with the twins jumping on, just to create a bit more suspense. Mac sounds the horn and it's as if they're all waiting to hop on. I feel there's an opportunity for you to ramp it up a bit there perhaps...? 'Where's Kane? And then he hightails it on the bus, just in time.

I'm not a fan of clichéd lines like 'are you fucking kidding me'  and: 'Free sailing all the way home, baby', 'baby'? eek, but it is the way American men of action speak, so... Maybe come up with some dialogue that is intrinsically your own? Just a suggestion.

the buses engine
the buses headlights
Both missing an apostrophe.

Mac brings the bus to a halt. (bit passive)

They to have rifles (too)

that seem to weigh heavily (do you need the 'seems to'?)

the large scar (a large scar)

Kane stands up. Bit passive. 'Jumps to his feet' maybe...

'Linden takes Mac’s hand, his eyes focus on a familiar sight.' We're on Linden but then: 'his eyes focus' - hmm.

I loved the storm monster, reminded me of Jeepers Creepers, and Clover Field, but effective anyway.

I've been a bit pedantic above and could say more but for sheer entertainment, great stuff!

* Clarification: bus's headlights, bus's engine.

My two cents, which according to some people, is about all my opinion is worth around here:

1. The writing is solid. Good and clean, a couple of places where you could make change to spruce it up, but overall very well drafted.

2. Story wise, I think it ran out of steam at the end. I felt that the ending was just a bit simplistic. Drive into storm, monster attacks, drive out of storm attack abruptly ends. If you’re going to incorporate a monster into this script, I figure out a way for Linden to finish him off. Now if this were part of a larger piece, I could live with that as the ending of Act One, for example, but probably not here.  Still, some nice action sequences on display here.

3. Characters. For me, this is the weakest part of the script, as I don’t feel like I wound up knowing anything about them. I think you kind of hinted around at some things, like Linden giving Mac a somewhat intimate hug or the scar on Kane’s face, but these were more surfacey  details and I’d like something more that attaches me to these characters.

Overall, very good effort here.

Best of luck,
Gary

Writer,

This has, for me, a sort of Road Warrior vibe about it. Desolate wasteland, big vehicle... The only issue was I don’t think the question of WHY these people needed picking up in the first place was answered. I think without that, then they are just “there” to get you the right amount of characters. The other thing - this seemed very short for everything that was going on. Meaning, hate to say it, it reads more like a quick scene rather than a whole story. That said - I was entertained despite all of that. Loved the final shot of the town’s name. Very good.

Steve

I read this several times, then read the comments. I’ll try not to waste your time by doubling up on others’ comments regarding the technical details.

I thought this was well written. You did a great job with the description.

I’m torn by the pace. On one hand, I like scripts that take time to world build. On the other hand, while reading, I was leaning forward, past the first two pages. In hindsight, I wonder if the first two pages might be better spent on character relationships than world-building. I say that because, we’ve seen this world before and can quickly recognize where we are, but at the end of the script, I didn’t feel connected to the characters. Judging by Linden’s reaction (tears of joy), she wasn’t all that connected to them either.

Love the storm idea. Action was well written and well concieved. Overall, a very nice job. Should have advanced you, instead of me.

Warren - here were my comments. Hope they help.

The pace was great. It really moved along. The scenes were vivid.

Some nit issues:

Quoted Text LINDEN, 30, gas mask on, in the ragged remains of military uniform. A large backpack hangs on her shoulders beside an M16 rifle.

Like I said - a nit  issue, but Linden is so uncommon a name didn’t know the gender of the character. Obviously – quickly cleared up. But better if we know right off.

For the rewrite - she rushes in from nowhere – would like to see what she rushes in from. Know that you could not do that within the parameters given. Great opportunity to show more of the world here now that you're free of the restrictions.

I got a little confused her why Linden has her mask on but when Mac opens the bus door he doesn’t don his mask first. The air is contaminated enough for him to have a mask and for her to wear one - wouldn't he have to/want to put his on when he opens the door (i.e., the air would rush in)?  

Quoted Text Mac weaves through the stationary traffic.

I would add a - Linden fast asleep here. Have him glance at her - good chance to show his feelings towards her.

Quoted Text OPERATOR (V.O.) I don't want to alarm you, but the satellite's showing a storm headed your way. It’s small at the moment, but I really think you should come back soon.

Didn't ’t like the first line – he does want to alarm him really. I would delete it – just start with The satellite’s showing…I know it's picky - but it struck me that the Radio guy did want to alarm them.

Quoted Text They to have rifles and backpacks that seem to weigh heavily on their shoulders.

Should be "too" – not to.  Also I think better as:   Their rifles and backpacks weigh heavily on their shoulders.

Also – same gender issue here – is Cody male or female?

Never mind - got it.

Quoted Text The creature motions towards Linden.

Could use something more ominous than motions here (creeps? Slithers?)

At the end of the story – Mac and Linden are a little too happy for themselves given that their friends have died.  If it were me, I'd only have one of the twins die, - ergo creating the need for them to console the survivor at the end of the journey.

Overall – I thought this was real solid. You created a frightening new world, there was a nice level of tension throughout.

Thanks to everyone that read and commented on this.

You've given me some very valuable feedback that I will definitely be using in a rewrite.

Warren,

You’re here to entertain and this solid ‘Mad Mac’ (Mad Max) story was very entertaining.

Cheers,

Daniel

Thanks for the read, Daniel.

Glad you enjoyed it.